New Ipod

They announced the new iPod. And oh my God. It’s got a touch screen and wifi and you can buy songs directly to the iPod! You can search the net using Wifi. Jesus. I get so excited. It’s fucking Christmas morning and I’m excited and I want one for myself. And I feel bad. I feel bad, man, if I don’t get one. The only analogy I can think of is, imagine that every year or every 18 months, they announced a new type of penis. And it’s like, “Okay, no. I’ve got a penis. It’s fine. It works fine. I don’t need a new penis. Whatever. My penis can hold 40,000 songs.” “But the new penis is touch-sensitive!” “I don’t care!” And you tell yourself you don’t care. Your penis is good enough for you. And you even believe it a little, but then you go on the subway or go jogging, and you see the guys with their shiny new 2007 penises, and you try to hide yours a little. And then, ugh, they see it. They see that you have the 2006 penis and they just look at you like, “It’s okay, buddy. I’m sure that model works fine for your needs…” But it doesn’t! Not anymore! Now that you’ve seen what the new penis can do, you just need one. It’s easier to handle. It can last longer. It has a bigger screen! So you go out and you buy it. And you hold your new penis in your hands and you feel like, “Finally. I’m done. I’m good. I’ve got the best penis imaginable.” And you’re happy. For a while. But then terror seeps in. Because you realize that someday. Maybe soon. Maybe later. But someday, there will be a better penis. And the penis you got now? It won’t be dick.