(D)evangelical Comedy Was Great!

Wow! Last night's atheist comedy show was literally one of the best shows I'd ever performed on. Everyone had great sets, especially John Knefel, Kumail Nanjiani, John F. O'Donnell, and Jamie Kilstein. Everyone had fun and a lot of people talked to us after the show about atheism.

Fun times.

I found this on Google:

Historical Figures Magic Card Expansion

Asus Eee PC Coming

I ordered a new micro laptop for New Orleans so I could work while I was out of town.

It's supposed to come today.

The suspense is going to kill me! Seriously! Oh God! Can't anyone stop the suspense? What's that knock at my door? Is it... no! It's more suspense! It's just the guy from the Post Office. He brought my college loan bill and more suspense! There's too much! I'm choking on all the suspense! Suspense, suspense, suspense! I must dispense more suspense when on the fence about our presidents! WHY THE FUCK WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME!



COMEDY GOLD IS EVERYWHERE JUST AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!

I MISSED MY ONLY CHANCE TO KISS SHEPARD GOLDMAN, MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SWEETHEART! WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW? I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT HERE BUT DEAD BODIES AND CHEAP BICARDI AND SODA MIXERS WHICH WOULD TASTE GOOD IF IT WEREN'T THE END OF ALL THINGS ALWAYS.

My New Paid 23/6 Article Isn't About Sex With Anyone

Instead, it's about poor people dying faster than rich people!

Read it if you're daring to do such things.

Hey America! Real News Can Be Sexy, Too!

Update: Now Available in 23/6 Flavor!

Hey, guys! We’ve had a lot of fun the past few weeks with a certain governor! Am I right? But did you know there are also real news stories happening right now that effect you more than the desperate fame grab of a semi-talented hooker? But those stories can be just as fun and sexy too! Here we go!

General Motors is Road Testing Pollution-Free Hydrogen SUVs

Uh-oh! We know where this gem is going! Without the sounds of an internal combustion engine giving their limousines away, it looks like secret trysts between politicians and women or men of varying social stature will be a whole lot easier! Am I right? High-five!

The Postal Service is Arguing Against “Do Not Mail” Registries

Oops! Looks like the Post Office makes a lot of money off junk mail. Just like these Emperor’s Club hookers are making a lot of money off some junk males! Oh boy! I wish my first wife could see how good that zinger was! Up top! Too bad she’s dead!

The Hubble Telescope Found Organic Gas on an Extrasolar Planet

LOL! I don’t know whether or not this distant planet has life or not but, you know what they say, where there’s organic gas, there’s butt sex! Like the kind that happens between two willing adults whose relationship is illegal within the confines of puritanical laws and juvenile social standards! I mean, her tushie went “waaaa!” I never talk to my father! Give me some skin!

Over 150 People Have Been Arrested in San Francisco Anti-War Protests

I’ve got nothing to say for this! We’re falling apart as a country! I hope a celebrity does something I’ve done before but in a public forum so I can mock them with sassy one-liners and not have to look into the bleak reflection of our country’s social mirror! Don’t leave me hanging, bro!

Human Rights Groups are Slamming the European Union Over Tibet

Where’s the gun? You can give it to me! I’m not going to hurt anybody! I just want to look at it! I just want to hold and feel the comfort of its potential cold release! I have a Master’s Degree in Journalism! Did you know that? I do! I won an award for best investigative reporting when I was at Columbia because I found out a city councilman was taking bribes to ignore corporate pollution! I don’t do that anymore! I wish I did! I’ve become everything I mocked! The only release is the abyss! I’m coming home to give dap to my boy Jesus!

RE: Your Boyfriend Application

From the Desk of Dana Shepard
Third Seat, Second Row
Mrs. Riddinger’s English Class
Parkway Middle School

Dear Michael:

Regarding your past thirteen inquiries, I appreciate your application for the position of being my boyfriend.

While your promises to “be loyal, no matter what” and “write [me] a poem every day” were tempting, I received many applicants in the courting process and have begun dating another individual whose body is better suited to my newly developed needs.

Thus I will not be offering you the position, but thank you for your interest.

If the need arises for me to contact you in the future about any upcoming openings or study sessions, please be assured I am keeping your note on file and will add you to my AIM buddy list.

Very truly yours,

Dana Shephard

P.S.: Due to the volume of requests I receive, I must ask all future correspondence be addressed to me care of Sally Cohnberg, my BFF.

Cooking with Coolio!

Cheesy, obvious, and over produced.

But goddamn is this funny.

Oh God! Oh God!

Kumail has a joke about the robots not being ready to rebel.

I think they are now.



That's the creepiest robot I've ever seen. The noise brings terror, let alone the fact that it looks like a creature from Silent fucking Hill.

MTA + PSP = HORROR!

So, I babysat for two kids on the subway yesterday.

Let me rephrase that, these two kids got excited when they saw me playing PSP on the subway and their Mom told them to talk to me.

Just like that.

Just talk to that dude.

There could be no bad thing that could come of this, right? You know, she just saw an overweight man in his twenties with a five o’clock shadow playing Castlevania: Dracula X Chronicles (fantastic, by the way, thank you for asking) on the subway at 3 in the afternoon and she thought, "Seems alright."

Or, the more devious option was her seeing me and probably thinking, "Finally, I’ve got a window to lose these assholes. Hey, kids? See that man with the ketchup stain on his Zelda shirt? Why don’t you ask him if he’s got a van or something – Mama needs some time in the no-headache zone."

She literally said, "Go talk to him." Yeah. Go talk to that stranger.

Which, hey - we didn't talk about this first. Before you send your zerglings over to harvest my vespine gas, why don't you fucking ask the other adult if he minds. Because I do. Motherfucking Dracula ain't going to stake himself. Alright?

You think Richter Belmont can do it on his own? Not without these paws he ain't! He's a motherfucking choir boy compared to me.

So she sends them over, and everyone on the subway is now looking at me, and I’m mainly thinking, "Look – hands are on the PSP! No touchie! They came to me!"

And you just... you never think you'll come to a point in your life when you need to refer to yourself as “stranger danger.”

I just imagined this woman getting home and her husband asks, "Hey, honey, where are they kids?"

"Uh, great news! I just pawned them off to some dude, he was playing PSP, the kids got excited, and I thought, you know what, he could probably provide a better home for them. And finally, we can finish watching Pan’s Labyrinth with no interruptions."

Did they enjoy Pan's Labyrinth?

Turn to page 18 if you think they did!

Turn to page 54 if you think they did not!

The Best Deleted Scene Ever

I was watching Terminator 2 while cleaning my place last night, did the whole IMDB / Wikipedia lurch, and came across this deleted scene in Terminator 3 that explained why all the androids looked the way they did.

You won't regret watching this as it's fucking ridiculous in a way that I can't even comprehend. About a minute in is when it gets fantastic.

WOO! IT'S ME!

I Am The PokeMon Trainer

Smash Brothers Brawl is well out of stores now and in my hands. After playing Alex Grubard and Billy T. Kid for three hours on Saturday night, I've realized my character is the new PokeMon trainer.

Why?

Because he's super motherfucking effective. And if you know what that means, goddamnit, you can understand why.

College Humor Bought My Mario Piece

Hey guys, College Humor bought the Mario piece I wrote earlier this week. I toned it down a little, but otherwise it's the same joke.

Read it here! I was paid for it.

I Now Have 15 Lifetime Achievement Points

Last night was pretty, pretty good.

The Shadow of Illness Looms Over Me

I'm definitely getting sick. The only question is when. And also, what disease? And possibly, will I get better? Perhaps there are many questions. The answers to which need many different, um, answers.

Mario's Side of the Whole Princess in Another Castle Issue

World 1

World 2

World 3

World 4

World 5

World 6

World 7

World 8

Rut Day #7

Still rutting in it, comedic style.

Need to climb out!

Amazing Sketch

This sketch is so good, it hurts.

I'm Bored, Comedy Is Hard, Waa-waa-waa.

Gary Gygax - 1938 - 2008

I'm actually pretty bummed that Gary Gygax - the man who invented Dungeons & Dragons - died today. His influence on games - especially video games - was incredible and nothing that I do with my life would be the same without him. From my nerdiness to my comedy (I just made a Dungeons & Dragons joke on 23/6 not five days ago) Gygax is largely behind it.

Heck, one could argue his push on fantasy worlds the resulting novels, television show, and merchandise has had as much effect on the popularity "fantasy" culture as Lord of the Rings or rock music. I would argue more.

Like Gumpei Yokoi, he's one of those guys that no one of my generation really know, but completely owe their interactive entertainment to. He was also on a Futurama episode.

BUT

Because the Internet is filled with nerds and Gary Gygax was a royal nerd and Dungeons & Dragons fans are nerds, there have been an infinite explosion of pretty funny quotes from users on forums, many overlapping. Here are some of the sweetest / most endearing quotes on his death, mostly from the beautiful Reddit:

0 HP

Gary Gygax. Rolling in his Grave.

Did he drop any good loot?

He failed his last saving throw.

WTF? No Raise Dead spell?

He is now one of the Holy Rollers!

I hope you reroll a good character.

Damn, the Vice Presidential Action Rangers are down a man.

Without Gary Gygax, there would be no this:

New 23/6 Blog: What Else Isn't Barack Obama

OMG GR8 23/6 BLOG 4 LOLZ

Click on the image.

It's 1 AM and Todd Barry's New Album is Out Right Now on Itunes and I Bought it Because That's What Normal People Do

Don't question, he's the best comedian in the entire world and I love him, no matter what. He shuns us because we have not earned his gaze.

Passage, Or, Deep Shit

I can't strongly recommend enough that everyone reading this download and play Passage. It's a simple game that won a ton of awards at Indie game festivals. It will run on any computer - literally - because it uses old graphics and sound to emphasize its weird sort of message.

It won't take you more than 8 minutes to finish it, so you have the time.

There's a point about five minutes into playing the game where you go, "Oh, fuck." And just stop your character from moving. It's an extremely powerful event.

Bombed Last Night

I bombed last night at my own show. Time to get over that shit with cooking.