Scientists Literally Find The World's Oldest Joke

The joke is from 1900 BC and Sumerian.

The joke is: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

Aw, no! Aw, no! He said what I'm thinking!

We've all been there, though! Am I right, fella's? You get a young wife as a trade from a local tribe to cease your warfare over the fertile plains between your villages and she still fears fire - why wouldn't she? she's eleven! - and you put her in your lap and she gets nervous and just lets one rip!

I think the joke's funny because it's so relatable.

I'm glad that someone said it and then said, "This is hilarious, I better carve it into a clay tablet so I don't forget it."

Catching Up On My Writing

Hey assholes. Yeah, fuck you.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

I've written two things that are marginally funny.

One in which I explain how Congress is sort of sorry about slavery.

The other in which I mention five movie scenes I didn't understand until I was older.

Oh Lord!

China's Paying Its Quake Victims To Keep Quiet

And I made a 23/6 story about it.

China's Paying Its Quake Victims To Keep Quiet

And I made a 23/6 story about it.

Barack Obama's Speech In Motivational YouTube Clips

Did you see Barack Obama's speech in Berlin? Golly! He was all like, "Psssshooooo! Pssssshhoooo! Dededededededede!" And they were all like, "Eeeeeek! Whoooooa!" And he was all like, "Raaaaaaaaaaagh!" And they were all like, "Ooooooooooh yeeeeeeeah!"

It was all very exciting. But you don't have a lot of time, do you? I bet not.

That's okay. Because I do and I've reconstructed Barack Obama's speech through YouTube clips.

If he can take the best parts of motivational speeches and cobble them together, so can I!



I come to you not as a politician. I come to you as a citizen, speaking to the world. To a world faced with some of the greatest threats its ever known.





I know things are tough. They're hard for me, too.





Yeah, that's right. People have been asking me how I plan on following up on the 'change' I've promised. Well, let me tell you... OH MY GOD IS THAT A CUTE CAT? DISTRACTION!





But hold up one goddamn minute. Did I say I was finished? Let me tell you kids...





And The Chopper! Wherever he is, I bet he's looking down on us right now, saying, 'Yeah. Go get 'em, boys!' SO LET'S WIN ONE FOR THE CHOPPER!

Just What Was Wall Street Drinking?

As always, when Bush says something succinct and kind of funny, the Republicans try to hide it.

That’s right. Bush said that Wall Street got drunk, and now it’s hung over. And it’s waking up next to China. And in the morning light? Uh-uh, it don’t look so good. But now China wants to get brunch and everything’s all weird because Wall Street just wants to go home and maybe catch the Cubs game. Because of bears. And the bear market. GET IT? OH JESUS WHEN WILL DEATH RELEASE ME?

But just what was Wall Street drinking to make it go all crazy and deface the “My Goodness My Guinness!” poster in the Men’s room?

It's The Same Dark Knight Review

It's not worth writing a review because it's so good and everyone's told you it's good and stop acting like it won't be good since it's clearly so good.

Bush Wants You To Know That Conception Starts At "Hello"

Good news, folks! The Bush Administration wants to define contraception – stuff like condoms, the pill... I don’t know, the rhythm method, I suppose – as “abortion.” That’s right – contraceptives kill the baby before they’re even alive, like cute little thought crimes.

“Wait a minute,” you just said. “Babies therefore would have a right to life before they even chemically exist?”

Hell yeah!

It’s good times to be the potential for a baby. Real good times.

But it will take some getting used to. So I’m once again pitching a few promotional posters to the Government’s Marketing Department, Washington D.C., United States of America.

The Greatest Joke I've Ever Written

I've written hundreds of jokes. Most are terrible. Some are decent. A few are amazing. I wrote the best joke I've ever written. And now I'm done with comedy.

Here we go.

I saw this news story about a woman who had a baby, and claimed that the Dad was a ghost. That's right - the Mom was impregnated by a ghost! I mean, that's weird! But at least you know the ghost moved to the afterlife since he finally finished his business.

BOOM!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Call the U.N. because we need some sanctions on how good that joke is. Call the fire department, because I am on fire and they could put me out with their years of training and experience as well as equipment paid for by my tax dollars! WHAT WHAT!

The Music Virgin: OK Computer

Here's my new Music Virgin piece on OK Computer.

Or here!

I liked it much better than Guns 'N Roses' Appetite for Destruction.

Thank You Pandora on iPhone

I entered a few song suggestions after I downloaded Pandora on my iPhone.

The first song it gave me was "I Lost on Jeopardy" by Weird Al Yankovic.

When I looked up "Why This Song Is Playing," Pandora said (and this is a quote):

"We're playing this track because it features electric rock instrumentation, humorous lyrics, a nostalgic subject, and many other similarities identified in the Music Genome Project."

So far so good.

The next song?

G Code by the Geto Boys. Why?

"We're playing this track because it features hardcore rap attitude, use of tonal harmonies, dry recording, and many other similarities identified in the Music Genome Project."

Good work, Pandora.

Atheist Comedy Show This Saturday!

The last (D)evangelical Comedy show went really well so The PIT gave us another. We've got a really solid line-up of smart folks who know smart things. If you're in the New York area, you should come.


(D)evangelical Comedy
Saturday, July 12th at 11:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.

The PIT
154 W. 29th St (Between 6th and 7th Ave)
New York, NY
$8

Featuring:

Mike Drucker (23/6, McSweeney's)
John Knefel (Huffington Post)
Eric Andre (Live at Gotham)
Harry Terjanian (Disney's "So You Think You're Funny")
Jamie Kilstein (BBC, Sirius Satellite Radio)

FISA: Your Silent, Always Watching Best Friend

You may not have heard because it’s not really being covered by the news, but the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act has been passed! And – this is the awesome part – telecom immunity.

That means that corporations and the government can watch what you do without being held responsible. Which means your safety is always secure. Because who gives a shit about those other people, right? You’ve got nothing to hide and 9/11 was really scary.

If you’re reading this US Government – and I know you are since I just Googled “Terrorist Child Porn Gay Black People” – I’ve got some advertising pitches which might help the few doubting Thomases realize that FISA is meant to protect innocent people from themselves, not hurt them.

Here we go:

Call me, Uncle Sam. You already know the number.

My Civilization DS Solution!

The music's missing in Civilization: Revolution on the DS.

I bought Civilization: Revolution for the Nintendo DS. My television is right next to my computer, so buying the Xbox 360 version would have been sort of pointless. However, I do spend hours each day on the subway. Hours that can be spent ignoring those dusty old books and trying to keep Egypt out my shit!

The game is really fun. It is a simplified version of the series as most people have pointed out in the past. People who like workers, spreading religion, or diplomacy above "GVE ME UR MATHS OR I BREAK YOU!" might be let down.

But the game is still very deep and very addicting. I actually turned on my shower last night, opened my DS, played three turns, turned off my shower, and laid on my couch for two hours playing through a game.

But back to my question:

What the hell happened to the music?

While there's some event-based music, there's none of the ambient music that I've come to know and love in the series. It's odd quiet. Even some midi-based tunes would have been better than nothing.

So I came up with a solution.

And this will work for anyone who buys Civilization: Revolution on the Nintendo DS.

Step 1: Own an iPod, Zune, or other Digital Music Device

You already do. It's 2008.

Step 2: Go Here And Download All the Civilization Soundtracks

It'll take ten minutes. You'll be fine.

Step 3: Sink the Music Up Into a "Civilization Playlist" on Your Music Player

Call to John now. I know this hurts.

Step 4: Put in Your Earphones and Queue Up the Civilization Playlist

Now you can hear real Civilization music!

Step 5: Keep Your Earphones In While Playing Civilization: Revolution

Wow that's both the fun game and the music that it deserves!


You're welcome.

I'm On the Front Page of Digg and Reddit And No One Fucking Told Me

Holy shit!

Cracked.com picked up my IMDB Black20 piece and no one told me.

But it's now on the front page of Digg and Reddit. DIGG AND FUCKING REDDIT.

Here's the thing: I submitted it to Digg and Reddit two months ago and it got nary a blip on the radar. In fact, on Reddit, my submission has zero points, meaning not only did no one want it, but someone went out of their way to hit the down arrow.

Weird, weird, weird.

Two New 23/6 Pieces

I wrote one paid 23/6 piece and one blog.

The paid one is about our black presidents.

The blog is about an America-themed wedding I attended.

Both are getting a pretty good response.