HMBNY
Many people ask me, "Mike, can I ask you something," to which I usually reply, "Nah, dawg, nah." And then they usually think I'm joking, which I'm really not, I fucking swear, and they ask me, "What makes you such a handsome man?" And I have to sit and think, not because I'm formulating a perfect lie to match their likely verbal irony inherent in the question, but because I am actually qualified by the Handsome Men Bureau of New York (HMBNY for those of us in the know) as a Level 5 Hot Dude.
Now, before you start gumming your brains Googling for the definition behind each level, let me be clear and a little stern with you. The levels are a well-known secret. But since you're my personal friend, anonymous Internet reader, I think I can open up my chest of treasures and show you where the aorta meets the other part of the heart I can't remember and am too lazy to look up.
Now, according to the HMBNY, there are approximately six levels of hot men. Most men, your Gilbert Godfries and your Whitney Houstons are level 1. It's a base level at which many men operate. There's nothing wrong with it - a good pyramid needs a strong base - but I wouldn't be caught dead speaking to a level 1, let alone massaging one out of friendship and veiled attraction.
If level 1 is the Craiglist of men, level 2 is J-Date. Better, but they're still riding a raft down Ugly River with [Mark Twain character of African-American descent] Jim. Those previous brackets in that last sentence which may have impressed you, you don't have to say it, I saw it in your eyes, are often used to replace material with something less offensive or summarizing. How do you replace something with "something less...summarizing," you ask? It was a grammatical mistake, I'm sorry. I meant you might summarize something as an alternative use for the parentheticals instead of putting in something less offensive. I'm sorry. If you're not impressed, too bad, because you know what, this is my essay; this is not a two-way road, Mr. Opinion Of the Week. Right, level 2. A level 2 is a guy like, I don't fucking know, Santa Claus or Sam Waterson.
Level 3, now we're on the road to comely. Hoo boy, are we ever. Colin Firth, Colin Farrell, Colin Quinn, all sorts of Colins fit into this category, something we might call "pretty." If you're Irish, you're probably a level 3. I don't care who you are, you're level 3.
At level 4 we find movie stars such as Tom Hanks (not Colin Hanks because he's a motherfucking level 3), Chuck Woolery, and Hollywood heartthrob Vince Vaughn. These men are level 4 because they're debonair, suave, and [synonym]. If you've ever starred in a romantic comedy (Billy Crystal not withstanding), you're probably a level 4. Dan Marino's sly hurry-up offense plays also put him squarely in the level 4 category, but don't think we can't take that away from you Dan, because we will, goddamnit.
I'm at level 5 and that's all the hot sweet shit you need to know.
Much like the fictional Highlander character, there may only be one level 6 handsome man at a time. Right now it's David Bowie and, after he's gone, I'm putting my money on Ryan Gosling. God he's handsome.
So where was I before I got distracted? Right. Some people ask me, "What makes you a handsome man?" And I tend to tell them exfoliating because it really clears up the pores and keeps me feeling fresh and confident in the afternoon, I suggest [Brand Name] bodywash because, not only does it scrub away the dirt and grime from a hard day's work scoping out the hotties at Barnes and Noble, but it also leaves a refreshing scent which will stick to your skin like frozen TV dinner to a latchkey-kid's palate.
Now, before you start gumming your brains Googling for the definition behind each level, let me be clear and a little stern with you. The levels are a well-known secret. But since you're my personal friend, anonymous Internet reader, I think I can open up my chest of treasures and show you where the aorta meets the other part of the heart I can't remember and am too lazy to look up.
Now, according to the HMBNY, there are approximately six levels of hot men. Most men, your Gilbert Godfries and your Whitney Houstons are level 1. It's a base level at which many men operate. There's nothing wrong with it - a good pyramid needs a strong base - but I wouldn't be caught dead speaking to a level 1, let alone massaging one out of friendship and veiled attraction.
If level 1 is the Craiglist of men, level 2 is J-Date. Better, but they're still riding a raft down Ugly River with [Mark Twain character of African-American descent] Jim. Those previous brackets in that last sentence which may have impressed you, you don't have to say it, I saw it in your eyes, are often used to replace material with something less offensive or summarizing. How do you replace something with "something less...summarizing," you ask? It was a grammatical mistake, I'm sorry. I meant you might summarize something as an alternative use for the parentheticals instead of putting in something less offensive. I'm sorry. If you're not impressed, too bad, because you know what, this is my essay; this is not a two-way road, Mr. Opinion Of the Week. Right, level 2. A level 2 is a guy like, I don't fucking know, Santa Claus or Sam Waterson.
Level 3, now we're on the road to comely. Hoo boy, are we ever. Colin Firth, Colin Farrell, Colin Quinn, all sorts of Colins fit into this category, something we might call "pretty." If you're Irish, you're probably a level 3. I don't care who you are, you're level 3.
At level 4 we find movie stars such as Tom Hanks (not Colin Hanks because he's a motherfucking level 3), Chuck Woolery, and Hollywood heartthrob Vince Vaughn. These men are level 4 because they're debonair, suave, and [synonym]. If you've ever starred in a romantic comedy (Billy Crystal not withstanding), you're probably a level 4. Dan Marino's sly hurry-up offense plays also put him squarely in the level 4 category, but don't think we can't take that away from you Dan, because we will, goddamnit.
I'm at level 5 and that's all the hot sweet shit you need to know.
Much like the fictional Highlander character, there may only be one level 6 handsome man at a time. Right now it's David Bowie and, after he's gone, I'm putting my money on Ryan Gosling. God he's handsome.
So where was I before I got distracted? Right. Some people ask me, "What makes you a handsome man?" And I tend to tell them exfoliating because it really clears up the pores and keeps me feeling fresh and confident in the afternoon, I suggest [Brand Name] bodywash because, not only does it scrub away the dirt and grime from a hard day's work scoping out the hotties at Barnes and Noble, but it also leaves a refreshing scent which will stick to your skin like frozen TV dinner to a latchkey-kid's palate.
posted by Mike Drucker at
12:08 PM
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