Adopt a Joke - 9-13-07
Here are new jokes this week that just don't have wings. Would you adopt one of my bad jokes?
I took my blind friend to a silent film festival. He can’t see the movies, but boy does he love Ragtime music.
I heard a woman say you should never have sex with someone against their will. I would go one step further and say regardless of their will, you should never have sex with a dead person.
My friend has a fetish for period porn. They're all set in the 1700s. And all the women bleed from their vaginas.
Who’s going to break it to the fundamentalist Christians that Jesus was born out of wedlock?
I’ve got my own place now. The best part of living alone is I can walk around the apartment naked. The worst part is there’s no one there to be jealous.
Even though I’m an atheist, Christmas is my favorite holiday. When you don’t believe in Jesus, finally Santa Claus can take center stage.
My friends are super anti-Christmas, though. Like, "Santa Claus is a capitalist invention. Only rich kids get visited by Santa Claus." Well, if the poor kids didn’t have to steal food, maybe they could score a spot on the "nice list."
God in the Old Testament and God in the New Testament are very different. The God of the Old Testament is all anger, fire and brimstone, "I am a jealous God!" he says. The God of the New Testament is happy, loves everyone, and just wants you to forgive your neighbor. Goes to show you what getting laid can do for you.
During sex, my girlfriend and I don’t have safe words. Although I’ve found the word "Mom" often does the job.
D.A.R.E. taught me to say "no" to drugs. But those inanimate objects, boy, they do not listen.
I wish we were still polytheistic, having more than one God. That way when someone tried to ban gay marriage because "God doesn’t want it," you could go, "Well, fuck ‘em, I’m voting Poseidon."
My friend is a bird watcher. He uses special sounds to attract birds so he can look at them and comment on how beautiful they are. Surprisingly, his technique does not transcend to women.
I'm sorry.
I took my blind friend to a silent film festival. He can’t see the movies, but boy does he love Ragtime music.
I heard a woman say you should never have sex with someone against their will. I would go one step further and say regardless of their will, you should never have sex with a dead person.
My friend has a fetish for period porn. They're all set in the 1700s. And all the women bleed from their vaginas.
Who’s going to break it to the fundamentalist Christians that Jesus was born out of wedlock?
I’ve got my own place now. The best part of living alone is I can walk around the apartment naked. The worst part is there’s no one there to be jealous.
Even though I’m an atheist, Christmas is my favorite holiday. When you don’t believe in Jesus, finally Santa Claus can take center stage.
My friends are super anti-Christmas, though. Like, "Santa Claus is a capitalist invention. Only rich kids get visited by Santa Claus." Well, if the poor kids didn’t have to steal food, maybe they could score a spot on the "nice list."
God in the Old Testament and God in the New Testament are very different. The God of the Old Testament is all anger, fire and brimstone, "I am a jealous God!" he says. The God of the New Testament is happy, loves everyone, and just wants you to forgive your neighbor. Goes to show you what getting laid can do for you.
During sex, my girlfriend and I don’t have safe words. Although I’ve found the word "Mom" often does the job.
D.A.R.E. taught me to say "no" to drugs. But those inanimate objects, boy, they do not listen.
I wish we were still polytheistic, having more than one God. That way when someone tried to ban gay marriage because "God doesn’t want it," you could go, "Well, fuck ‘em, I’m voting Poseidon."
My friend is a bird watcher. He uses special sounds to attract birds so he can look at them and comment on how beautiful they are. Surprisingly, his technique does not transcend to women.
I'm sorry.
posted by Mike Drucker at
8:06 AM
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