Guys, I Had Sex. With a Woman!

Hey guys, oh my God. You're never going to believe this: I had sex. With a woman!

No, a real woman! How do I know, you ask? Because she had a vagina. And not just any vagina; it was made out of real flesh! I saw it with my own eyes. No rubber or plastic for me, guys. Not any more! No, no, no. And you know what? It wasn't that hard! I mean, me, hoo boy! I was very "IN THE MOOD" you would say. Seducing her was easy, I had meant. Oh goodness, yes. I was at church and she was at church and it was the same church and I saw her and I was like, "This is the one I'm going to have sex with - forever."

And I smiled at her and she looked down and smiled and I was like, "Yeah, boy, I'm so in!" And the reverend was going on and on and on and I turned to her and I was like, "What is this, like, CSPAN?" And she laughed and she was like, "I totally don't know what that is!" I was like, "What are you stupid? Oh my God! I bet you're not stupid! You look so smart!" And she smiled at me and was like, "Stop," and I was like, "No. With eyebrows like that you're probably a poet or a singer." Oh boy, I said the right thing because she turned red like Tabasco sauce and said, "I do sing in the shower." So me, I'm thinking, this is the one - and we're whispering the whole time so don't worry, we're not offending Jesus or something because, I mean, I was bored but I'm not disrespectful. I know that sounds weird when I'm talking about having sex (with a woman!) but I want it to be clear I meant no disrespect to God or anything - and I go, "I would like to see that!" Her in the shower, I mean, because she just mentioned singing in the shower and it was not the singing I cared about, guys! So she laughs really loud and embarrasses herself and I say how sorry I am I made her laugh and she was so cool with it. After church was over and we prayed for peace, we walked, and we went to Red Lobster and it was packed but I got a table because my brother's a server.

And we talked and went back to her place and she was like, "Hey, Scott, I think you're cool. Thank you for dinner." Then she gave me dessert if you know what I mean! I mean sex!

It wasn't an actual dessert. And you know what, guys? It was fun, man, wow! The thing is this: in Playboy, there's just a woman. But in sex, there is a woman and a man. And that's like, double the fun. I suggest you try it. But not with Rebbecca. Because she is mine and I'm thinking of marrying her if she says yes and still likes me.