The Island of Misfit Jokes
In the bathroom at work, there’s a sign that says “Please Report All Leaks to Facilities.” So afterwards I called them up and said, “I did it!”
What’s the difference between my mother and my father? How much they love me!
What did the Hydrogen atom say to the charged Helium atom? I’ve got my ion you!
What’s buried beneath the local golf course? My father won’t tell me!
I got pulled over by a police officer. And I said, “Is there a problem officer?” And he said, “Yes there is, boy. Do you know how fast you were going?” And sadly, for the first time, I didn’t.
Why do women make bad drivers? Because they are responsible for the birth of all drivers, whether they be skilled or not! Oooooh! Crowd’s turning on me now!
What does a gay horse sound like? “Nay!” (Add in gay intonation for live stage effect. Classic.)
Dn’kiel, the Spider Sorcerer on Meeting Women:
Dating’s hard, when you’re made of fucking spiders!
What do the demons in my dreams say to the voices in my head? “Almost there, guys. Almost there.”
How do you get a woman to sleep with you? Date her for a long time and that shit will just take care of itself, son!
Where can you find pink potatoes? In a land bathed in the red light of a dying sun!
What do you get when you mix a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a horse? A well-funded research grant! Hey-yo!
What did the astronaut say to the alien? “Oh fuck! Fuck! Oh Jesus! Fuck! Oh God!”
White people all time travel like this, “Yes: I am indeed looking forward to killing Hitler.” Black people time travel like this, “Aw, yeah, boy, I’m gonna fuck up Hitler!”
This guy knows what I’m talking about - because he is my clone!
Who’s there?
God.
God who?
THE GOD OF MOSES COMMANDS YOU TO OPEN!
How do you confuse a blonde? Force her to read the Federalist Papers, but actually give her the Anti-Federalist Papers! Who said it I said it.
What’s the difference between 9/11 and
Italian Man: What’s a-matter?
Second Italian Man: It’s a-what-a every-a thing-a is-a made of, like atoms and-a stuff!
They say dress for the job you want – that’s why I showed up to work in a tuxedo with a wax mask of my face. Because I wish I were dead! As my job! If one could be paid to be so! What a useless payment that would be! What a crazy world we live in! I exclaim all things which I say!
posted by Mike Drucker at
11:46 AM
1 Comments:
Chemistry puns are awesome.
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