Adopt a Joke Friday - 11/2/07

Sometimes skills can't pay all the bills. Only electricity and cable. These jokes couldn't even pay for my iTunes purchases for the month, which totaled about thirty dollars because I was trying some new music before, someone said it would be good for me, and I'm listening to them and they're okay, but I still like what I like so I try to keep listening to that, but it's hard for me to feel like I'm confined to one small musical circle, but then someone mentions a song and I've heard it before, but I just didn't know the name and then I'm all like, oh yeah, I remember that song from this one party I went to once and it was crazy and people were, like, smoking drugs and I didn't know what to do I was so confused and there was all this peer pressure, but I didn't give in because my uncle was a DARE cop and I'm all like not wanting to disappoint him so I just tried to act cool but I still felt like such a nerd and I think I realized that night that you sometimes have friends but sometimes they're not really your friends, at least, that's the message I think I should have taken from that night but it becomes hard to differentiate the message you're supposed to take and the message you do and since I'm an atheist anyway, I don't think I'm supposed to take anything away, I mean, at least, maybe, I doubt, I don't know, there's any actual message in anything, so I guess maybe my choices and the lessons I learned are more the projection of my own emotional reaction onto something which has happened, whether it be positive or negative.

How are you?

I bet the most difficult part of being a single parent is making the kid.

I guess I’m rebellious: I always did the opposite of what my father wanted me to do. Like, he wanted me to become a doctor. So I just know there’s a point when I’m gonna get cancer.

My friend speaks four languages and has a doctor's degree. But I had sex with his wife. Who’s smart now?

A man’s home is his castle. And with enough sheets, a man’s couch is his fort.

Wax museums are great because they let you get close to celebrities without them having to get close to commoners.

Suicidal comedian joke #9: Take my life – please!

I love stories with a twist ending. Or do I?

I don’t have a diary. Instead, I just look at old credit card statements to remind me of the times I’ve been depressed.

I’ve always been told that when giving someone criticism, you should sandwich it between compliments. For example, if someone showed you their poem, you would say, “I liked your use of imagery. This is all terrible, please kill yourself. I also liked your word choice.”

I'm sorry.