A Motivational Speech for Myself

Good morning. We've lost a lot of our friends in the Self-Esteem Corps recently. The Williamsburg show alone killed fifteen thousand Agents of Self-Esteem. And the DC Comedy Festival. Ooooooh, the DC Comedy Festival. The less that's said about your failure to procure a spot, the better. Enough has been said. There was a lot of talking and it was negative, so the said part should be limited.

But a lot of you are asking, "Why not quit now? Why not get out of this mess while you still have your dignity?"

And I say this to you, few remaining Self-Esteem Soldiers of Something or Other, it's too late. All dignity is gone. Like Cortes, we burned the ships of potential self-satisfaction when we arrived in this barren wasteland of self-hatred. Like Cortes, but not exactly! You think you can go back now? Oh-ho! Today you are a shitty comedian! But if you try to swim back to the shores of normality, you will find that you will not only drown, but you will be known as someone who failed after being a shitty comedian.

I know things seem grim right now. We've all got a hard-on for laughter. Oh, boy! I can feel that need for laughter in my pants! Not really, but I want you boys to understand me, here, while I talk more. I've got a big old need for speed. And that speed isn't moving fast or the drug speed. It's comedy! It's the laughter from the mouth of babes! Whether those babes be actual babies or grown men, those babes will laugh!

So before you run for the Ocean of Self-Regret where the cooling waves and father-son games of catch relieve you of your terror. Might I ask - isn't it worth sacrificing your very sanity for a shot at greatness? Isn't it worth reaching above the clouds of today for the bright, bright sun of tomorrow?

No?

Well, then fuck this noise! Let's go get us a job!