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I'm trying to figure out comedy. Please help me.

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An Old Time Comedian Tells a Joke for Comedians

Marriage is rough! My first wife and I owned a comedy club together. When we got divorced, she got the comedy club and I got the light.

Thank you. Tip your waitress.

New 23/6 Blog: What Hillary Clinton Could Do

This image says it all:

Also, you can click it to see the full article.

Potatoes

A group of neighborhood kids pretending to dig for treasure discover my father has been planting potatoes. At first they keep it to themselves, only telling their most trusted friends. Eventually it comes back to me and I deny it. “I think I would know if that were going on,” I say. When I get home I walk into the backyard to check for any unusual plants. I easily find the potatoes and quickly bury them, deeper than before. I wash my hands with the garden hose and cut my fingernails where the dirt has gone too deep. That night I pull out a plastic rosary and pray to God that it wasn’t my father who planted them; it was the family who lived here before us or some bandit. I wake up to hear my parents arguing. Someone told someone told someone that my father had a whole yard of potatoes. And now that everyone knows, my mother is taking whatever she can carry. On her way out, she rustles my hair and gives me a reluctant hug. I beg her to take me with her.

Hours later, I yell at my father. I call him the names I’d saved up over the years for the big fight I wanted to win. He just looks down and pretends to read his sporting magazine. Then he shows me his gloves and we get ready for the harvest.

Automaton

The robot I’ve been having sex with has another hard drive crash. I feed a disc into the base of its neck and its metal chest heaves as the program for realistic breathing is replaced. I go into the kitchen to make breakfast for the two of us. I sit down and begin eating my eggs. Eventually the robot comes out and sits down in the chair across from me. Its LED lights blink once or twice. I clear the awkwardness by telling it my name and user identification number. It wirelessly connects to the server to retrieve more information about me. As it does, its lights begin to blink faster. The robot chuckles, and then begins laughing uncontrollably. It asks, “That’s what you’re into?” I shrug and start giggling myself.

The Music Virgin: Appetite for Destruction

I'm hoping this bit turns into a longer feature.

Basically, I listen to a classic album for the first time and write out my thoughts.

I hope you have a good time.

What's Hillary Been Reading?

"You're a fucking choir boy compared to me!"
- Hillary Clinton

"I said put your goddamn mouth on the fucking curb!"
-Hillary Clinton

"I'm a reader."
-Hillary Clinton

Uh-oh! Things just got a whole lot more interesting!

Apparently Weezer Understand the Internet

I wasn't a big Weezer fan, but I think I might be now. At least they understand the Internet better than most musicians.

New Civilization Wonder Video

The best part of any Civilization game isn't the amassing of massive armies or diplomatic go-arounds. Rather it's clearly the Wonder Videos. And for all that, since I've been sick in my home for a week, here is this:



I would research it as soon as possible.

One 23/6 Story, One Black 20 Bit

One of these stories is for the money, the other's for the funny.

Which is which?

Don't judge me for what I do for cash. Times is hard, times is hard.

It Took Time to Figure Out

Yeah, girl. Take it all off. What are you wearing? I'm sorry, let me put this to my ear. Okay. Can you hear me? Wait, let me put it back to my mouth. Alright. In five seconds, tell me what you're taking off. Okay? Go. Oh, Beatrice! You are naughty! Wait. Can you hear me? Oh, Beatrice! You are naughty! My word!

After You Leave Silent Hill, How About Locking the Door Behind You?

I used to be a big fan of Silent Hill. The type of big nerd for the series that's played by some b-list former TV star in a Judd Apatow film. But reading the new preview for Silent Hill: Homecoming isn't keeping my excitement up. The series just isn't scary anymore.

Mr. Potter? I reconsidered, and George Bailey is your man! Mr. Potter?

First of all, the mystery of the first few games is gone. We know what's going to happen. A guy wanders in looking for his wife or he lost his wallet or something. And then - whoa! Zombie Boob Nurses!

At first the whole busty dead lady thing was creepy. Now it comes off as somewhat cheesy. And here's the other problem the series has run into: if there weren't any Nurse Zombie Boobs, the fans would be livid. The Boob Zombie Nurse is now one of the highlights of the series. As is Pyramid Head, whose photo I'm not going to show because someone might Cosplay it for the thirtieth fucking time.

When horror films devolve into fan service, you lose all fright. Horror involves not knowing what's coming next. That's why it's creepy and scary. If you know what's around the corner, it may be macabre, or it may be "disturbing," but it isn't particularly scary or tense.

I mean, if you saw the movie of Silent Hill and hadn't played the game, you might've seen a weird hodge-podge of creatures that made no sense together. Well, in the first three games, the creatures made sense. But after that, in the games and the movie, Konami decided to just toss as many fuckers together as they could in hopes of selling XXL t-shirts and fifty-dollar action figures.

You know what would blow my mind in a Silent Hill game? If some lonely guy went to the city in search of his lost brother or something and just had a really pleasant time. Like he met a cute waitress who understood what he was going through and they got to know each other and hung out at the lake with no strings attached. And he just really had a cool, relaxing time. And he didn't find his brother, but he did find something just as important: friendship.

That would blow my mind to next week.

Tonight!

Off Topic Comedy



Thursday, May 15th

8:00 p.m.

Free

At the Creek and the Cave
Directions

Guests this Week:

Eric Andre (Live at Gotham)
Brooke van Poppelen (VH1)
Will Hines (UCB)
Roger Hailes (Live at Gotham)

Hosted by Mike Drucker and John Knefel

Exclamation Point!

Neil Made Me Laugh Very Hard

I know this is years old, but I haven't seen it before and Neil described this video to me and it made me laugh very hard.

I can only imagine she read the story and in the back of her head, she was like, "Don't call this dude gay. Don't call this dude gay. Please don't." And then she did.

The Venn Diagram of Douchebags and Nerds

Really?

A Metal Gear Solid Bluetooth headset?

Is that what the public wants?

Let's break it down.

Bluetooth Headsets are worn by one type of person.

This guy.

This guy wears a Bluetooth headset. Why? Because he's an asshole. Because it allows him to hold a coffee and type on a Macbook Air at the same time. He wears it because he thinks it makes him look hip and in the game.

Now look at the Metal Gear headset again.

He's not going to wear that. Why? Because it looks like it's a shitty prop worn by Michael Biehn in The Terminator flashback sequences. No one would actually wear this while pitching an ad for Lavitra. It would make them seem out of the game! Not on top of things. This is too far outside of the box!

This headset is for one person:

It took me a long time to find the right Google Image. Be grateful.

Drucker Radio: May 21st (10-11 p.m. EST)

Daniel Drucker returns Wednesday, May 21st (10-11 p.m. EST) to host another segment of the critically acclaimed "Drucker Radio." Joining him in the booth/on the phone is Alex Bernstein, a cool gentleman with a painstakingly good personality who's constantly on point.



Be sure to tune in for a surprise special guest! It could be anybody, perhaps even YOU!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dandrucker/2008/05/22/Drucker-Radio

Rubberbanding and ComedySmack

This has been a tough week or two for a number of reasons. One, I'm getting sick again. I'm beginning to think it's somewhat stress related (both day and night job). So I'm trying to hide out and relax a bit more.

On the side of good news, I've been featured again on ComedySmack.

Also, there's this to cheer me up:

New 23/6 Blog: Hillary's in Ballpark Range

This new 23/6 Blog is about our soon to be not in the news anymore friend Hillary.

This Thursday!

Off Topic Comedy



Thursday, May 15th

8:00 p.m.

Free

At the Creek and the Cave
Directions

Guests this Week:

Eric Andre (Live at Gotham)
Brooke van Poppelen (VH1)
Will Hines (UCB)
Roger Hailes (Live at Gotham)

Hosted by Mike Drucker and John Knefel

Based on What Makes Me Laugh, I'm Twelve

This headline made me giggle like I was being tickled by you, the reader.

Oh God! The Typos in This Piece!

I wrote an FAQ for 23/6 about Israel's 60th Birthday. But there's a typo!

DAMN YOU, TYPO!

I'm Not Good at All Games

I had to test a Family Feud game today.

I didn't do well.

Be a Super Hero

Since Iron Man: The Movie was incredible and since Iron Man: The Game sucks incredibly hard, I thought I'd do a little bit of digging and list the best games to pretend to be a superhero.

5. Comix Zone

Although the mid-'90s attitude is a bit much to swallow, this game has an incredible comic book feeling. Of course, this is mainly due to the game literally taking place on a comic book page. The main character can only be a superhero at certain points in the game, making it all the more special. It's not perfect, and it's incredibly difficult, but this is still one of the best comic book-themed games to date.

4. Spider-Man 2

Treyarch basically stole the ideas which made Grand Theft Auto III so successful (go anywhere, do anything) and applied it to Spider-Man. Since Spider-Man relies on swinging webs to move, this makes traveling and exploring all the more fun. Playing at your own pace the way you want, either doing missions or saving individuals, makes for some a really immersing experience.

3. City of Heroes / City of Villains

Create a superhero. Create a super villain. Make a team. Fight.

At the start, City of Heroes was filled with bad Wolverine and Batman clones. But more people played, the more they got creative with the heroes they created. Eventually you saw people from around the world creating interesting and exciting characters. Like most MMORPGs, the fun came when you fought alongside your friends. One of my best game memories came when me and four Florida friends sat in a room and cleared the sewers of villains using our combined powers.

I was a superhero named The Goalie who could absorb damage away from other characters and heal. It was a good fucking time.

2. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance

You can play as Luke Cage.

1. Freedom Force / Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich

I love Freedom Force. From the Jack Kirby-inspired art to the Golden Age innocence of the story to the character-customization and creation abilities, Freedom Force and its sequel Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich is perfect. The game is so well put together, so clear in its focus, it's hard to believe it didn't become more of a hit. The game itself plays like a mixture of Marvel Ultimate Alliance and X-Com: UFO Defense. It's strategic, but action-oriented.

Plus, it has Man-Bot.

Oooooooo, Man-Bot.

Let's just say our boy Man-Bot will save both your team's ass and the day.

Black 20 Piece: IMDB Goofs for Your Last Girlfriend

I'm not bitter regarding this piece, am I?

However, it should be funny. Go ahead. Click the link.

Time Out NY Joke of the Week

Hey guys, I'm Time Out New York's Joke of the Week. It's also in print, which I'll scan another time.