McSweeneys List

Here's a list Jon Clarke and I wrote together as friends on a team with one another. I hope you enjoy it. Please tell me you do. The darkness is clouding in... oh no. Oh dear. The mists of tomorrow do cloud today with thoughts of what future might be if success is not achieved.

Xbox Live Gamer Tag: Hackeycomic

I think the title says it all.

If you happen to have a 360 and are looking to play a game, look me up under "hackeycomic."

A Side Story About Comedy

I'm hosting, so I have to talk to a guy doing a guest spot. This conversation happened:

ME: What do you want me to say about you?
HIM: Who are you? Who are you?
ME: I'm the MC.
HIM: Great! Okay. Can you say he's jerked off a frog!
ME: I will say that, you know. I'll say what you tell me to say.
HIM: Say that I've had sex with over a million fat women!
ME: You understand that I will say this.
HIM: Fine. Tell them that he's a legend in the comedy industry!
ME: Okay. What's your name?

A Music Metaphor for My Night

At first I thought I bombed hard tonight. And then I watched the rest of the show. Thereafter I realized something.

Imagine if there were a sign that said, "Show for Music Lovers Tonight!" and you got about sixty people to fill a three-hundred seat theater. They're all music lovers, sure. So they get there and sit down. The lights go low. The announcer announces the opener, straight from wherever...

A Jazz Band. Okay. Sure. There's only a few jazz fans in the audience, so the other people sort of ignore the Jazz Band and try to figure out what's going on. Jazz? I thought this was a music lover's show! Boring!

The next act is a Death Speed Metal Band. Rock and roll! Half the crowd lights up. Now this is what we came to see! But the jazz fans are sort of angry and the other people who think of themselves as music lovers are insulted that this trash, this gutter garbage of noise is being played.

But wait. Finally, the last act, the headliner, is an '80s Pop Cover Band. The other half of the crowd goes nuts. This is the music we remember. Is that Hungry Like the Wolf? I lost my virginity to that song! But now the Death Speed Metal fans are just staring at the women screaming and the jazz fans are sitting there scratching their heads wondering if the headliner is going to do something a little calmer.

Now imagine all of this - and then imagine a screaming crowd of twenty-five women there for a friend's birthday. So no matter what type of music was being played, they really wanted you to sing some Sinatra. Because Kim loves Sinatra, and it's really her night - damn the rest of the crowd.

The Jazz Band - they're just a jazz band, so they don't even have a singer to handle that type of material. They can get the rhythm down, but no one's crooning tonight.

The Death Speed Metal Band does a cover of "Fly Me to the Moon," but the girls want real Sinatra, not some sort of post-modern take. So they go back to rocking and try to pick up the pieces of the half-crowd.

And the 80's Pop Cover Band does their best to fit as many songs by Sinatra in there as they can. "I Get a Kick Out of You," "Summer Wind," "How Deep is the Ocean," they try them all. And while they do better than the Jazz Band and the Death Speed Metal Band, the ladies aren't really with it. They want it faster for the ballads and slower for the Swingers. A little more pop! C'mon, you know, like Frankie did it!

And in the end, everyone left feeling a little confused. Because we're all music lovers, right? But at the same time, everyone who came had a different idea of what great music was. And it seems like while most of the performers came close, no one quite got it exactly right.

That's what tonight was like. Take that as you will.

The Unpopular Lightness of Being

I wrote another article for Black 20, although I'm not posting it here at the moment. It's getting some bad reviews in the discussion forums, so I think I'm a little disappointed. The problem with comedy or even the Internet is that negative feedback is often as right as it is crazy. So for every person that says, "I hate it! Where are the candy canes?" there is a person who says, "I wish this was a little punchier."

I've only got one more Christmas article to write for them and, by all accounts, it should be the best. But I'm still hoping I can pull it back up after a somewhat lackluster entry into the series.

Want to be a Better Hitter?

I saw this on the bottom of the CNN article about the list of MLB players using steroids. Oh, Google Ads. What can't you make better?

The Police State Comic of 2240

Hey, citizens! Double plus-good it is Day Five! And you know what that equals: Day Six! Indeed! Does anyone have any Day Six plans?

I planned on requisitioning a mating sequence with a female in my day-pay’s Records and Filing Unit. But then when I went to request the right paperwork, there was a man in her designated area! I was like, “Greetings sir, do you know where Jane Smith is?” And he said, get this, “Jane Smith? I have been in this area since longer than not. I don’t even believe there is someone named Jane Smith in existence and it would be foolhardy to investigate further.” And then I said, “Investigate further? Why when it must be I who has a malfunctioning memory?”

Who hasn’t been in this situation? We must all have malfunctioning memories.

I think it has something to do with those crazy Oceanics. News Citizens on the Screen say they have been attempting to poison our water because they don’t respect our purity and that is why so many of our younger citizens are sick. I thought, “You don’t need to poison us to show you don’t respect our purity, one look at photos of you on the daily educational videos show that enough!”

Thank you.

No wonder their government lets them have voting booths – it’s their word for a restroom!

Which calls to my attention a related topic: what’s the deal with voting? They always say in their propaganda raids that we have been deprived of a “right.” But I will tell you what right we do have – the right Leader!

Thank you.

We have one Leader who is always with us and always protecting us. The Oceanics however have a different leader, like, every other decade. Has every Oceanic person been their leader already? I tried to check during last night’s mandatory summation, but I cannot tell the difference between them.

They look so alike, I bet they go into the booth and think they’re voting for themselves!

Part of me regrets – but not too much! – that we are doing so well in the war with Oceania because soon we will have to assimilate them into our culture. Oh boy! I for one cannot wait to have to teach a new neighbor how to shower or feed a newborn without sin. I’m joking, I’m joking. I am excited to welcome them into the correct way.

Well, I have said everything I need to say. Have an enjoyable Day Six and please do not forget to make your mandatory donation to the North American Self Defense Fund on your way out.

My New Favorite Comedian

Black people and white people are different. Gentiles and Jews don't have many things in common. Have you ever noticed that women and men are... C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Mike's Third Black 20 Christmas Piece

This piece is about The 2006 Remake of The Year Without a Santa Claus.

Read it or do not read it! My caring is at the lowest levels in history!

The 1993 CES Convention Comedian

After last night, I realized I'm only good at one joke. But goddamnit, I'm great at that one joke.
----

The 1993 CES Convention Comedian

Hey! Give it up for your host. Isn’t he something? He’s faster than a 486 with 2 megs of RAM! Hey! So I met a girl on a BBS message board. She wants to meet me tomorrow, but I haven’t finished downloading her photo yet. I know! She wanted me to read some of her poetry, and when I asked what format she should send them to me in, she said, "Do you mind if I do ASCII?" And I said, "Only if you don’t mind if I tell-y." I’m just kidding, folks. We tried to connect computers once – she asked me what my IP address was. I said, "My home!" Hah! So, guys! What’s the difference between a 3.5 inch floppy and 5.25 floppy? None! Because if you’ve got one, you’re disappointing a lady! Hey-yo! But what’s the deal with these new CD-Roms? They seem pretty expensive. I keep hearing they can store an entire encyclopedia on one disc. But if I wanted to have one expensive thing tell me that it knows everything, I’d talk to my wife. That’s right, she’s a thing! So, I wanted to program a computer that told jokes for me. A friend of mine suggested I hire a C++ programmer. I thought that meant he was super average! Hey! But I hired the C++ programmer, but I’ve got to say, he did a C - - job. Am I right? I told my friend I wanted to build a token ring network in my house, so he brought over a bag of marijuana and some friends. Hey, I’m just kidding – I never touch the stuff! Have you guys seen this Windows 3.1 yet? Oh, gosh! You can see what you’re working on. Sorry DOS, but I am tired of visiting Zork. Am I right? It’s selling really well, too. Windows 3.1 is selling so well that I think Bill Gates is going to start living in a Bill - Gated Community. Am I right? He’s making millions, I mean. Alright, folks, I’ve got to go make a tape backup of my files. I hope I don’t mix it up with my son’s Blind Melon tape again. Hah! Boy, was he angry. But I said, "Hey! Not only do you not have to listen to that garbage music anymore, but you just got 50 kilobytes of the best porn out there." I’m joshing you guys. You were great. Visit me at the Quicken booth. Goodnight.

New Black 20 Christmas Piece

I've written another Black 20 Christmas Piece for Black 20 which is a website owned by the people who make Black 20.

Enjoy.