23/6 Blog: Barbie's Dream House is Not in Tehran

This bit has been picked up by 23/6 and the Huffington Post. Jealous?

Grand Theft Auto IV in My Hands

During lunch I grabbed a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV. I think what put me over the top was Ricky Gervais and Katt Williams at a comedy club. Not to mention a number of sites gave it a perfect score.

I picked up the Special Edition of the game:



It comes with a soundtrack selection, safety deposit box (why?), a surprisingly large duffel bag, art book, and keys to said safety deposit box.

I can't play this game until later, obviously. But right now I am listening to the soundtrack CD. Wait - what? A mixture of orchestral movie-style soundtrack and rap? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot they made CDs that catered specifically to my taste in music.

Tonight and tomorrow should be very fun.

Humanity, Please Leave Your Keys with the Landlord

Another day, another robotic addition to the apocalypse. First there was that terrifying jogging headless dog which brings terror seconds before death. Now there's a sky jellyfish robot. Watch:



Remember that scene in Independence Day, when the stripper lady went to the top of the building in L.A. even though Vivica A. Fox was like, "Nah, girl, don't you do that." But she did anyway and when the big ship opened up, she was like "Oh, it's pretty," and then it rained down death?

That's what's happening here.

All I can imagine is these sky jellies scanning the charred remains of the suburbs, looking for human enclaves to report to its headless dog comrades.

Stop, scientists! We get it! You know how to make robots! We're going to fucking die!

Two Shows This Week!

I'm putting on two shows this week. Both should be fun. Here's the info:

Thoughts on the Future

What if aliens don’t like The Wire and buffalo wing-flavored pretzels? That’s the best we have to offer them!

I'm signed up for Netflix Now, Goddamnit.

I didn't want to do this, but I signed up for Netflix. Goddamnit. Are you happy, friends and family who kept telling me to sign up? Are you fucking satisfied? I sure hope you are. Because Seven Samurai is coming tomorrow and so am I.

23/6 Blog: "I Just Saved a Whole Lot of Money on My Gas Prices"

This new 23/6 Blog is sort of stupid. But I wrote it. I am not a good salesman.

At the Intersection of Genius and Insanity

I can only recommend you watch this music video. It says everything I've ever wanted to say.

The Island of Misfit Jokes

In the bathroom at work, there’s a sign that says “Please Report All Leaks to Facilities.” So afterwards I called them up and said, “I did it!”

What’s the difference between my mother and my father? How much they love me!

What did the Hydrogen atom say to the charged Helium atom? I’ve got my ion you!

What’s buried beneath the local golf course? My father won’t tell me!

I got pulled over by a police officer. And I said, “Is there a problem officer?” And he said, “Yes there is, boy. Do you know how fast you were going?” And sadly, for the first time, I didn’t.

Why do women make bad drivers? Because they are responsible for the birth of all drivers, whether they be skilled or not! Oooooh! Crowd’s turning on me now!

What does a gay horse sound like? “Nay!” (Add in gay intonation for live stage effect. Classic.)

Dn’kiel, the Spider Sorcerer on Meeting Women:
Dating’s hard, when you’re made of fucking spiders!

What do the demons in my dreams say to the voices in my head? “Almost there, guys. Almost there.”

How do you get a woman to sleep with you? Date her for a long time and that shit will just take care of itself, son!

Where can you find pink potatoes? In a land bathed in the red light of a dying sun!

What do you get when you mix a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a horse? A well-funded research grant! Hey-yo!

What did the astronaut say to the alien? “Oh fuck! Fuck! Oh Jesus! Fuck! Oh God!”

White people all time travel like this, “Yes: I am indeed looking forward to killing Hitler.” Black people time travel like this, “Aw, yeah, boy, I’m gonna fuck up Hitler!”

This guy knows what I’m talking about - because he is my clone!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
God.
God who?
THE GOD OF MOSES COMMANDS YOU TO OPEN!

How do you confuse a blonde? Force her to read the Federalist Papers, but actually give her the Anti-Federalist Papers! Who said it I said it.

What’s the difference between 9/11 and Pearl Harbor? Everything, you stupid fucks!

Italian Man: What’s a-matter?
Second Italian Man: It’s a-what-a every-a thing-a is-a made of, like atoms and-a stuff!

They say dress for the job you want – that’s why I showed up to work in a tuxedo with a wax mask of my face. Because I wish I were dead! As my job! If one could be paid to be so! What a useless payment that would be! What a crazy world we live in! I exclaim all things which I say!

SHE GAINED A YARD!

Holy shit! After you do all the math, Hillary Clinton gained 14 whole delegates against Obama yesterday after spending six grueling weeks trying to make her opponent out to be Hitler! YES! It was so totally worth tearing the nation apart for! I'm sure glad she made people question whether or not Barack was linked with Socko and Vanzetti!

YES!

MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS!





WE CAN ALL REST EASY NOW THAT ALL IS WON!

The Attractiveness of Rules

In my last post, I mentioned Cassidy's Magic: The Gathering card. It's been a little project I've been working on to create cards for the people I know. So far it's been mostly comedians. I think I'm working on the project mainly because (a) it's fun and (b) I love games with sets of rules and (c) who doesn't want to have Trample and Flying?

There's something attractive about summing something up in a brief little card form. It's completely nerdy - at that crossroads of nerdy, philosophical, and mathematical, which, I suppose, just means nerdy - in trying to create the platonic type of the person in card form.

It's also fun.

I've missed playing collectible card games recently. I haven't mainly because when I played as a kid, players at my school were pretty much equally constrained by money and time. But playing against adults mean you either bring your A-game or go home crying.

I suppose creating a special set is sort of a way to relive those days as well as exercise my creative muscle without worrying about impressing anyone.

Here are some cards I've made. Yes, I know this is relatively pathetic.

It's 6 p.m. and Wonderful

Since Sunday or so my allergies have been raging, so today I decided to skip going out and just head home after work.

And, man, I'm glad I did. Today is absolutely gorgeous out. Birds are chirping, people are walking and talking, people are mowing their lawns. Mowing their lawns! I usually get home so late, my role in the world is to inadvertently cause panic to a woman who's walking in the same direction I am.

Perhaps the Spring day is a sort of bourgeois construction but goddamn, what a construction. Mowing their lawns!

Although I'm still very quite sick, I am going to try to clear my mind a bit. I've been far too stressed recently over both work, freelance writing, and stand-up. I know I'll end up getting some work done on Writer's Room, Team Rocket, and Off Topic. But at least I'm home resting.

By the way, here's Cassidy's magic card:

Please Keep Watching This

This dialogue / story path from the game Shenmue is absolutely perfect.



None of this is redubbed.

Smoke Clearing...

Oh man oh man oh man. I bombed tonight. Golly. Everyone else did great, but whew. I bombed so hard the children in the town are going to start developing deformities. Jesus Fucking Christ. What a Three Mile Island that show was. Godmotherfuckingzilla should arise from the ashes of that epic implosion. The crowd hated me. They loved everyone so much, when I got on stage, they stared at me like I had just Rickrolled them. And, baby, they did not want some Rick Astley in their business tree.

Mark Normand, cleaning up the stage after my set.

Mark and Alex were right that I chose the wrong jokes. But it's disheartening when the jokes with the hardest laughs are the hackiest ones in the set.

The good news is, I tried to apologize to many people as possible before I left. I think I did a good job of that. I'm good at apologizing. I'm sorry. See? Fucking smooth like brandy. The singer. Is she the one that killed a guy while driving? I think so. Oh man. Awkward.

Seeing Failure from a Distance

DC vs. Mortal Kombat.



DC vs. Mortal Kombat.

Here's the thing. There's going to be no fatalities and very little blood. So you're basically taking away the only thing that made Mortal Kombat popular. Mortal Kombat was popular in the '90s because it was the first ultra-violent game. Sure, the game was pretty fun in and of itself, but it's bombastic violence was what made people take notice.

Great. Here's the thing - I don't want to see Sub-Zero rip Superman's spine out of his body. I don't. But nor do I want to play a game where that option was purposefully taken out of its rightful context because that's what the license requires.

Oh, and because none of the Mortal Kombat characters are really super outside of the stray magic spell (remember, they can literally die), they're also tuning down the power of heroes such as Superman.

Hey. Let's forget this probably debacle and remember Marvel vs. Capcom, one of the best fighting games of all time that embraced each series' strong suits rather than turn them down.

New York ComicCon Blog: Day 1

There's an hour and twenty minutes until they open the doors for regular goers and I'm choking on Triple Espresso gelato. There's some sort of rocky, chipping thing in here which is burning my throat on the way down.

Well.

Already things are somewhat hectic. I came with Jon Clarke. I met up with Ed Murray and Lance (who runs this show) an hour ago. I received a Staff T-Shirt. I'm not staff, per se, but I will cherish having it more than is likely healthy. Alex Grubard is coming late.

Ed Murray.

I also ran into Pat Driscoll and the Black20 folks. As I talked to Pat, I could tell that a few of his friends didn't know me and were a motherfucking hair's width away from turning on the camera and editing me down into absurdity.

Spoke with Matt Little a few minutes ago and I'm now doing two shows tonight: an early sort of run-through comedy show at 4:00 p.m. and the real, big one at 7:00. They're both on what's called the Variant Stage, and I need to actually find out where that is.

Ed just bought a burger.

Here's the last thing right now: the convention space is being shared with a much smaller showing by the City University of New York presenting a job fair. You've never seen the odd Mexican stand-off between fat people wearing Nightwing costumes and terrified college students wearing three-piece suits.

Later That Day:

Just did my first set. Small crowd, but it was alright. Sort of working the three or four people hanging out. It was fun, though. Did some older jokes I haven't done in a while. It's weird hearing “Army Strong, Army Smash” reverberate through the Javits Center, likely annoying people pushing small-press comic books.

Matt Little and Bane hosted the event and it was super effective.

I used a Batman joke I haven't used in nearly a year. How did I do? Alright, I think. Working it. Working it. Working it. Trying my best. Working it. Working it. Oh God. Working it. Working it. Help me. Working it. Working it. I miss the love of a woman inside me. Working it. Working it. Working it.

Also, I now have a performer's pass. Suck it, jackasses.

Civilization Revolutions looks and plays amazing.

It's Civilization.

I suggest you research Pottery.

Later that Night:

I’m home now. I did my last set and it went great. There were some guys from Wizard in the audience and they really enjoyed my set, which feels very, very, very relieving. For some reason, I wanted the guys from Wizard to like me a lot. But I did well and much later that night, two guys came up to me on the street and told me they enjoyed the set. Bonus!

I can’t stress enough how thankful I am to Ed Murray, Lance, and Matt Little for getting me into and giving me things to do in the show.

Ending Coming:

Here’s What I Bought:

Colon:

1 Large Super Mario Plastic Statue

1 Large Goomba Plastic Statue

1 World of Warcraft Starter Deck

1 Batman vs. Joker VS. Card Set

1 Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus VS. Card Set

1 Magic: The Gathering Deck (my first in perhaps a decade)

1 Comic Book Legal Defense Fund T-shirt

1 Plush Red Mushroom (To Make You Grow Larger)

1 Plush Green Mushroom (To Make You Live Longer)

1 Duncan Yo-Yo

1 After School Agent Comic Book

G’night.

Let Me Repeat That

Tonight's the stand-up show at the New York Comic Con. The exclamation points on this are real.

Matt Little's Nerdcore Comedy @ NYCC
Friday, April 18
7:10 PM
Jacob Javits Center

Featuring sketches from:
Elephant Larry!
A Week of Kindness!
Fat Penguin!

and stand-up from:
Will Hines!
Dave Kinney!
Mike Drucker!

A Paid 23/6 Bit I Wrote at the Laundromat

Yesterday was supposed to be a lot more laid back. I hit the gym and planned on doing some laundry while getting my Mass Effect on.

However, a pitch I sent in for a debate piece got approved, so I had to work the little Asus Eee PC to the bone. But the results, I think, are pretty funny.

Note, this was written before the debate, so I didn't know the debate was going to turn into a godawful clusterfuck.

By the way: yes there is a video game joke in here.

I'm Performing at the NY ComicCon

This is the most excited I've been since right at this moment. I just got the final official word about (ellipses comma colon)

Matt Little's Nerdcore Comedy @ NYCC
Friday, April 18
7:10 PM
Jacob Javits Center

Featuring sketches from:
Elephant Larry!
A Week of Kindness!
Fat Penguin!

and stand-up from:
Will Hines!
Dave Kinney!
Mike Drucker!


COME OR DO NOT COME! MY VAST MIND DOES NOT DISTINGUISH QUANTITIES OF MORTALS!

God of War: Chains of Olympus Review: The Best 15 Minutes of My Life

I realize most of you don't play games, but don't worry. Chains of Olympus is hardly a game so much as a quick God of War demo for the PSP. You get to fight a few things, watch a movie, and then see credits!

This game is exactly like meeting a girl, going on exactly one date, and then getting a text message from her saying you're through. Wait? We're through? We haven't even started something to be through yet.

I won't ruin the story for you but Kratos is angry about something. The end.

The Most Masculine Name Ever!

For a long time, like most fans of men, I thought Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster had most masculine name ever.

But recently, it came to my attention that THERE IS A NEW CHALLENGER!

Born 1773 died July 7th, 1826, everybody please give it up for:

SIR MANLEY POWER!*

*Exclamation point mine.

Daniel's Incest Article

Someone suggested my brother write an article for his school paper. And he was like, “I don’t really want to do this” and we talked about it, and I was like, “Just make fun of school papers. Because school papers are always about keeping an open mind and diversity.” And he said, “Why I don’t I write an article that’s pro-incest?”

And I said, “Perfect!”

So, he writes this article and it’s really funny and he sends it in. Doesn’t hear back from the newspaper for weeks.

He thinks they read it and clearly aren’t going to publish it because it’s about incest.

But it’s not done. Instead they edited the article and turned it from satire into advocacy.

And everyone read it.

In fact, if you go onto that webpage and look at the most recently commented stories on the webpage, it says, like, “Why we should have heart defribilators in the hallways (1 comment.)” “Music students put on a Mimai-style opera. (3 comments.) “Keeping an open mind about incest 17 comments.”

And this is a newspaper that isn’t even read by the people who write for it.

What’s even funnier is that same day it was published, he got an email from this Honor Council he had applied for and they were like, “Sorry, we have to reject your application.” And he was like, “Is this because of the incest thing?”

And then got an email from a Congressman he had applied to work for during the summer, and it was like, “Sorry, we are rejecting your application.”

He’s like, “Did everyone read it?”

And then he got an email from the University of Miami Academic Ambassadors that was like, “Welcome aboard, brother!”

And he said, “Well, I hope they didn’t read it.”

And here’s the thing it has his photo and name on it. And it’s so widespreed that he went to school dining hall and one of the students serving him said, “Hey, you’re the incest kid.”

I’m proud of him.

A Hillary Clinton Passover

I wrote this incredibly stupid joke for 23/6. It's very obvious and terribly written. You certainly won't enjoy it.

Read this if you hate yourself.

By the way - I bought fruit today! Yum, yum.

Two Things From Me, One Not

I wrote this six sentence story, We Were All 16 Once for the Six Sentences blog.

I also co-wrote and played Croc (with some electric help) in Jon Clarke's newest animation.



I'm proud of the "I am calm" line.

Also, this isn't by me. But it makes me happy.



Charlie Todd was my teacher at UCB.

Falling Asleep at the Wheel

-License and registration, please?
-Is there a problem officer?
-Son, you could say that the whole world is a Rubik's cube to me. Kids killing each other other shoes, famous people showing no remorse for their sinful ways, and politicians willing to hurt innocent people to get kick backs from corporations that already have enough money. Maybe it's when people stopped reading the Bible or maybe it's when my generation decided it had done enough - I don't know. I died inside long ago when the emotional razors in my wife's vagina shaved my pencil down to the nub, metaphorically speaking of course. My daughter died a long time ago for real - not inside, although also that, I suppose - by her own hand and I never had a son, which the other boys at the precinct love bringing up. "Look at Sergeant Rhodes. He may be Sergeant, but he's got empty balls!" they say. Well my balls aren't empty, goddamnit. They're overspilling with love and I've got no one to give it to! Do you know what that's like? Being full of a gift and having no one to take it from you? Jesus in Heaven and Hell, it makes me hurt to think about it. What happened to root beer floats and girls in poodle skirts. Did they ever exist? And if they did, were they ever as good as Happy Days made them seem?
-Is there a problem with my driving?
-No, no, no. You just seemed like you might understa... nevermind. You have a good day, sir. Here's fifty dollars. Buy yourself something to stave off the encroaching darkness. Someday when your own personal disappointments rise up like a Lovecraftian gods from the depths of your being, I'm sure it will be real nice that you have a Big Mouth Billy Bass in your office.
-Thank you, sir.
-No, thank you, son.
-No, thank you, sir.
-No, thank you, son.
-No, thank you, sir.
-No, thank you, son.
Infinite loop.
Officer dies of hunger.
Citizen dies of thirst.
The world around them grows and changes. Nature someday claims the bodies of the officer and the citizen. Their clothes are not biodegradable, however. And the remains of them are someday found by the Bee People who evolve after we do not learn of our flaws.
UPDATE:
All bees are dying. Fuck. Let's say the Ant People. Those fucks are pretty resilient, eh, guys?
UPDATE:
If the officer died first, wouldn't the citizen's infinite loop be broken by the change in parameters? No, because he's very, very polite.

My Laughter Comes from an Innocent Place

This Mega64 sketch is hilarious. It's based on the game "Rainbow Six: Vegas" in which terrorists invade Las Vegas.



If you don't know, Mega64 is a sketch-group that only does sketches based on video games.

They Do Make Games for Me

I found the Marvel Trading Card Game in the clearance isle of a Monmouth County Toys ‘R Us. I say “isle” rather than “aisle” because it was a barren wasteland of Dora the Explorer GBA titles and racist racing games.

This is a game specifically made for me. I can see why no one wanted it and it landed in the misfit toys aisle next to unsold PokeMon rip-offs. But it is a game specifically made for me.

It is a collectible trading card game in video game form staring superheroes and requiring good math skills for strategy. And oh my God is it good. It’s like the first time you discovered a sexual fetish and you thought, “Finally, I understand what I was missing.”

The interface is clunky, the sound is repetitive, and the enemy A.I. jumps between being far too easy and an impossible cheater. But oh....

When I pulled out my 2/2 H.E.R.B.I.E. card and gave him Blade’s sword in order to beat Kang the Conqueror’s Army and cause extra damage to the other player, I was born again.

Born again prouder, happier, stronger.

And I don’t know if I can go back to the way I was before.

By the way, although it's all represented by still images, the thought of the Fantastic Four's pet robot wielding a sword meant to kill the undead and beating the shit out of time-traveling armies is a happy one.

The New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival Closing Thoughts

I know I was supposed to write this yesterday, but I spent the entire day exploring the city.

The festival is now over. The roast of local comedian Bill Dykes came and went, although I didn't attend it because I only met Bill at the start of the festival and didn't spend enough time with him on or off stage to feel comfortable hearing him jovially lambasted for this or that. Zach tells me it went well and I will take his word for it.

The festival itself was an amazing success. As Adam Newman has pointed out elsewhere, Wednesday was a little difficult and then the festival rocketed away from there. It was good to meet a lot of the L.A., New Orleans, and Austin guys, although I wish I had been a tad more social. It's simply in my nature to hit museums and aquariums rather than drink. I know that's a bit geeky but where there's a jellyfish tank, I will be there.

The La Nuit Theater is a really neat little place unlike what you find in New York. Although it's about the size and seating capacity of Rififi, it feels a lot more open. Almost like you had brought chairs into and built a stage in your parents' living room. This might just feel that way because the walls are freshly painted, but it made the whole room extremely comfortable.

And I've got to say, entering from a back door leading to an apartment building stairwell was the sauce on my spaghetti.

I am looking forward to being back home in New York, however. I've missed my friends and I wonder how Writers Room went without me panicking and running around in terrified circles. Yes, the circles are terrified. According to Jon Clarke's blog, however, it went extraordinarily well. Which does, then, make me think I'm the one who keeps these things from progressing.

I'm also oddly looking forward to being back at my job. I'm lucky enough where, at the moment, I have a job in which my bosses require my knowledge about video games to do their job. It's a job I don't want to lose since, next to comedy, playing video games is what I do.

So this is the end of the New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival. Thanks to Sean Patton for throwing this thing together and bringing us dorks into the ring to make a new audience laugh.

New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival - Day 4

I imagine a crawfish boil was reverse engineered from a skilled painter's view of Hell. He painted a group of sinners writhing in a metal cage as it was lowered into boiling oil. Burnt unbelievers are then torn apart by demons who eat their organs and discard the remains.

A fisherman saw this painting and said, “Oh snap! Let's do that with crustaceans.”

Mark Normand, Sean Patton, Timmy Williams, and Shawn Pearlman feast on the flesh of the living (prior to horrific boiling).

And so they did. And so they did.

Oh God! Oh God!

The boil itself was a lot of fun. I think the majority of the time was spent talking to Zach Sims who, apparently, is skilled in many ways of the world when it comes to crawfish and cigars. He also had a great set.

I think Sean Patton's highlight was tossing me a football. I'm not really known for being physical person, so when I started playing, I was let in more for the novelty of it. Neal Stastny wasn't really defending me that well and, I believe, this was some sort of moment akin to the oft-told high school allowing the mentally challenged student to run for a touchdown that doesn't count.

Still – I got a touchdown!

The shows were fantastic. Both were sold out and the second show – which I was on – was so packed that comedians weren't allowed in the space to watch. It was pretty rough. The line-up on both are great and talking about who killed is difficult because, honestly, it seems everyone did. This isn't bragging as much as a testament to folks like Sean Patton, Roger Hailes, Zach Sims, Timmy Williams, Mark Normand, J.Fod, and the rest.

I did really well, I think.

I got four applause breaks, but one bit I did could have done better.

The most awkward killing set I've ever had.

Naturally, that one bit was the toenail in my oatmeal and R.G. Daniels had to talk me down off the roof, figuratively speaking.

I'm feeling better after a shower and a bit of a breather. I think I have a tendency to speak aloud my insecurities more than most comedians. Some people call it fishing for compliments, although I think of it more as giving my ego a burial at sea and finding fishes like to eat at it.

It's late; my metaphors aren't going to be wonderful.

Mark Normand and Zach Sims semi-mocked me for not being completely happy with basically killing compared to completely killing. I like those guys.

But so this is the technical semi-end of the festival. Eight comedians and I closed out the stand-up showcases and Cassidy fucking knocked it out with his character show. Tomorrow is a roast of a local comic, but it's more of a personal event I've been told. Not sure if I'll go, if even to just have a day to really feel things out and sleep in and just relax.

Tomorrow I'll try to write a final, less self-indulgent summary of the whole thing with some closing thoughts. If you're reading this, I miss you. That's not some bullshit sarcastic ending. Rather, I know the statistics and I have a basic idea of who goes through these things. And you're wonderful and unique, Insert Your Name.

New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival - Day 3

It was Eric Andre's birthday. Holy shit. The audience at the first show, which skewed a lot older than the first two nights, went between loving him and being completely terrified of him. Eric Andre is like a motherfucking Final Fantasy summon – he will fuck your enemies' shit up in a blaze of glory. He also had a number of dollar bills pinned to his chest which is, apparently, the thing here.

The La Nuit Theater, home to the New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival

Tonights shows were packed and everyone did amazingly well. I didn't get on – two shows each, folks, two shows each – but it was delightful to see folks bring down the house. Vince Averill has to leave tomorrow and did a completely different set tonight, something that both amazes me and makes me terrified of my own set tomorrow.

Drucker's only got three good jokes, baby. And one of them sucks.

As I typed this, an ad for Intervention came on with a girl falling against walls and the copy said, “She says it's a joke.” (beat) “But no one's laughing.” That's my comedy.

I am nervous about tomorrow because everyone's doing so well. I'm on a fucking powerhouse show tomorrow at 10 p.m. It's the last straight-forward stand-up show of the festival. It's got Sean Patton, John F. O'Donnell, Timmy Williams, and more. I'm included on that list. Am I bragging or am I terrified? I think sometimes those emotional outputs come in pairs.

NOTES:

Got sunburned at the Zoo. It's a great zoo but a terrible, terrible sun.

Charlie Kasov and I now know the family and subfamily of Bears.

Mark Normand licked my neck for a minute.

Name drop name drop name drop name drop name drop name drop name drop name drop name drop.

A lot of comedians are desperately trying to get laid here. I'm thinking they're getting a .500 batting average. But then again, I don't know how these things work.

New Orleans Comedy Festival – Day 2

Mark Normand, Sean O'Connor, and Sean Patton rocked the festival tonight, along with all the others. I got on stage and modestly did jokes. Did you know Amazon.com is funny? I did. Hack! Go back to Florida, jerk-off! Boo! Boo! No one wants your kind here, fatty! What's the deal with bad comedians? They get all up in our city and bring tears and the gnashing of teeth to our fair city. This guy knows what I'm talking about, because this guy is Mike Drucker and he is the example of what we're saying in this previous bit.

This is what bombing looks like as a still photo.
It's also what killing looks like.
Which did I do?
That's up to your imagination!

I did alright, if I do say so myself.

Today's big event, however, was going to the Asian Super Buffet. It's right next door to the Golden Corral Buffet and, I must say, the Golden Corral Buffet is shitting its pants. Nerds! The Asian Super Buffet lives up to each fucking word in its name. It's Asian (the waitress are all genuine Asian women, the food resembles fried dumplings and sushi, and the music is probably Chinese pop-music). It's Super (delicious!). And it's a Buffet (all you can eat in a rowed manner of which there is no healthy food).

We consisted of Ross Hyzer, his girlfriend Celine, Danny Solomon, my new friend Dane, Zach “The Greatest Generation” Sims, and Mark Normand.

After that, we reshot my segment for the documentary at the Holocaust memorial. I would say that I was pretty funny on camera.

It was Danny Solomon's birthday, so we got him some hand grenade drinks.

A lot of the drinking portions of New Orleans resemble to me a weird version of Disney's “Main Street U.S.A.” It's beautiful and fun to walk down, but every window says “Ice-Cream!” instead of “Food” or “Mail” or “Hospital” as most actual Main Streets have.

I also thought this: I would much, much, much enjoy any city known for its deserts rather than its alcoholic drinks. Anyone who tells me an alcoholic drink is better than a nice cake is either lying or, no, just lying. Don't lie to me. Please. There's enough suffering in the world already without you telling me that cake isn't what would be perfect right now.

Then again, historically it should probably be the other way around since Walt Disney World came at least fifteen years after New Orleans was founded by Christopher Columbus on his way to Atlantis.

I'm so tired, guys. I'm so tired.

New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival - Day 1

Who the hell wrote X-Men 3? I mean, the first two X-Men films weren't perfect by any means, but the entire movie sounds as if it were written by a twelve-year-old. “I don't need to be a psychic to know that you're upset.” Jesus. Superhero films are always written as if superheroes just talk about their own powers. In reality, superheroes would talk about the powers of other heroes and the drama that had occurred in super groups. They'd mistake little mistakes for terrible social slights and begin hating each other over time.

That's on in the background.

Oh snap this lionfish funna gets you shit poisoned, son.

The first official day of the NOCAF has come and gone. Well, I may add. Today we went to the Aquarium and saw an IMAX film about prehistoric sea monsters. How was it, you ask? In 3D, is my reply. In three motherfucking dimensions of sight and sound. There were Jellyfish in the aquarium. Why did I capitalized “Jellyfish?” Because they're better than you and exist in a branch of evolution that amazes me.

Ross Hyzer and Danny Solomon also shot my part of the documentary about embarassing jokes in front of the Holocaust memorial. I think my joke was pretty good – at the very least, it's bearably short. They might need to reshoot it because of the background noise such as steamers on the river and a police officer on a golf cart who kept checking us out to see whether or not he should ask for our permit.

My goddamn elbow was constantly in the way.

Okay.

After that, we waited for Neal Statsny to pick us up on Canal street – a problem because a production company was working on an action film and routinely shutting off intersections to shoot a scene in which a streetcar pushes a sports car while an action hero grapples on the side. We saw it shot twice.

The first show itself went well. Recounting a play-by-play would not do it justice. Although I must note that Roger Hailes' interesting substitution for another comedian was altogether hilarious and Adam Newman did a wonderful job of opening the entire festival. Sean Patton's parents – capable of breeding children who are either unbelievably hilarious or pursue advanced degrees in physics – made us a delicious meal.

Tomorrow I perform. So far this has been great. We also get free PBRs because they're co-sponsoring the festival. If you drink a lot, that's a wonderful thing. If you don't, there's also free bottled water. I tipped after getting a free beer and the bartender / club owner responded in surprise. Are not such things customary? I believe so.

Notes:

Sean O'Connor has a very distinct laugh.

Sam Brown already knew my Xbox Live tag, which is oddly flattering.

Jean Grey is the only class five mutant I have ever encountered meaning her potential is nearly oh Jesus I was trained as a Shakespearean actor and I'm actually speaking this shit aloud as if I thought it was a good idea to do so this is probably career suicide and I wish someone would have told me that taking a part on some Star Trek show would lead me to become a semi-respected voice actor and science fiction star and maybe then I would have said, no Patrick, no, just stick with the theatre and everything will be alright oh God I'm being told to speak this by the guy who thought it would be funny if a Def Jam comic didn't understand what a Chinese man was saying about a kidnapping situation.

New Orleans Comedy Arts Festival - Day 0

It's now 5 p.m., Eastern Standard Time. I'm in the air over clouds and some scattered cities. It's actually quite nice outside, although I've been asked to keep the shade shut for sensitive eyes. It's too bright out to see the in-flight movie and, I must admit, having the window seat with the window open does let the light reflect off the dust on my glasses. This makes for a horrifyingly frustrating reading, video gaming, typing, and/or living experience.

I've been reading “Mother Jones” for the past hour and a half. Articles about the housing crisis and torture, that sort of thing. I've just discovered “Mother Jones.” My well-read friends are shocked by this fact as if I had just discovered what the little knob in the bathtub does. Really? I can get water from above or below? Why didn't someone tell me inventions such as these existed?

Nevertheless, I can only read it for so long before I need to shut it for sensitive eyes. I find the stories groundbreaking and heartbreaking, but even more so because the editor's opening letter is quite right – it's hard to make people care about anything their mind is already made up on.

As the flight attendant who looks like Chyna's little sister (same austere face with almost sarcastically applied make-up, much smaller build) gives me peanuts, I realize my mind is made up on hating peanuts. No publication will make me think otherwise. They're too salty.

Maybe terrorists are also very salty. I could see hating a people I've never known if my superior officers told me how salty they were. But if I were a deer, I'd find them even more attractive. The two secrets I would hide from my superior officers would be that I'm attracted to terrorists and that I am a deer. Those two facts can ruin any man's chances at making Sergeant.

Neal Stastny is picking my flying party up from the airport. He is a hilarious man.

***

Just got back from Franky's and Johnny's. Neal brought us. Good food. I hate a giant fried catfish. I just re-read that last sentence and realized I put “hate” instead of “ate.” But fuck it – if you're willing to ingest a thing, you must have some level of disdain for it. People don't not eat dogs because of the lack of nutritional value. Hey now!

I am indeed fat, and that will stay so for some time.

I am now checked in now at a near-French Quarter hotel. The bed is very large and very, very soft. Outside the window is a oddly appealing view of what I believe is St. Charles Ave. I may very well be wrong.

Tomorrow the festival begins. I hear there's also an open-mic worth hitting.