Adopt a Joke - 11-28-07

I'm not only a bad comedian. I'm also a bad writer. Here is proof:

At my job, I always bring breakfast cereal in a Tupperware container. And I always forget to bring them home, so for the longest time at my desk I kept piling up Tupperware containers. And I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but eventually I had so many Tupperware containers on my desk I was able to build a fortress to protect my sadness.

I had a job interview a few months back that didn’t go well. He asked me where I saw myself in five years and I said, “Eating the flesh of the living.” I wasn’t hired because apparently, NBC wasn’t looking for an employee who believed in the zombie apocalypse.

You know how in December all the kids suddenly start behaving because they’re afraid that Santa won’t bring them any gifts? That’s how I think old people feel about God.

I left my old apartment because things got so bad with my roommate I had to leave a note on the fridge asking him to stop being so passive-aggressive.

I’m forming a Republican rock band. We call ourselves “Disapproval of the Rage Against the Machine.” We don’t have a vocalist because we don’t really like it when anyone stands out.

Everyone complains about Christmas, but I realized this year that Thanksgiving is the reason the rest of the world hates us. Because we’re a nation filled with obesity and overweight people – myself included – but we have a dedicated holiday where we go, “This hamburger and fries combo is bullshit; I can’t wait until the day I get a big meal!” “America, can I have some?” “Oh, I’m sorry, we fed the scraps to the do-awg.” “Oh. Well, can I become an American?” “Noooo – we are full up. Wait. Are you a beautiful model?” “No, but I am a skilled engineer.” “Who cares? We’ve got enough people to run our trains.”

Have you ever been in love with a woman so much that you won’t take “no” for an answer? Then you are a rapist.

Every Christmas, the HESS company releases a toy truck. Collectors love it. And usually it’s a tanker or a 18-wheeler – something that relates to the HESS business of delivering oil and gas. But this year it’s a monster truck. Really? At this time with oil costing over 100 dollars a barrel? You don’t think it would’ve been more responsible to maybe make the toy a Hess bicycle. Or maybe a Hess hang glider? Or maybe a guy in a Hess shirt walking to work? But a monster truck? Why not just release a model of oil wells on fire? “This year’s HESS truck is an oil well on fire, because at Hess we hate gasoline so much – oooh!” And here’s the thing – it has two motorcycles on the back. So if the road becomes a little too rocky for your monster truck, you can fucking drive through the wilderness on your moped and step on an endangered deer because this is America and we’re not going to let a little thing like the end of the world stop our party. But it makes me smile. Because as the rest of the world faces a major gas crisis, HESS has the courage to stand up and say, “Yeah! Suck it, Mother Earth! You don’t tell me how to spend my Christmas!”