Daily Warm-Up
I'm trying something a little new, which may or may not survive this blog's natural selection process. I'm going to try to write a little piece or some jokes off a random movie quote. Just to get my brain started in the morning.
“Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies.”
-Ran
Today’s shoot was to be what Tom called a “raise-down” episode.
Tom’s wife, played by an actress who wouldn’t fuck him with a ten-foot pole – not that he had asked, but the assumption was pretty well founded by her consistent telling production assistants and interns that she wouldn’t fuck him with a ten-foot pole – would get a raise. And because his smart, sexy wife would get a raise, Tom’s character Tom would become jealous and depressed and create a crazy scheme to get him more money. Then in Act III the raise would disappear because Tom’s wife was spending so much time in the hospital with him after his wacky plumbing mishap. Tom would wear about fifteen pounds of plaster casting around his arms and legs – one of which would hang in a sling which the actress playing his wife would lovingly lean on and he would have to yelp in playful pain.
And the audience would laugh and they would clap and the sound editor would ask if that seemed alright. The producers would say, yeah, it was great, the greatest. They would say that the sound guy – who was also named Tom, isn’t that funny? – is the best in the business.
And the writers would secretly commiserate that this was the worst thing they had ever done. And then those same writers would go to bars and pick up women, proudly proclaiming that they worked on “Dad Plus Five.”
And Tom would stick around the set long after people had gone home to their real families. He’d walk up and down the stairs, trying to imprint on himself that this was an actual thing. And when some guard came by to check out all the stomping, he would joke and talk and ask about their picks for the company pool. They would leave him alone, telling him he should go home to his family.
And when Tom would go home to his family, they would be happier than anything to see him. Because he was successful and people talked about him and gave him shining awards for being so clever and funny out there in people’s homes. His family was genuinely proud of him.
And Tom would go online and read reviews of the show when it aired weeks later and he would cringe when people took him to task for his plots. Really, they’d ask, his wife has a crazy day at work? Where have we seen that before?
And Tom would open a word processor and try to create a really great script, something smart and clever. And he would close his laptop halfway through the first page, mostly in pragmatic adherence to the enterprise which had given his children six wonderful Christmases.
And he would sleep soundly in his big, comfortable bed.
At least, Tom thought that’s probably what would happen. This was a “raise-down” episode and those days tended to be kind of a bummer.
“Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies.”
-Ran
Today’s shoot was to be what Tom called a “raise-down” episode.
Tom’s wife, played by an actress who wouldn’t fuck him with a ten-foot pole – not that he had asked, but the assumption was pretty well founded by her consistent telling production assistants and interns that she wouldn’t fuck him with a ten-foot pole – would get a raise. And because his smart, sexy wife would get a raise, Tom’s character Tom would become jealous and depressed and create a crazy scheme to get him more money. Then in Act III the raise would disappear because Tom’s wife was spending so much time in the hospital with him after his wacky plumbing mishap. Tom would wear about fifteen pounds of plaster casting around his arms and legs – one of which would hang in a sling which the actress playing his wife would lovingly lean on and he would have to yelp in playful pain.
And the audience would laugh and they would clap and the sound editor would ask if that seemed alright. The producers would say, yeah, it was great, the greatest. They would say that the sound guy – who was also named Tom, isn’t that funny? – is the best in the business.
And the writers would secretly commiserate that this was the worst thing they had ever done. And then those same writers would go to bars and pick up women, proudly proclaiming that they worked on “Dad Plus Five.”
And Tom would stick around the set long after people had gone home to their real families. He’d walk up and down the stairs, trying to imprint on himself that this was an actual thing. And when some guard came by to check out all the stomping, he would joke and talk and ask about their picks for the company pool. They would leave him alone, telling him he should go home to his family.
And when Tom would go home to his family, they would be happier than anything to see him. Because he was successful and people talked about him and gave him shining awards for being so clever and funny out there in people’s homes. His family was genuinely proud of him.
And Tom would go online and read reviews of the show when it aired weeks later and he would cringe when people took him to task for his plots. Really, they’d ask, his wife has a crazy day at work? Where have we seen that before?
And Tom would open a word processor and try to create a really great script, something smart and clever. And he would close his laptop halfway through the first page, mostly in pragmatic adherence to the enterprise which had given his children six wonderful Christmases.
And he would sleep soundly in his big, comfortable bed.
At least, Tom thought that’s probably what would happen. This was a “raise-down” episode and those days tended to be kind of a bummer.
posted by Mike Drucker at
6:51 AM
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