Adopt an Unfunny Joke, Week of January 27th

Adopt an Unfunny Joke, Week of January 27th

Thousands of jokes get written every year. Over 95 percent of them get rejected and deleted. Can you find a place in your home for these terrible, unfunny, and generally moronic jokes?

I like to sit in my bathtub for a long time and let my hands soak. Then I jerk off. I call it an “oldie.”

My roommates’s Republican, but he tries to justify it by saying he’s a “liberal Republican.” Which I guess means he’s okay with abortion, but only when poor people get them.

Yo Momma so ugly, when the Trojans captured her, the Greeks were like – “good!”

Yo Momma so dumb, her geometry teacher told her to make an arc of 98 Degrees and she was like, “You want me to write fan-fiction about Nick Lachey?”

Mary was 14 when God impregnated her with Jesus. 14. That means when it comes time for the second coming of Christ, there’s going to be an Amber alert.

I sometimes ask people to come to comedy shows and they’re like, “I hate comedy.” How can someone hate comedy? I imagine it has to stem from some traumatic experience, like being raped by a comedian. I just imagine it like (act out rape with hand on back), “Yeah. Yeah, fucking take it. Sooo….where you from? President Bush is in the news. White people and black people certainly have humorous differences.”

I wish I was gay. My gay friends are all rich and have great jobs and are happy with their lives. It goes to show you. Behind every successful man is… well, I suppose another man.

I love my girlfriend more than anything. But, to be fair, I don’t really like a lot of stuff. It’s not a tough race she’s winning. She basically beat out Super Mario and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Phrase I Hate

As Jimi Hendrix never actually said, "Excuse me while I kiss this guy."

5. "I'm spiritual, but not religious." Okay. I get it. You believe in God, but you think waking up on Sunday is a bag full of ridiculous. Or you're not sure which celebrity religion fad you want to join up with yet. Or maybe the thought of the Godless universe in which we actually live frightens you, but the rational part of you knows that not eating shellfish or only fucking on certain days is stupid. Regardless, as far as it seems to me, religion is an all or nothing game. It's not a game of "just the tip." You need to be all the way in to be in and dipping your toes into the pool just to make sure the water's warm before diving in isn't going to get you to hang out with Elvis in Elysium. So don't try to cover your fearful ass by backtracking your disbelief with an excuse.

4. "They sold out." I know that, working at Staples, you've always stayed true to your tastes in music, movies, and literature. It's easy to not sell out when no one wants to buy anything from you. However, just because your favorite indie-band whom you found first before anyone knew they were famous and you were the one who posted pirated .mp3s onto the message boards way before they appeared on television suddenly starts using more guitar solos than you're used to doesn't suddenly mean they've signed some contract with the devil. There's no "man" while we're on the topic. There's no old white man in the record/literary/movie industry who crosses his fingers and hopes young, brilliant artists stop producing art and start making commercials for Diet Pepsi. I promise. Instead, there are a variety of economic, artistic, and audience concerns that often force artists to change their visions. That's not "selling out," that's facing problems which you couldn't possible imagine. And yes, sometimes artists fuck up. Sometimes they make bad decisions. Sometimes they produce a song or an album or a film they aren't proud of or seem contradictory to their previous views. Even the best Converse-wearing musicians make mistakes.

3. "In my house, we don't say 'hate'." Oh, come on. Really? That's your concern. The word 'hate.' Of all the problems confronting the American public, you're worried that people are exaggerating their distaste for things. Hey, let me tell you something. If your kid says he 'dislikes' Jews instead of saying he 'hates' Jews, he's still a racist.

2. "You're shallow / Deep." We're genetically predisposed to prefer better looking mates so we don't all end up looking like Verne "Geico Ad" Troyer. That's what genetics do. I know that those of us with man bags don't like it. I know we want women to see how creative and deep and interesting our Level 14 Half Orc Mages really are. But when we pop up the internet porn, what types of women do we look at? Yeah, me, too. I love rubbing one out to a girl with a great personality. Great breasts, round ass, beautiful face? Fuck that. I could jerk off to sentimental poetry all day. Let's be honest. In general, we're all both very shallow and very deep. We want to fuck the most beautiful people in the world and we give ourselves reasonable excuses to settle for someone that's slightly above or slightly below our level. So, when your friend who looks better than you, is smarter than you, and makes more money than you begins dating a model, don't get all pissy and claim that you're the better man because your girlfriend, despite looking like she just kissed a Dementor, thinks James Joyce is a good author. Instead, congratulate your friend on keeping the gene pool free of algae.

1. "I/You have an old soul." What in the grandmother of fuck does this mean? Does God or Shiva or some fucktard factory produce new souls every three and a half years, you know, to help with overpopulation? At what point are new souls made? Whenever some shortstack middle school girl gets rejected by the local stoner, she writes poetry about having "an old soul." Ostensibly, it's a phrase that means, "I'll fuck you even if you're ugly" or, alternately, "I'm fuckable despite being ugly." But it makes no sense whatsoever. Let's say that, literally, the phrase means that you have thousands of years of experience living life after life in some sort of reincarnation plan. Now, generally, in reincarnation, the better the person you were in the past life, the superior the body you receive in the next. However, the people who always use the phrase are probably the most scary looking motherfuckers this side of Dodge. Therefore if you say you have an old soul, you probably look terrifying, and therefore you were probably an asshole in your last life. And I don't hang out with assholes.

Metaphors, Similes, Jokes

Wow. Checking this blog indicates I've updated twice since Christ was crucified. Hopefully I'll be updating a bit more often and with better results.

For now, I just want to say that the weirdest things about working out jokes is that you really need to bounce them off other people. I mean, there are jokes that you think are funny and are genuinely funny. However, there's also a tendency to make a lot of connections within your head about bits which don't actually relate to anything in particular to an outside audience member.

I've been having that trouble recently and it has caused recent bits to suffer a tad. I don't know. Hopefully, I can really capture some of the spirit of glee which I shoved into my jokes during the summer and the fall.

I've Got Nothing Left

I've got nothing left. I thought I had a fair amount of comedy in me but, as things go, I'm wading through a series of really bad bits and jokes trying to create something different. I have a new bit called "Cleveland Williams" which I enjoy and other comedians tend to enjoy, but it's only a matter of time before it gets shaved down to one good, but only one, joke.

How are you?