Feel Good 1-30-08

Jonathan Coulton is the best song writer living today. He wrote the amazing Still Alive from Portal and wrote this song (synced with Shaun of the Dead by a fan):

My Writing is On a Saturday Night Live DVD (Deleted Scenes)

Okay, in 2006, I wrote a joke for SNL. The joke bombed, hard. I mean fucking silence.

Anyway, NBC has just released the "Best of 2006/2007" DVD for Saturday Night Live. And I'm on it. Amazon starts selling it in March, but you can get it at Starbucks now. Seriously.

Basically, there's a section with Outtakes from Weekend Update. And my joke is in there. As the first joke. The first bad joke is mine.

Which means, if I'm not off my game, I am the best worst comedy writer in the world! Huzzah!

Oh God, Look at Him

Who's got two thumbs and can't wait to start the apocalypse? This guy!

Sound Fix Tonight!

I Just Got Paid for Political Comedy. Jealous?

I just got paid for this Ron Paul piece on 23/6.

Don't get me wrong, I like Ron Paul. Like most Republicans, Ron Paul has some silly personal beliefs. But unlike most Republicans, Ron Paul will never demand you take them as your own.

Just sometimes those Ron Paul fans get vicious when their boy doesn't win. They're like Yankees fan. If their team doesn't win, the fix must be in.

Make That, Defender is a Great Game

Don't look at me like I'm a monster. Defender is a good game.

I Love You More Than Ever. Except More So!

Nigel: You will have your own challenges, and I'll bet you'll meet them splendidly.

from: Wild Thornberrys Movie, The (2002)

Hey, Frank. Close the door behind you; I don’t want my roommate to hear this. Now, you know I love you, right?

Like, you know that. Say you do. I mean it. Say you know I love you. Because I do. Do you love me too? That’s so good. But things just aren’t working out between us, Frank. And I think we should really stop seeing each other. Because I love you so much and it’s, like, I guess I love you so much that I don’t think I’m right for you? Does that make sense? Frank? I think you’re so smart and so good and your band will really take off soon, I know that, I do, I so believe in you. But right now, I can’t feel this way about a guy and not know if my feelings will be fulfilled or if I feel this way for you just because I’m afraid I might not feel this way for someone else.

Does that make sense? Frank? Oh my God, don’t get all frowny! I still love you! And, I mean, like, we’re still friends, you know? I mean, I know – what a cliché. But we’ve got season tickets to the Penguins.

And I’ll be honest here. Listen, because this is my honesty talking: I wouldn’t want to see anyone else in the seat next to me. That’s your seat. And if you can’t make the game because you’ve got a hot date – I bet you’ll find one so fast! And soon! – I definitely won’t let anyone sit there. Not my friends or any guys I would be dating – who, I want to let you know, I’ll never love as much as you. I know this probably comes as a surprise and that’s okay. It’s okay to be surprised sometimes. Birthday presents are surprises.

Remember when I surprised you with that trip to Ireland and we had so much fun? You were so surprised when I got you that. And that’s what this is like! It’s like a trip to an Ireland where instead of cozy cottages we stayed in, there are new people to meet and romantic opportunities. But I love you, and I want you to always know in my heart, you’re Frank and you’ll stay Frank. Even if I meet another guy named Frank – date or no, he could be my friend, too – he’ll be referred to in my thoughts and blog as Frank Number Two! You're Number One!

Do you understand that? That’s great, because I met a guy named Frank. And I like him a lot and he’s so different from you that I think of him as another part of you. So it’s, like, I’m not breaking up with you so much as seeing the other side of you in a new light differently with someone else. And I like that. I want you to like that too. Do you like that too? Do you want to talk about how you feel right now? Frank? You know I’ll always love you, right? Say you do.

We Will Make It and We Will Win!

Hard as today may be at work. I want myself to remember, YOU GOT TO BELIEVE!

Guys, I Had Sex. With a Woman!

Hey guys, oh my God. You're never going to believe this: I had sex. With a woman!

No, a real woman! How do I know, you ask? Because she had a vagina. And not just any vagina; it was made out of real flesh! I saw it with my own eyes. No rubber or plastic for me, guys. Not any more! No, no, no. And you know what? It wasn't that hard! I mean, me, hoo boy! I was very "IN THE MOOD" you would say. Seducing her was easy, I had meant. Oh goodness, yes. I was at church and she was at church and it was the same church and I saw her and I was like, "This is the one I'm going to have sex with - forever."

And I smiled at her and she looked down and smiled and I was like, "Yeah, boy, I'm so in!" And the reverend was going on and on and on and I turned to her and I was like, "What is this, like, CSPAN?" And she laughed and she was like, "I totally don't know what that is!" I was like, "What are you stupid? Oh my God! I bet you're not stupid! You look so smart!" And she smiled at me and was like, "Stop," and I was like, "No. With eyebrows like that you're probably a poet or a singer." Oh boy, I said the right thing because she turned red like Tabasco sauce and said, "I do sing in the shower." So me, I'm thinking, this is the one - and we're whispering the whole time so don't worry, we're not offending Jesus or something because, I mean, I was bored but I'm not disrespectful. I know that sounds weird when I'm talking about having sex (with a woman!) but I want it to be clear I meant no disrespect to God or anything - and I go, "I would like to see that!" Her in the shower, I mean, because she just mentioned singing in the shower and it was not the singing I cared about, guys! So she laughs really loud and embarrasses herself and I say how sorry I am I made her laugh and she was so cool with it. After church was over and we prayed for peace, we walked, and we went to Red Lobster and it was packed but I got a table because my brother's a server.

And we talked and went back to her place and she was like, "Hey, Scott, I think you're cool. Thank you for dinner." Then she gave me dessert if you know what I mean! I mean sex!

It wasn't an actual dessert. And you know what, guys? It was fun, man, wow! The thing is this: in Playboy, there's just a woman. But in sex, there is a woman and a man. And that's like, double the fun. I suggest you try it. But not with Rebbecca. Because she is mine and I'm thinking of marrying her if she says yes and still likes me.

Get Over Depression with Beats

I've been real depressed recently - mostly because of the job situation. But there's one thing that can make me smile. The love of a woman? No. Biz's Beat of the Day!

Thanks for Staying Classy, Internet

When I heard Heath Ledger died, I decided to read up on the story on TMZ.

Sure enough, the Internet got there first.

(Click on the photo and click on the comments section to see what I mean.)

New Black 20 Piece is the Best I've Written Yet

I wrote a new Black 20 piece called "Know Your Armageddon."

I think it's the best I've written for Black20 yet. Read it and disagree!

My Daughter Isn't Going to Be Dating Some Dirty Shape-Shifter

Jenna, honey, we need to talk, okay? Now, you know I love you. Your mother and I, we - we both love you. But this business you have going with that changeling needs to stop. Yeah, I know he has a name, but do you know what it is? His real name? Because if you did, you’d fucking own him. But you don’t. You think his name is Nacho or something. Nick, whatever. But my daughter isn’t dating a shape shifter. Not in my house. Can you even tell the difference between them? For all you know they’re, like, some fucking blue shapes with sentient thought. You don’t know. You’re too wrapped up in him being anything you want, whenever you want. But what if he’s just studying the crevices of your body so he can imitate you and empty your bank accounts while your body rots in some dumpster. It’s not dramatic; watch the news, honey. It happens. It happens. How do I know you’re actually Jenna? Fucking… Where did we go on vacation when you were seven? And how do I know you just didn’t tell him – if he’s even a he – that in some moment of shape-shifty passion? You could’ve. Or maybe you are him. We can never be sure now. We don’t even trust each other. We’re thinking about blood tests. Or can your little boyfriend imitate DNA, too? Goddamnit! Look at what you’ve done to this family by opening your loins to a man who can hide in the shadows - by becoming them! Oh God! Well, I’ll tell you one thing. I hope you’re wearing protection. Because if you think your mother or I are going to pay for some half-ling, you’re wrong. I don’t care what your cousin tells you. Raising a baby that can turn into a rabbit isn’t easy. It’s fucking hard.

Today's Warm Up - Partial Glance

Diana Luna: What do you do when you don't have someone?
Eddie Cusack: You find someone!

from: Code of Silence (1985)

Hi! Hello! Sorry to interrupt your novel reading – by the way, I read novels too! – but I think you’re absolutely perfect for me. I mean, there you are and here I am and it would appear that we both ride the same train so already right there we have a lot to talk about. The N Train sure is crazy this time of day, isn’t it? I know! I bet you live in Astoria because I got on the train and you were already here which means you got on in Astoria and it’d be pretty silly if you lived somewhere else and rode the train from there, right? Oh my God, I live in Astoria, too! That means we’re, like, melding right now. I bet you smell good. I’ve got a cold right now so I can’t really smell anything, but I really bet you do. You look like a woman who smells like summer mornings. Peaches. That’s my nickname for you. I should let you know before we start anything that I’ve had some bad breakups in the past, so if this is just a fun thing for you, I’ve got to know. You don’t look like a heart breaker so I totally trust you, but I want you to know that I’m just worn out from love and I need to be nursed back to health and I’m not ready to jump into anything serious unless I know it can be serious. You look serious. I mean, not like, “I’m serious hoo boy am I sour,” but you don’t look like some loose woman who’s going to dump me for some old college friend that’s just “crashing” at your place or whatever. You don’t look like you’ve broken up with a lot of guys. That’s a relief. Maybe you haven’t dated any guys! Wow, that would be something, right? If I was your first time. I mean dating! That’s so awkward! Oh my God! I didn’t mean sex! I am totally not thinking of sex with you yet because I’d prefer to wait. Until you’re ready! Third date! Well, this is my stop, so I better get off, but I can’t wait until tomorrow and we get to see each other again! Wow! What a coincidence!

What happened while I was asleep?

I went home early today because my still-sick body told me, promptly, "Fuck this noise, I's tired, dawg." So I went to bed.

When I woke up, I found this on the news feed:



Darth Vader's in Soul Calibur IV?

No, no, I'm sorry. Soul Calibur is a sword fighting game. And you know what cuts through swords made from steel and iron? Fucking lightsabers! They cut through steel, goddamnit!

These are the jokes, friends.

If you watched the Daily Show, you might have seen Jon Stewart's jokes about the WGA Strike. These jokes, meant to be taken ironically, have been reported by IMDB as "swipes at the WGA."

I know this is silly and everything, but really, IMDB? Really? You didn't pick up on the sarcasm of comparing iTunes episodes you pay for to free sample cheese you get in a mall? Really?

Obviously.

I've changed the formatting of the blog again. I was a bit unhappy with the way it looked before and because of the way it was coded, wrestling it into a slightly different form was beginning to become a pain. Hopefully, I can get it into something more elegant soon.

Pipe Dreams

Sleeping on and off, and having strange dreams.



Tried to write jokes, but none approach quality. Some are quite awful.



Head throbbing.



This is the worst flu I've had in a long, long time.



Is this bit getting old?



Yes.

Flu? Shot!

I'm now profoundly sick. On Friday, my head hurt and my throat was dry - what I assumed was the result of sleeping with my mouth open or some such nonsense. Saturday, I was cranky and tired and coughing. Sunday, I was coughing even more and beginning to lose my focus, resulting in a good, but altogether weird Writers Room performance.

To make up for it, here's an invention that is called "The Tiddy Bear"

New Black 20 Piece

I wrote this Black 20 piece in hopes of filling that dark hole I call depression.

See if it does!