Now I Feel Bad For McCain

That's the sad point we're at in this campaign. Even Joe The Plumber doesn't care enough about McCain to show up.

He didn't cancel - he just didn't show.

It's getting to the point where I feel bad for him now.

Libertarians Are Okay With My Onion Piece

Oh, Libertarians. A friend of my brother's, who's also a Ron Paul fan, forwarded me a few entries from Libertarian blogs noting my Onion piece.

Here and there.

So... they're alright with the piece? I guess? I do like the sort warning tone one has, where it's like "Yeah, pretty fucking funny now until it's for real."

What In God's Name Is Wrong With You People?

What in God's name is wrong with you people? I understand if you don't understand my ad campaign. But to assault it as unethical... Well, it certainly doesn't take the cake because I find cake overwhelmingly pleasant and this event is quite the opposite. It's unpleasant, I'm trying to say.

Bob. Bob. Bob. How can an ad be too sexy? Does that mean people are going to want to masturbate to it? Children? Well, teenagers, at least. Because children can't masturbate, not last time I checked at least. If you guys want to prove different to me that children are going to masturbate to this ad, I'd love some proof right on my desk right now.

Joan. I thought we were cool. But you say my ad is too provocative for the product. Let me define provocative for you. It means something like attractive or sexy, right? I don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I think that's what the definition would be. By that definition, which is right, I'm ninety percent sure, my ad is a good thing, okay? So before you throw around words, why not look them up first? I mean, Jesus, Joan, can you even spell provocative?

Okay, I'm sure that's probably right.

Ed. Buddy. Our kids play soccer together and you're calling this ad campaign unacceptable? Which part is unacceptable? That people are talking about the product or buying it more than ever before? And, honestly, the stories about the suicides are anecdotal. Every time a woman goes on the news and says her son or daughter killed him or herself, respectively, I'm like, "That's just an anecdote. Where's the proof?"

I'll tell you where the proof is: in the pudding.

Where's the pudding? In the fridge.

Where's the fridge? In the break room.

Where's the break room? On the ninth floor.

But we're on the fifth floor discussing ad campaigns. So if you guys want pudding, don't sit here and tell me my ad campaign is dangerous. Because you're four floors away from knowing what you're talking about.

Kimmy? Kimmy, hi, it's me. Get me my pudding from the break room and bring it to the conference room on floor five.

Jesus, guys. These are some serious accusations you're making about me. Were the stills for the ads taken from snuff films? That's your question? Were the stills for the ads taken from snuff films? Before I can even start to answer that, I need to wonder who knows snuff films so well they knew where the pictures came from? Can anyone even tell me which Real Faces Of Death it came from?

One or three? Or five?

You don't know.

And yet you call my ad campaign irresponsible. Ho. That's worth laughing about.

So while you e-mail our lawyers and our corporate slave-masters asking how to make what I consider a daring and interesting campaign "safe for the mainstream," maybe consider that we're not just selling hairbrushes: we're selling lifestyles. So if you want your hairbrush ads without real-life Vietnam War footage, fine. Go ahead. Have some woman brushing her hair, satisfied with her purchase. Fine. It'll play great to the sheep and their sheep dog husbands.

That's what I'll say to them, honey. That's what I'm going to say at the meeting today.

New Onion Story About Ron Paul

Another one of my Onion ideas is up.

Run Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most.

This is probably my favorite idea yet for an Onion article.

McSweeney's / McCain Robotcall Inspiration

Hi, guys.

I got an e-mail from a writer named Paul Ita who told me he had used my McSweeney's Robot piece as inspiration for a joke about John McCain's Robo-Calling campaign.

It's kind of neat to be the inspiration for something, especially when it makes fun of McCain / Palin's march to the End of Days.

More Comedy Central Stuff

Comedy Central included the clip I did for them in their Indecision 2008 blog.

I think that's pretty cool.

The clip now has about 18,000 views. That's more people than went to my high-school by, like, 17,000 people.

Or, if you consider my comedy success rate, I've made over 24 people laugh.

Oh, Jesus! A Good Star Wars Online Game

Oh wow-ee. Wow, wow, wow. Oh boy. Hoo.

BioWare and LucasArts have announced a Knights Of The Old Republic massively-multiplayer RPG.

Oh Jesus. Oh God.

This is what I've been waiting for: a good Star Wars online game. That's it. It's my motherfucking Godot. This is the only thing I've been waiting for.

It's like when I was a teenager and I couldn't wait to have sex. I never expected either to happen. And there were misfires - boy, were there misfires left and right. I couldn't sleep there were so many misfires. Jesus. But now it's real and I feel great and I'm finally a man!

Oh God! This is it! This is it, guys!

Here are things I really want, but I've still been waiting for less than Star Wars: The Old Republic.

My next breath.

A meaningful hug with my father.

Marriage.

Anything involving being on a television show not hosted by Chris Hansen.

Seeing if there's an afterlife.

Halal food.

I don't think you guys understand what this means to me. A lot is what it means to me.

Comedy Central Comedians A-Z Page!

In follow-up to the video, I've been added to the Comedians A-Z page on Comedy Central's website.

Neat.

I'm very sore from Wii Fit. It tells me I'm obese. I'm sorry, guys. I didn't know.

Today In Republican Fail

From the Internet, some great new examples of Republican Epic Fail.

Number 1, Sarah Palin's Scarf:



Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha. Hoo. Hahahahahaha.

Really? You didn't notice your America scarf was covered in donkeys? Jesus, lady - it can't be that hard to look at the clothes you're putting on.

Number 2, McCain Drops The C Word



I guess he wasn't a big fan of the Bush rates.

Also, look at Cindy take a step back when he says it. She's heard it before.

Number 3, John McCain Thinks Barack's Supporters Are Right



"They said you guys suck. And I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you... FUCK!"

Top Ten Video Game TV Ads

Video games are a weird sell on television. While it's easy to get an idea of movies and other television shows through ads, games feature that whole interactive thing.

In the 1980s, ads for video games were embarrassingly bad. They were shot like board game commercials - two kids having fun, "I win!"-style dialogue. They were ads written for kids by people who may have seen a child once, but it might also have been a boar.

For example:



But as games and gamers have matured, we've seen increasingly neat ads for games - some of them as entertaining as the games themselves.

Here are the best 10 video game ads that aren't The Wizard.

10. Little Brat!



This was one of the first big gameplay footage commercials. And in 1991, Sonic The Hedgehog looked awesome. How did it move so fast? Well, we'd learn later that scientists had invented blast processing just so your eyes didn't melt when he went fast enough to go through a loop.

The commercial is funny in a slightly stupid way and lacks the attitude that may have made other Genesis commercials more popular, but also far more annoying.

9. It's Thinking



I know the Dreamcast failed. But these ads were everywhere, and they were funny.

It was silly and fun and quickly showcased a dozen games for the system in one quick commercial. It also slips in some sweet gameplay footage while retaining the joke of the ad.

8. Now You're Playing With Portable Power



All advertising seems quaint in retrospect. Watch an ad from five years ago, and you can't help but go, "Awwww... that's so cute people were excited for The Polar Express."

So it's easy to dismiss this ad as a clunky, lame toy commercial. Which is is.

But it's also the ad that introduced American gamers to the Game Boy. Which is the biggest selling system of all time. And Tetris. Which is the best sell video game of all time.

It promised gamers an awesome time on the road, at school, and anywhere that wasn't home where Dad was always watching TV. And, don't forget, "The games are interchangeable!"

7. Mortal Kombat!



While I now feel sort of troubled by an ad that features a massive crowd excited about violence, I remember this ad invading my brain and forcing me to draw Sub-Zero in my notebook for hours.

This wasn't the first big video game hype ad, but it may have had the biggest of its time. My Toys 'R Us had signs for Mortal Kombat everywhere, with delicious warnings that the game was so awesome that we'd need grown-ups to give us oven mitts to hold it.

I ended up buying it on the Game Boy because I wanted portable power and my parents had heard the Nintendo versions were less violent. The game sucked on the Game Boy - and I played it for three months straight.

6. Wii'd Like To Play



God is this commercial annoying. To gamers.

But to reg'lar folk, it's a way to show them that video games don't necessarily involve ghosts like me in a cave hitting a keyboard to make Hitler shoot a dinosaur. They can involve moving - but not too much! - and playing - but not too hard! - in a comfortable living room.

5. Genesis Does What Nintendon't



While it's kind of embarrassing now, this ad was awesome back in the day. Why? They showed more than two seconds of game footage. This was the point that video games were looking so good you could just play footage rather than relying on kids saying how cool it was.

And holy shit, Michael Jackson!

4. Mario! Mario! Mario!



Still get shivers. Still.

From the commercial, I had no idea what the game was going to look like or play like, but all those people made a giant Mario face, and that was all the peer pressure I needed.

3. Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time



All gameplay. All of it. It's all gameplay. And you knew.

In a time before high-speed Internet - meaning, like, five years ago - you rarely got to catch a good, juicy glimpse of a game's gameplay. You either had to rent it, play a demo at a store kiosk, or take their word for it.

But this ad featured all in-game footage. Watching this made you excited because you knew it was going to be that cool. And it was. Oh, to live in 1998 again.

2. Final Fantasy 7



This ad was so effective it caused me to break into my college savings account to buy this game. I bought a PlayStation to play this game. I had never played a Final Fantasy game before, but after seeing this ad, I knew I wanted to. I knew this game had a story unlike anything I'd seen before.

The ad was also a complete lie - this was all CG footage from movie cutscenes.

But as far as making gamers want the game was concerned, this ad did more for the PlayStation than all the Jet Motos and Battle Arena Toshindens combined.

1. Halo 3: Believe



The best video game ad ever made.

While Halo 3 was going to sell millions whether if they did this or a rabbit wearing a Master Chief helmet, this ad captures both a big feature of the game (pausing and rewinding game footage after a match) and the gravity of the storyline.

Every piece of this ad makes you want the game. While it's not in-game footage, it's stylized enough to not trick you the way the Final Fantasy VII ad did nor make you feel like Bungie was hiding something.

It was just a perfect representation of what this game was, and how it would make you feel.

Comedy Central Video

I promise I'll write a new joke.



But neat-o, eh?

Here's the Comedy Central Insider's Full Thing-y

Dragon Quest IX Threatens To Charm Me To Death

I haven't completed a Japanese Role-Playing Game in over two years. Mainly because I don't have the time anymore and I've grown tired of stories involving angst-ridden teens fighting ancient evils.

However, the trailer for Dragon Quest IX has finally hit the Internets, and goddamn if it won't charm me to death.



Did you watch it? I bet you didn't.

This game couldn't be any cuter if all the dialogue replaced the letter "r" and "l" with the letter "w."

"I going to fight a dwagon in its wair to save the viwwage."

Shucks. Alright. Get in my DS. I'll play you. You're just too charming.

Exactly True

This is exactly true.

My New Onion Story Is Up!

Hey guys!

Yay! Another of my Onion stories has been made by The Onion and put up on The Onion.

John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy Twice

Good day to you, sir!

More Terry Tate / Sarah Palin

Woo!

Something That Made My Morning

I know it's annoying when people just post other people's videos. Fuck you. I've been in my office since 6:00 a.m. looking up graphics. I need something so my eyes don't bleed out as I search for puppies and kittens for a joke.

This might do. And watch it all the way to the end. It's not what you think.

Wii Fit: A Game That Is An Asshole

I get paid double at work this week, so I picked up Wii Fit from the GameStop downstairs.

I've been gaining weight since I started here - a mixture of never seeing the sunlight and suffering from a crippling depression - so I thought it might be neat to pick up an exercise game and play it when I get home at night or before I leave for work. This is what I assume a good adult does rather than buying Dead Space.

Upon getting home and setting up the Wii Fit Balance Board, I was impressed with how quickly the game told me I was obese. This isn't helped by the in-game voice, which sounds like a five-year-old girl. Imagine standing on a scale and having a little girl holding an ice-cream cone in one hand and a red-balloon in the other say, "Gee, Mister: you're obese" and you get the sense of morality this game kicks you off with.

Anyway. Obese. Good. Gives me something to work off.

So I set my goal to lose 22 pounds over three months. After you set your goal, you get a reminder that says, "If you ever want to change your goal because it becomes too difficult, you can do so in the options menu."

Thanks for the confidence, Wii Fit.

Next up: exercising!

I did a ton of the yoga and strength exercises. And, I'll admit, they're good. You really do get your heart racing and you really feel your muscles being worked throughout each routine. The ability to set a favorites list and a number of reps for each exercise allows you to develop a routine that works for you.

Of course, every time I messed up, the virtual trainer told me I should work on it. "Your balance is off on your right foot - work on that next time. You're running weird - work on that next time. Your father never loved you - don't carry that over to your children."

Because you're working so hard, and because the trainer is right, you get really emotionally involved in pleasing the game. You want to balance right. You want to move right. You want to not be called "obese."

In this, Nintendo has done something brilliant. Rather than making exercise fun and friendly, it has made a virtual trainer that acts like an asshole so you desperately want to please it. However, as the trainer isn't real, you don't suffer from the deep hole of self-hatred when you miss a move. Rather, you just focus and try to get it right the next time.

Samba De Amigo For Wii: Like Getting Back With A Girl Who Now Hates You

Samba De Amigo was easily my favorite game for the Dreamcast. While it didn't have quite the punch of Soul Calibur or style of Jet Grind Radio, it was the best music game around until Guitar Hero.

So when they announced one for the Nintendo Wii, I thought, great. Finally. It's back.



Samba!

But it isn't Samba. It isn't even Bossa Nova. It's a goddamn travesty. The game mixes the style and fun of the original with new Wii motion controls that make you hate yourself. Deeply. Because the game explains what to do very plainly. So every failed response, every accidental hit, and every missed pose feel like your fault. Aren't you holding the goddamn Wii control the right way? Aren't you?

The game is difficult on easy, impossible on medium, and a fucking nightmare on hard. I didn't make it to the hardest difficulty level because I couldn't. I couldn't handle it physically. I couldn't handle it emotionally. Because I don't know what the fuck the game wants me to do.

You want me to pose with one controller straight and one controller raised? Well that's what I'm fucking doing. Okay? Would you just register it? Why can't you see I'm doing exactly what you're asking me to do? Why? Why?

By the end of it, I'm sitting at a table with a gun in my mouth as Vietnamese men bet on the result.

Samba De Amigo on the Wii feels like getting with an old girlfriend. Sure, she looks the same on the outside - but she's changed. And what she wants from you is completely different. Maybe if enough people bought copies of her when she was young then she'd still be the girl you remembered. But they didn't. No one bought copies of her. And she's returned a ruined woman.

That's a pretty good metaphor, I think.

I hate this game. Because I was ready to fall in love again.

Obama Answers Joe The Plumber

Listen. Obama lays it out. Here's his plan.

When's the last time you've seen a candidate really just stay there and calmly talk to someone who disagrees with him?

Everyone criticizes Obama for taking so much time to answer questions. But isn't it good that he doesn't have a catchphrase? He has to actually explain everything in a way that lays it all out.

Nah. Let's go for the guy who does this:

Top 5 "What The Fuck?" Moments From The Debate

The final debate is over. Although I've made it clear that I've already voted for Obama through an absentee ballot - and I'm heavily biased towards the guy who didn't write a fucking Weird Al parody about bombing Iran - I think these five moments during the debate made me even more glad I've supported Barack Hussein Obama.

5. "Economy, Blah, Blah, Stuff"


This starts at about :19. Everyone gets tripped up. Fine. But listen to what they're talking about beforehand: government spending.

Then listen to what McCain ends on: energy independence.

Job creation of energy independence, sure, but no specifics. Just verbal skips until he hits a catchphrase that's only tangentially related to the topic.

This isn't tripping over your words. This is bullshitting through the finish line. This is something you do on a first date when you say something the girl doesn't like.

"Do you want kids?"
"No! I could never see myself having kids. No way."
"Really? Aw. I love kids."
"Oh. Well. I. The thing about family is it's so... My mother always said... The point about today's society... And I'm really glad that I met a girl who reads."

4. The "Health" Of The Mother



Yikes. Finger quotes?

Oh, these chicks these days who walk into a doctor's office after six months of pregnancy and decide they don't want to carry to term because of some lame excuse. Yeah, right.

"My feet hurt, I have a headache, I feel fat today." Am I right, fellas? Women!

They just complain, complain, complain until they get their way. I mean, really. If women can get abortions because of "health" issues, next up they'll be getting free designer shoes and purses from the government because, if they don't, "they'll just die."

3. Zero. Zero?! Zero.



John McCain has tried and failed repeatedly to use sarcasm to his benefit during the debates. Each time he either comes off as a mean-spirited jackass or ignorant.

This was one of the second kind.

McCain's response here makes it sound like he had no idea what Barack's plan entailed.

In fact, it sounds exactly like an infomercial at 3 a.m.

"Guess how much money you're paying for these extra kitchen utensils. Zero."

"ZERO?!?!?!"

"Zero."

"What a value!"

2. Sarah Palin Understands Autism Better Than Most



Let's pass by the way too easy comment. McCain's right: Autism is a serious issue that requires further scientific research.

Sarah Palin is the mother of a special needs child. Who does not have autism.

He has Down Syndrome. He's not autistic.

Assuming that two learning conditions are the same is not only ignorant, it's downright dangerous. Funding for programs for special needs kids can't just involve putting more teachers in special needs classrooms - it involves training teachers to deal with specific conditions and developing programs for children with vastly different needs.

But what's the difference, right? You say potato, and I say not a fucking potato.

1. Fucking Asshole Eye-Roll



That's one example.

Throughout the entire debate, John McCain rolled his eyes and groaned and giggled like this was a debate for high school treasurer. The fact that at the mention of murdering labor leaders, John McCain's reaction is "Hoo boy, this old topic again?" is repulsive.

Throughout the entire debate, McCain acted like a petulant kid, bitching and moaning his way through.

Occasionally Barack Obama smiled. Yeah, the smile at an attack can be corny. But it's better than crazy facial expressions.

John McCain: listen. You're not Bugs Fucking Bunny. When a policy you disagree with is mentioned, you can't pretend your eyes pop-out and steam pours out of your ears. I know that's what's in your head. You think you're being cute and over-emotive like a funny cartoon character. You're not. You're coming off as a rude asshole.

I love comedy. A lot. But I would be pretty disappointed if Barack spent the entirety of your comments miming a jerk-off motion.

But he didn't.

Because he's better than you.

Runner Up: Congratultions, Joe: You're Rich!

I don't have a clip of it. I'm just not even sure what John McCain was trying to say. All I know is he was super excited that Joe The Plumber was rich. And that was good news because it meant that new pro-energy jobs would be created that would foster a return to decency in our American campaigns that would mean no feels were hurt.

I Voted Today

I sent out my absentee ballot for Florida today. I feel pretty good voting.

I voted for Obama.

I voted against an amendment banning gay marriage.

I voted to allow immigrants in Florida to own property.

If Broward County gives tax breaks to people who make environmentally-friendly additions to their property, I helped.

It's a good day.

Don't forget to get your absentee ballots, all ye comedians who just moved to New York and can vote in other states.

The No Good Very Bad Stand-Up

I need to make a confession: I haven't written a large new bit in about four weeks.

I've written small jokes and tried them here and there, and they've been successful, sure. But the last large bit I've written was about the Minnesota State Fair, and that was well over a month ago.

I think I'm just having trouble adjusting to my new schedule. With all the things I've been pitching and submitting, I feel like I've fallen behind others in what should be my comedy bread and butter: stand-up. I'm feeling slower and worse on stage - something I need to rectify now before it gets worse.

Obviously, there's no one to blame but myself. But I need to recognize that I'm getting lazy, or sloppy. Or whatever.

Perhaps I need to take a few nights off and not go to open-mics, but instead focus on some new, creative writing. In fact, this blog itself is an attempt to draw me away from the murk of only writing something when asked by someone with a checkbook. I need to stop that. That didn't get me to where I am now and it won't help me get further if I just wait for someone to ask me to be funny.

Okay.

How are you folks?

Mavericks Actually Kind Of Suck

So John McCain and Sarah Palin want America to think they're mavericks. Here's what John and Sarah want you to think "maverick" means.



Sexy. Fun. Ready for action.

Yeah! Mavericks don't follow the rules, because the rules don't apply to them.

So since mavericks are so neat, let's look at other mavericks!

* This maverick cop ignored the tasering regulations and killed a guy!

* This maverick lived above the law outside of the liberal elite's peacenik ideas.

* This maverick wasn't going to let popular opinion or laws or public trust keep him from doing what he thought was right!

* These maverick nurses always know what's best for their patients, even if the Harvard-educated "doctors" tell them otherwise.

* This maverick isn't going to let bleeding heart liberals tell him when he can or can not use his god-given car.

* Some mavericks aren't going to let the Democrat-created financial crisis keep them from enjoying the products and services Americans deserve.

All these mavericks are solid examples of people who aren't going to follow the rules or popular opinion. They're going to do what they want because they know better than you, you frickin' sheep. Yeah. Like the guy who doesn't use his goddamn turn signal, John McCain is going to lead this country his way on his terms because he knows what he's doing and that should be good enough for you, nerd.

Who The Fuck Is "That One"?

Watch this:



What the fuck is that all about? First of all, it's disrespectful. Secondly, "that one" is a cute singular for "those people" or "those folks." McCain is distancing himself and people like him from Obama, making him foreign. In fact, saying "that one" makes Obama into an object.

You don't want to vote for "that one."

Pluralize it.

You don't want to vote for "those people."

Which people? Democrats? No, because you always talk about bipartisanship, John. Men? Well, no. You're a man too. A big Navy man who won Vietnam by crashing fifty and a half planes while fucking anything that moved. Let's see... maybe black people?

It's not overt, but John's complete inability to acknowledge Obama - even refusing to shake his hand - indicates that McCain wants to portray Obama as beneath him. It's an embarrassment that Obama would even compete with McCain.



This whole treatment of Obama by McCain / Palin reminds me of that scene in "Birth Of A Nation" in which black people get into Congress and act all crazy and a mess - they're portrayed as dangerous, different, and too inferior to even be worth considering at Maverick level.

"That one" may have been an odd way to say "that guy," or "that dude." However, McCain's treatment of Obama definitely calls upon some sort of disrespect, and it's becoming and more and more clear that it may be racial.

Also, McCain said on public record that he hates Asian people.

He didn't call them "Asian," of course.

Comedy Central @ Crash Mansion Tonight

Please let this go well... please let this go well...

I'm freaking right the fuck out, guys! So how abouts you come down to Comedy Central @ Crash Mansion tonight and see a grade A breakdown? That sounds fun, right? Oh God, it doesn't! It doesn't sound fun at all! It sounds like Mike's going to break down in tears! Oh no! No guys! I don't want that!

Great lineup tonight!

Me (The Onion, 23/6 McSweeney's)

Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend)

Nate Bargatze (Conan, Live @ Gotham)

Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend)

Todd Levin (Premium Blend)

Anthony Jeselnik (Comedy Central Presents)

COMEDY CENTRAL @ CRASH MANSION

199 Bowery (@ Spring St. )

New York, NY 10002

Monday, October 6th

8pm-9:30pm

$5

My Onion Article On Stern

Dan Boulger told me that my article appeared on Stern. I didn't believe him, so I looked it up and found this recap on Stern's website:

TWISTED SISTER NOW SAYS THEY'RE GONNA "TAKE IT"
Lisa G speaks with Dee Snider about the article appearing in The Onion this week entitled “Members of Twisted Sister Now Willing to Take It.” Dee says,”I felt like I’ve arrived that the Onion did a story on Twisted Sister. “Dee points out that We’re Not Going to Take It was the quote, “ultimate song of rebellion, it’s a big F you, “and he says the article “was pretty frickin funny because at 53, I do take it a little bit. You know what I take it a whole bunch. I did a CMT show called gone country for god’s sake and sang a country song. I don’t think I would have done that 20 years ago.”

Holy shit. Dee Snider discussed my idea making fun of his band. Holy shit.

2nd and 3rd Most Popular Stories On The Onion

Are mine. Yikes!