Really, America? Really?

A pregnant teenager in Colorado was deemed "too immature" to have an abortion.

You know what also requires maturity to do? Raise a child.

Come the fuck on. If you're too much of an ignorant child to decide to not have a baby, perhaps you're equally unprepared to have a baby.

Go See Ratatouille

So.

Ratatouille's Out. And it's great. Disney and Pixar did a lot for me in the past two weeks, and I know that colors my view of this film.

However, this movie is honestly amazing. Bring kids. Bring a date. Bring friends. This movie is fucking amazing from a technical, writing, and acting stand-point.

Don't believe me?

A.O. Scott at the New York Times virtually took it up to his apartment and asked it to stay the night.

Judd Apatow, The Man

This little Harper's story may or may not be true.

However, assuming it's true - and knowing how comedians act, I wouldn't be surprised - he is balls to the walls awesome.

The Post in Which I Name Jon's Baby

As we get down to the biggest day in the comedy world: the birth of Jon Clarke’s baby, I’ve decided to do what every person does when there is a baby on the way. Bet on what the name will be.

Here are thoroughly researched and studied potential names for Jon’s spawn.

Boy Names:

Jesus Thunderbird Clarke - .02%

Not Jon Clarke - .03%

Dana Gould Clarke - .05%

Alfred Clarke – 1%

Tom Bombadill Clarke-Russo – 2%

Spokane Washington Clarke – 5%

Batman Clarke – 13%

Grandmaster Clarke – 15%

Jonathan Quincy Clarke – 16%

J’onn J‘onzz Clarke – 22%

Luke Cage Powerman Clarke III – 25% (Please, Jon?)

Girl Names:

Lois Clarke – 1%

Amy Clarke – 1%

Rebecca Clarke – 3%

Sue Storm Clarke – 95%

Statistics are +/- 2%

Back from L.A.

So. I'm back from L.A.

First of all, L.A. is nice, but I dislike the distance of everything. There's a subway, sure, but the only real way to get somewhere is by car. And without a driver's license, that made things a little harder for me.

The L.A. Improv is a nice club. I would say it was about the size and physical quality of the Comic Strip, although there was an extra dining area. If you combined the café area of the Broadway Comedy Club with the seating arrangement - curtain included - of the Comic Strip Live, you'd have a pretty good picture of the place.

The show itself was fun. The crowd was a bit weird for the MC and the opener, but by
the time I got up they were loose. I'd say all three of the winners had good,although not great sets. It was a fun set for what it was worth and all the comedians there were super polite, especially the visiting folks from San Francisco.

A couple people asked me about the comedy scene over there and it's hard to tell. It's sort of like doing a guest spot at New York Comedy Club and from that gaining a full perspective of the industry. It's difficult.

One thing I can say is that San Francisco comedians are very similar to New York
comedians in most respects. The handful I met and saw perform were very smart and,
even when overshooting the audience, stuck to a frame of mind which I felt was very intelligent and quick.

Furthermore, some, but not all, of the L.A. comedians tend to use a lot of act-outs. I mean a lot of act-outs. Unfortunately, this tended to appear to me to be a demo-reel for acting rather than bits. And some of the act-out jokes were of the
racist/sexist/whateverist variety. There was a three-minute bit about Korean women in nail salons. "You want nails done!? Five dollar!" You get the idea.

We were supposed to get more sets, but because all three of us were pretty unknown the other clubs backed out at the last minute. L.A. clubs tend to be a lot more image-conscious than New York clubs. In New York, we see the Michael Richards incident as embarrassing for Michael Richards. In L.A., they see the Michael Richards incident as embarrassing for the Laugh Factory, who put him up.

I was not chosen to open for Patton and Jeanine - but I did meet a good manager who
was very polite and said he enjoyed my writing and promised keep in touch with me.
Which is very, very good.

The Premiere for Ratatouille was fun. The Kodak Theater is beautiful and the quality of the screen and sound is amazing. Ratatouille itself was a blast, easily the best movie I've seen all year. It's Pixar, it's Brad Bird, and it's Patton Oswalt.

The afterparty was fun and subdued because of all the kids around. This made the
atmosphere a little more relaxed and I got to meet a few people and geek out and
embarrass myself. I made an idiot of myself meeting Brad Bird, Patton Oswalt, Jeanine Garofolo, Henry Rollins - who looks like he could destroy you with his mind - and Erik Estrada.

I talked the longest with Patton and Henry, only to the extent of Patton congratulating me on the contest and giving me some good words and Henry telling me that William Shatner's actually a pretty cool dude.

After that was the Patton Oswalt and Jeanine Garofolo show at the Troubador Theatre. I haven't seen either live and both blew me away. After the MC and the openers had
decent sets, Jeanine got on stage and just exploded. Her set was very dynamic and very fun. Although I'm not sure how he'd feel about the comparison, I'd say she had a very female Ed Murray thing going on. Very smart, very energetic.

And then there was Patton. Jesus Christ on a hammock, Patton destroyed. He didn't just destroy, he nailed every joke. He nailed every side bit. Every tag. It was amazing. It was inspirational. About a fourth of his set was crowd work, and seeing him pull these amazing pieces of comedy out of people was something to behold.

His performance made me all the more excited about his CD coming in July.

Overall it was a good experience. I met a lot of people, talked to a lot of people, and got a free set as well as a hotel and plane ride. Can't beat that.

Oddest Comedy Contest

So... if any comedians reading this think they're great joke writers, here's maybe the Darkest Comedy Contest Ever.

In a nutshell, a death-row inmate wants people to send him a joke. He'll choose the best one as his final last words. Shit

Bestill My Heart

Every time I worry about a bad joke or rent's coming, I remember: There are people worried about much, much stupider shit.

To summarize, a leader of a Christian organization is mad because the White House - the defacto head of conservative culture - listed Dick Cheney's daughter and her partner as their baby's parents.

Oh, and he's a "converted" gay man who is furious at the couple for "choosing" to live a homosexual relationship.

Jealous much?

Love All the People

Alex a little while back mentioned how there were too many angry comics in New York, and I agreed. But after while, I've slightly changed my view.

I'm not tired of angry comics. I'm tired of hateful comics.

Now let me clarify. There's a difference between anger and hatred. Not to get all zen wizard on you, but I'm okay if a comic is angry about politics. Dean Obeidallah - mein Freund - is often angry about politics, but discusses it in a way which makes his frustration funny. Lewis Black vents his fury by shouting. Hicks had his demon scream. Stanhope is, well, Stanhope.

But that's anger. They were angry at unjustified wars or pompous people or the death of comedy.

I'm tired of the hatred in stand-up. I did a show the other night, and at least three comedians based their entire acts on what they hated. And I don't mean, "Can you believe how they treat you at T.J. Max? Whoa!" I mean, "I hate this thing, I hate that thing, the world makes me angry, fuck this, fuck that." Without any direction or course of action. All that was coming out was bitterness with no recourse. One woman hated cab drivers because they were, quote, "Fucking stupid because they can't find my fucking apartment."

Now, I've mentioned before that I've got nothing against the word "hate." This isn't some semantics game in which I would prefer hack comedians to "dislike" cab-drivers rather than "hate" them. I just find that they're focusing on everyone but themselves. Everyone is wildly unreasonable. They cab driver, the lady at the store, the audience members, their kids, their spouses, their friends, their local businesses. It's not a desire to pull down the structure and rebuild something better - as might be the case with a Hicks. It's not an appeal to remove our facades - as might be the case with Stanhope. Rather, it's an effort to hurt those who bother us. It's an effort to mock people - often less fortunate than us - for not living exactly as we do.

It's xenophobic comedy. And I mean xenophobic in the strictest sense - anything outside of the person.

I know it's easy for me, someone who makes nearly no money off stand-up and only a little off comedy in general, to complain about content. It's an ivory-tower situation. However, my good friend Grubard is right. The hate is coming from us lower-enders. Sure, with Lisa Lampanelli and her ilk, there are a few headliners that make their living off this type of comedy. But the ratio is completely off balance.

Why don't we love the craziness of the world? Embrace the bad airline food unironically. Enjoy the tourists. Bask in the villainy and stupidity.

Look at what Colbert does on his show. That's a way to fight what bothers you.

Look at what they do on the Half Hour News Hour. That's a way to look ridiculous.

Then again, I rarely get these things right.