A One Sentence Story to Warm the Heart

My grandmother isn’t much but, you know, she gets the job done.

Halloween: Voice Acting Edition

Ah, horror games. They'd be halfway scary if they weren't so poorly acted. You think Saw or fucking Plan 9 from Outer Space has bad acting? Try some of these games on for size.

Oh, and remember, they're supposed to be somewhat scary.





And my personal favorite:

Nerd Tuesday: Dementium: The Ward

Since it was nearly Halloween, I decided to pick up what's probably my last purchased video game until Christmas: Dementium: The Ward.

Sort of scary in the palm of your hand.

"What is this?" you ask, person who read this far. "A horror game for the Nintendo DS? What is this April Fool's Day?" No motherfucker, it's Halloween, and there's some scary shit up in this little cartridge.

But first of all, let's get past the bad. The monsters are laughably designed. Horror games need two things in monsters: variety and clever design. The first problem comes when you realize you've taken down the same weird Frankenzombie twenty times in ten minutes. I know there's evil a foot, but, Jesus, some variety would be nice.

Any monster that's half-zombie, half-Frankenstein, but can be taken down with a nightstick ain't half-zombie, half-Frankenstein.

The second problem is the design. Like with movies, going too over-the-top makes a monster silly rather than scary. And nothing's sillier than a flying witch head that bites you. Yeah. I mean, okay. In real life, a flying witch head would scare the fuck out of me. But in a game, it comes off as sort of dumb.

BUT.

Where the game rocks is its atmosphere and level design. And, yeah. Haunted hospitals have been done before. Here's why: they're scary. That's it. Done. Scary.

And the game uses clever level design to heighten the tension. While the monsters are rarely frightening, the designers do have them pop in behind your or drop down on you occasionally which does a good job of making the heart race. You won't be keeping the lights on at night, but I didn't think literally jumping in front of my DS was going to happen.

Second: it's a fully 3D engine on the Nintendo DS. Which in itself is very impressive. That shit is so fresh, it looks like it runs off Mr. Fusion. Look at the screen shot above. Now, for most systems, that's not too much. But for a DS, that's hot butter on your breakfast toast.

Dementium may be a game that runs half on the designers' pluck and half on the novelty of a horror game on the oft-kid-friendly DS. However, it's an interesting title if you've got the time and the money to invest in something a little different.

Do They Know It's Halloween?

I've seen this before and thoroughly enjoyed it before. According to what I've heard, it was written for Unicef by David Cross and friends in response to a very Western-centric "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

Monday Sex Advice Column

If you're anything like Garfield, you hate Mondays. And love sex. Advice, ho!

Tu N writes,

hello friend drucker.michael
oh yes she is beginning to wonder if sex will get better

Tu N

I think it's time to tell her the truth.

Works Good writes,

If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready?

Works Good

Mr. Good brings up an even better point. A sexual encounter can happen at any moment, be it at a concert hall or dark alley. You must be prepared. Always carry protection with you at all times in case someone finds you attractive and wants to pursue reproduction. That ensures she doesn't just knock you up to get the baby money. That shit is whack.

Irma C. Crouch writes,

Did you always wanted to be satisfied with an average penis and ordinary women? We doubt that.

I disagree. To quote General George S. Patton, "It is the unconquerable nature of man and not the nature of the weapon he uses that ensures victory."

Eberto Jutta writes,

Новой компании, в связи с открытием, требуются агенты по работе с клиентами.
Требования: умение общаться с людьми, пунктуальность, честность?
Условия: пн-сб. с 10 до 20, з/п от 1000 USD.
Весь материал для работы предоставляется.

Eberto, all I can say is a resounding "yes," and hope that applies to your question.

Garfield. Hates Mondays. Loves Sex.

NFL Article

This article made me smile: click here and nowhere else.

Basically, the Dolphins and the Giants are playing a game in England. Sort of promote the sport, that sort of thing. Aaaaand, one of the Dolphins players didn't know they spoke English in England.

The article speaks for itself.

Hackey.

I'm the hackiest comedian in New York.

Are Hipsters Racist?

This article makes a pretty strong argument for Wed Anderson being slightly racist in his films.

Which, when it comes down to it, I agree with. While he never directly attacks non-whites, they do always seem to play this weird relaxing role - as if their exotic nature made them a great way to get away from it all. It's orientalism, as the article says.

My question might be how far hipster culture is actually a bit racist. If you've ever lived with or around hipsters - I have, oh God - they tend to "ironically" make the same racist jokes your grandparents do, but wink under the assumption that you know how "ridiculous" the joke is, so it's not actually racist. Get it? Oh, man. Being young is tough.

Not to mention the hipster mentality that anything popular is bad sort of smacks of isolationist classism. Why? Because, like, you read Stephen King? Ugh. My God. Where did you buy that - a supermarket? Why don't you read some Garrison Keillor? What? You weren't introduced to him at a higher education facility because you couldn't afford it? Pssh. You know who doesn't finish college? Republicans. I'm glad you haven't heard the song playing on my Zune - that's right, Zune; I'm not losing my identity to the invasion of the corporate body snatchers and becoming an iPodperson - because if you had, it would obviously be no good.

...

Then again, I'm not a big Wes Anderson fan. To me, his movies are basically alright family & friend self-discovery stories that get bogged down in look-at-me showmanship. Almost every moment of his films are artistically crafted to say, "Here's a clever thing coming... wait... there it is... wasn't that clever? Man, I am clever."

Lack of Etiquette V: Where the Hell Are We Now?

Hey, folks. The newest Lack of Etiquette show is coming up. Here is the poster:


Although I'm not on it, if you come to the show you can get a handy-dandy CD with a track of my comedy on it. And you know you want a piece of this.

Wednesday's Adobt a Joke - 10/24/07

Oh! These jokes need a home! Do you have a home in which these jokes may rest? Perhaps a tag to make them funny. Ah, the days - they do go by, my friends.

I fear the day hipsters begin voting ironically.

My friends always know how to make me feel better. Like the other night I asked this girl out and she said no. And my friend said, "Forget her, Mike. She's the unlucky one." Why's that? "Because I'm gonna kill her."

I'm sorry.

Feel Good - 10/23/07 (Feel Great)

I remember seeing these ads passed around years ago. I believe they were actually spec ads made by a start-up company looking for work. I forgot how good they were.

Monday's Spam Sex Advice Column

If you're like me, sex is a pipe dream on the rainbow of tomorrow. If you ever find that pot of gold, though, buddy, you'll be happy you read this advice to questions from my fans. About sex, that is. Go.

Natalia writes,

Hello
My name is Natalia.
how are you?
I find your profile and e-mail on a site of acquaintances.
I want to find the more friend and my love.
If you is real are interested, answer to me and we can begin our acquaintance.
A little about me. I was born 15 OCT 1979.
I work as the manager in the insurance company.
I want to find the man who can love me whom I will also ready to love and care.
And i believe, i can have all part of what you want in soulmate, out
of thousands of people that is on here, i find you to be my true
choice and i hope that you should feel the same way too. It's
mmmmmmmmm
really a wonderful moment as am writing this letter to you and i pray
that i should hear a good and sweat reply from you. You may be in
long distance from me, but i believe that love can do everything. I
believe love can move mountain and love can turn people's life to
wonderful life and sweet one. Ok, i wish that you should write me in
e-mail and lets talk and get to know more about each other.
My new friend I ask you to write to me on e-mail:
natalialovelysingle@yahoo.com

Natalia


Yowza! Well, Natalia. I'm afraid I'm probably not write for an email romance write now. Get it? Ah, I bet you do. However, despite my problems scheduling a new romance with you - a very exciting insurance manager, no less! My loss! - I do think you're taking the write steps. A great way to find Mr. Write or Ms. Write (Mrs. Write after you marry her legally! Get it?!) is to find someone whose blog makes you smile at work and then send them a message with your birthday and job information.

Kev Hogarty writes,

Hey ya drucker.michael
make her juices flow when she looks at your impressive dick

You and me both, buddy!

Maxwell S. English writes,

Have you ever heard this, "Oh my God! Your penis is really tiny!"?
Didn't you just wanna run away?
Don't let women prefer vibrator to you! Megadik will bring you to your sexual dreams! You must believe in this excellent preparation!
"Wow! Your penis is impressive!" Isn't that what you just love to hear?
Soon you'll be the only one they will wish! Megadik is your magic weapon!

Maxwell S. English


In some way or another, haven't we all at one time heard "Oh my God! Your penis is really tiny!"? Maybe it was the teacher who gave you a low grade on that science project you were so proud of. Maybe it was a coach who was disappointed by your little league efforts. Maybe it was a parent who just didn't thank you for that Christmas card you made.

At some time in our lives, we've all heard our loved ones exclaim that our penis is "really tiny." And we've all wanted to "run away."

But you can't. If your boss doesn't appreciate the finance report, you've just got to buck up and say, "Sir, my penis may be really tiny, but I love it. I will not run away. You will prefer my report to a that of a vibrator. In this case a vibrator representing another worker at my place of employment." Be proud of your penis, and your confidence will be your MegaDik.

Blaine Iller writes,

hallo whats up! drucker.michael
she said the sex was good but did she climax?

Blaine,

I would ask her.

On the Frustrations of Geographic Proximity

As I was walking from the train to work, I saw Eric I and Hector Luis waiting in line at Caroline's. Being a few minutes early, I stopped by to say "hi" and ask what they were waiting for. Apparently, Caroline's was / is holding some sort of auditions for the New York Comedy Festival and they're taking a bunch of people.

Unfortunately, I work literally across the street. And I've already called in my favor for the year (taking off earlier for Christmas than the rest of the office). Despite their pleas for me to call in sick, I realized that if I had called in sick and my boss had walked by me standing in line for Caroline's - especially after I had begged to get more vacation time than I rightfully deserved - I would have been in danger of losing what is, overall, a very good job.

Of course, the Danger Zone comic in me says, "So what? Fuck 'em! Comedy forever! Yeah!." But the pragmatist comedian in me told me that while, yes, waiting in line with Eric I and Hector would have been a more fun way to spend my morning, I neither had my headshot nor my resume with me - and not enough time before they opened doors to fetch them from Queens - and losing a job would probably hurt me more than help me at this point. Especially as I'm trying to save up money for the eventual road gigs which require car rental and hotel funds.

That's what's tough at this point. A lot of comedians want to make black and white decisions on comedy. You do comedy - you're a comedian. You don't do comedy - you're not. But there are actually some pretty strategic decisions and planning-ahead which goes into this game that a lot of people don't realize.

You can hit the mic that night - but you can also go home and write and sleep and hit the next mic feeling completely refreshed. You can write or you can do a mic. And the worry is - the worry is - the worry is that you'll mix up strategy with laziness and eventually just become someone who used to do comedy.

Feel Good 10/12/07

Wow. Mel Blanc was a genius. Makes me want to work a little harder and be a little funnier.

Feel Good - 10-10-07

I'm not ashamed to say this gave me shivers.


http://view.break.com/379568 - Watch more free videos

Early Drafts for the Gates of Hell

If you've had hope up to this point, now's a good time to let it go for good, man.

Entering here will probably make you feel less hopeful than you once did so, you know, fair warning.

Don't keep hoping; the shit you're about to see after you enter here is totally heavy.

Are you someone who likes to hope? Well after you pass through here… Cut. It. Out. (NOTE: Have demons at gate gesture cutting, pointing with forefinger, and then backwards pointing with thumb.)

If you decide to walk through these games – and, unfortunately, you probably will since there's no where else to go – you might find your emotions will become slightly skewed towards the less hopeful. Because you're in Hell, dude.

Because I Said So

If you want, watch a little of this:



The point, supposedly, is that American kids are dumb. However, the journalism on this piece is incredibly bad, and facts are rarely backed up. Watching this video makes me think of the kid who takes a video camera to school and video tapes all the people he knows are morons and then says, "See, Mom and Dad? My grades are bad because everyone here dumb."

The problem here isn't the problem of the documentary and whether or not it's true.

Rather, it's the media assumption. Why are American kids dumb? Well, I don't know - the news and Jay Leno say so. Oh, then it must be true. How do we know foreign students are smarter? Because polls on the news tell us so. We don't question from whom or where the facts come from because we are raised to assume that the media has our best intentions in mind.

But, the problem is this: the American news media is extremely black and white. We're either winning or we're losing. It's hard to paint a sexy story where American kids are, eh, doing alright.

If we were ranked number one, we could have a great story with ticker tape and banners and big graphics saying, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! We're the smartest! Suck it, Luxemberg!"

But how do you do a story about America being ranked fifth? Or ninth? You can't, really. Because that's just a bare fact.

So what you do is you take the fact that we're behind someone, and you make it a race.

Then it becomes, hysterical: "Oh Jesus Lord of All 6000 Years of Earth History! It's all over! We're not first anymore! We're last! Not first means last! American kids are dumb! Just visit a special ed class and you'll see that teachers can't keep their students under control!"

And then ever politician goes, "Well, Jesus. Since Katie Couric says kids are dumb, that must mean kids are dumb. How could she possibly benefit by sensationalizing a relatively mundane story?"

That's when teachers begin to be forced to test their students to make sure that they're testing at the right level of testing. Meanwhile, practical skills - the reason you learn math in high school - is thrown out the door so you can know what time a train leaves Chicago.

This fosters boredom in the students and rather than being conceptually dumber because they don't know all the capitals of all the states, they become pragmatically dumber because they can't figure out how to pay their taxes correctly or write a cover letter for a job.

But fuck it, hey, whatever. A story's a story.

It's a Wonderful Life

I know the tendency for people to pooh-pooh watching Christmas movies this early but, considering most the links on TV-Links.co.uk are down, "It's a Wonderful Life" will have to do.

Man, this movie kicks ass.