The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"

Yikes. The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is... well it's gay. It's very gay. And I don't mean that in some derogatory, mean-spirited sense. I mean it in a Cher and the B-52s way. Because they're in it.

Is it good? Fuck yes, it's good. It's insane and campy and odd. It's as if the entire 1980s were trying to have a Christmas special and converged on one singular point. All we're missing is Ronald Reagan and New Coke. The rest of it feels like a nightmare I had after watching The Wedding Singer with a fever.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Star Wars Holiday Special"

The Star Wars Holiday Special is legendary.



And like most legendary things, it's hard to criticize it or praise it without being a douche. If I say it sucks, you already know that. If I say it's great, I'll just come off as someone trying to make a mark with a cynically impassioned defense.

It is what it is. It's a misguided attempt to cash in on the combination of a Holiday and the biggest movie of the '70s. The odd cameos - Bea Arthur, Jefferson Starship, etc. - only emphasize a cultural phenomenon spinning completely out of control.

The "Life Day" theme is also weird because it tries so hard to avoid being Christmas while still being Christmas. Placing the emphasis on Wookies is supposed to distance Life Day from a human family. But the writers - who had little contact with George Lucas - want so bad to make families fall in love with the Wookies that they turn them into over-emotive mimes.

It's an odd special, as notable for its campy marking of an era as it is a failure. Like old Confederate dollar bills from the Civil War, it's a weird, purposefully forgotten artifact.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "History Channel: Christmas Unwrapped"

Here you go, history nerds: not only does Santa Claus exist, but he's a representation of old Norse myths combined with a dude that ressurected three murdered boys while giving old girls their dowry for marriage. FACE!

This is a pretty solid, quick history of the big day. Did you know the pilgrims hated Christmas? And it used to be known as a holiday to get your nasty on? And Jesus was never a big part of the celebration? Question mark?

Even if you're not a big history buff, this special moves along and is entertaining in and of itself. It examines the holiday through a good-natured, but non-partisan lens. This reveals the generally non-religious origin of the holiday, making the atheist in me quite happy.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Frosty The Snowman"

Thanksgiving's over, motherfuckers! Let's get this shit started for real! No more bullshit. We've fucked around a lot so far. Alright. I can accept that. But there are only a few weeks left until the greatest day of the year. A day better than Halloween or my birthday.

And we're going to start with one of the greatest Christmas specials ever animated by human hands and broadcast on the televisions of mankind. Frosty The Snowman.







Oh shit! Did you see that? Frosty saved Christmas and taught a girl how to love again!

While the special is a bit cheesy, it does hit its cheesiness at just the right level. The image of Frosty melting is horrifying. But he's willing to take that chance if it means saving Christmas! Let me repeat that: he's willing to allow his flesh to melt in order to keep a little girl's belief in magic alive.

Would you do that? Would you? Because I look into your eyes, and I finding you wanting. Good day to you, sir.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Mary Tyler Moore"

Mary loves Christmas. But with Mary's big fancy job, there comes sacrificies. Such as Christmas. And it's really, really depressing.

While The Mary Tyler Moore Show is a sitcom, this episode is just sad. Not a tear-jerker. Just sad. Mary gets used by everyone around her while she gives up little bit of Christmas after little bit of Christmas.

Here's almost every scene in the special:

MARY: I love Christmas!
CO-WORKER: We had to burn Santa Claus alive so there would be news. Go cover it.
MARY: Okay...
CO-WORKER: By the way, you're going to die alone.
MARY: Got it.

The episode does end happily, though, which somewhat makes up for it. And the scene in which Mary's boss fills out an accidentally blank check creates a good bit around the guilt / gift-giving tandem.

Not every special needs to be special, per se. But the first 15 minutes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show Christmas creates the odd scenario where you don't feel bad for Mary - she's got an awesome paying job that makes her throw her hat in the air - but really doesn't make you feel too good for her either.

Still. Love that blank check bit.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Studio 60"

The Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip Christmas episode is a great example of why the entire show itself failed.



The storyline follows the regular storyline of one character trying to bring Christmas to a group of Scrooges. Oh they don't like Christmas! Got to cheer them up with some forced smiles and clever dialog!

The show has never done a Christmas show, and Matt thinks it's time for a change!

Although I wanted to enjoy this special - as much as I wanted to enjoy the show, which was a lot - the forced nature of the entire thing makes it feel wholly false.

Characters denounce Christmas and then change their mind. You can see the upcoming conflict twists and jokes from a mile away. A CHRISTMAS IN LOS ANGELES? OH, BROTHER!

Largely, this is all caused by the episode's self awareness. Aaron Sorkin seems to be trying irony on for size. What if he did a Christmas special about his show doing a Christmas special?

But it's been done by Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore without such gravitas and back patting.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Bob Newhart Show"

I think I damaged my hearing the other night. Everything sounds lower than it should be. I noticed because I've been watching The Bob Newhart Show Christmas Special!



Like Newhart's comedy, this Christmas special takes a little time to ramp up to greatness. The first few scenes are your regular Christmas special cliches: gifts awkwardly exchanged, one member of a couple being more giving than the other, etc.

But once Bob gets into his routine about Christmas parties, the special becomes really funny. Though a lot of it revolves around a Christmas party at the office gone awry, it feels fresh. The theme of Christmas guilt and presents gone awry is handled extremely well - better than most other attempts at the subject. Bob keeps trying to be giving throughout the holiday, only to find his honest attempts backfiring.

Here's a guy without the general cynicism of most modern Christmas specials and films. He wants to do the right thing for everyone, which turns out to be the wrong thing for everyone else.

It's a very smart, adult take on Christmas - there are almost no children in this episode - that we rarely see in specials, and well worth watching.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Garfield Christmas"

Garfield The Comic Strip has a long history of sucking. The joke-based strips are lame and the storylines are all boring. A character gets lost or goes on a date. Will they be okay? Yes, but it's Monday!. Jesus.

However, I'll go out on a limb and say the Garfield animated series was alright. Maybe it wasn't great. But it was alright and had its moments.

As does the Garfield Christmas Special.







The special is effective at replicating the feel of going home for Christmas. Jon may be a doofus jerkoff, but he's even more of a doofus jerkoff when facing a family he left behind. And seeing the Christmas spirit affect Garfield makes for a surprisingly tender moment in what is such a bland and cynically cynical series.

Perhaps the best part of the Garfield Christmas Special is that it's short. There's no meandering or useless parts - it just moves along and hits the proper points while delivering family-friendly laughs. It may not be hardcore enough for some people or hilarious enough for others, but it does an effective job with almost no fat on the bone.

This special - which itself is the best episode of the animated series - fulfills all the promise of the comic strip without falling into any of the lame traps. While it may be said that a Christmas special is just another part of Jim Davis' line of merchandised shit - which it is - that doesn't keep this from being a really fun, smooth special.

The Tired State Of The Long Distance Runner

I haven't been to an SNL after party in perhaps two months whereas in the past I would go all the time. I want to go: they're fun and exciting and you see people in person for free that you usually have to pay to see at the movie theater.

At the same time, I've been working Saturdays from 6 a.m. to 1 a.m., which is 19 hours.

Now, to be fair, 19 hours isn't as bad as it sounds. I have things to do. I have a script for Weekend Update and as soon as I get in, I start finding pictures and pieces of builds of pictures. Creating the graphics for Weekend Update takes about eight hours on a good day, and changes come throughout. Sometimes we need to make the type bigger. Sometimes there's a misspelling. That sort of thing.

"Can we get her with a crazier expression?"

"You know, instead of a map of Germany, I think instead let's do a German flag."

It's a decent job.

But it has destroyed my energy for partying and my interest in drinking. By the end of a Saturday, I just want to sleep. I'm not stressed - all my stress on the show disappears as soon as the show goes live and I know I'm essentially done. Rather, I'm exhausted.

Which has extended to much of my actual outside life. Meaning stand-up. I'm so tired all the time. My material has suffered, definitely. Not the material I already have - that's fine. But the newer bits are missing far more than they're hitting. I'm not self-editing as well anymore because I'm not getting consistent stage time.

And when I do get a big chunk of stage time, it's like last Tuesday with multiple shows in one night.

I'm hoping that this Spring gives the right balance of work and comedy. With approximately two shows off for every two shows I work, I'm hoping I can get far better at what I'm trying to do without sacrificing a really good job that is keeping me alive during a really hard time for the economy.

Perhaps half of what I need to do is just slow down. I think without as much relaxation time - or much of that relaxation time spent checking my e-mail and asking about shows - I've broken my brain. Rather than helping my comedy skills and my critical thinking skills grow, I'm pushing and pushing and pushing myself to feel more stressed than creative.

Anyway, I've got a lot of work to do.

But I'm taking a nap first.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Alf" #2

Another Saturday, another day in which I have no time to write a quality article. And when I have no time for quality, I think Alf.



This special is a lot less good than the last one. But it still have a puppet going for it. And, you know - that's something. Right?

What you may not know: my favorite part of Alf is the opening credits because they sound like I'm picking a track in Wave Race 64.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Dilbert"

For me, Dilbert goes into the same categories as Jay Leno and Taco Bell - lame things I really enjoyed when I was eight that now get a free pass. I mean, it's kind of funny, right? If you squint really hard and think of how crazy your boss is at the water cooler.

He has so many files! Why doesn't he just file them already? Crazy.



"Holiday" falls in line with a lot of more cynical specials in which one character - in this case Dogbert - try to consolidate all the holidays. It's an idea that's been done before and the show lacks the awareness of that fact, making the special an odd retread of ground covered by Seinfeld, amongst others.

However, there are a few good holiday jokes, such as Dogbert's arbitrary holiday traditions which, under consideration, are no stranger than most real holidays. And Dilbert's speech about holidays is really good, if not exactly funny. He simply makes a good point: people spend more time anticipating a holiday rather than enjoying it.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

Embedded Below In Grey-Area Legal YouTube Clips

Let's first talk about Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. It's a bad movie. The acting's bad. The story's bad. The effects are bad. Even the Christmas spirit in it is bad. It's a horrible, horrible movie.

Which is why it works so well with Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's a campy, crappy film with plenty of space for good Christmas jokes. Because Joel and the robots are making fun of a Christmas movie, they can make jokes about the cliches themselves, removing their humor from the usual pitfalls of Christmas comedy. They're making fun of Christmas while enjoying it.

Not all the jokes hit, though. As with any MST3K episode, there are a few puns or pop-culture references that fall flat. But, overall, this is not only a good Christmas special, but one of their overall strongest episodes.

It also features my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 quote ever:

Reporter: "Is it true you're going to use a rocket sled?"
Santa Claus: "Oh no, siree! We're going out the old fashioned way -"
Joel: "Guns a blazing."

And now, your special:

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Welcome Back Kotter"

A John Travolta Christmas special before he rejected Earthly religions for the gifts and magic of the stars! But is it any good?



On the plus side, the episode actually celebrates Christmas and Hanukah. Most specials either focus on one or the other. But Gabe and his wife are Jewish and Christian, respectively, so they actually celebrate both. As someone who did the same as a kid, this is something that appeals to me. Maybe it doesn't appeal to you. If it doesn't, wow, I'm sorry. I sometimes lay on my bed for hours singing old cartoon songs to stave off the specter of depression.

Unfortunately, Gabe Kaplan's jokes suck. They sucked in the '70s and they suck even more now. The special is filled with awful puns and jokes. And, apparently, everything in the '70s was better racist because Jews are greedy and black people dressing up as Santa do it like a pimp! Comedy show!

However, there are some cute moments. And it is nice to see John Travolta before the Xenu captured his mind in the thrall of infinite thetan curses. He seems human. Even happy.

And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

I Got Invited To Go Backstage At The Twisted Sister Christmas Show

Oh Go! Oh God! Oh God!

The writers and staff of The Onion have been given backstage VIP passes to Twisted Sister's Christmas Show at the Nokia Theater because of my article for The Onion.

Holy shit. If that's not the best thing ever then I guess I'd politely disagree and assure you it was.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Bewitched"

Based on nostalgia as it is, Christmas is a holiday best enjoyed in black & white. That can make it hard to determine whether aged television Christmas specials work on their own merits or simply on the quality of being old.

The Bewitched Christmas special is, thankfully, an example of the former.



A tradition, apparently, in Samantha and Darrin's neighborhood is to take home an orphan for Christmas. And, horrifyingly, dump them afterwards. So the kid gets a taste of life outside of vast, lonely dormitories run by cold-hearted spinsters and then put back so they can see the horrors of their empty existence. I mean, Jesus.

It's no wonder then that the kid that Samantha and Darrin adopt for a day is a complete prick. He's also the same kid who always sends adults to the cornfield in that Twilight Zone episode, so he should be evenly matched against Samantha.

My favorite part is the conversation where the orphan, who's only known hardship, says he doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

"You don't mean that, do you?" says Samantha.

Yes. He does mean that. While Santa seems to exist for everyone in South California with a two-car garage, it doesn't quite work for a boy who's only respite from all the pain of his day-to-day existence is the knowledge of his own mortality.

Despite the obvious cruelty of the storyline, this special does switch things up in the formula quite a bit. A lot of "disbelieving child" specials involve parents who also don't believe or a mean Santa Claus. Rather, everyone in this world knows magic exists - it's Samantha's forte. Santa Claus is really real in this special. It's only the child who's not keen on the reality of Christmas.

The switch works. This isn't a spoiled brat pulling on Santa's beard, it's a kid who's life has sucked hard. You believe he doesn't care about Christmas - it means nothing to him. So the infusion of magic into his life actually feels special.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Married With Children..."

First off, what the hell is going on with Hulu changing the opening theme from "Married With Children..."? I understand rights issues, but the song is the goddamn name of the show. Really? Really? We just replace it with a midi? Great.



"Married With Children" is certainly an artifact of its era. The crazy applause breaks, whistles for attractive women, and bald pop-culture references are cliched today. True, the show initiated many of those cliches, but they're still awkward now.

The entire show is awkward, really.

So is this special worth watching? No. But I've got to do 50 of these and some of them have to suck.

Lowlights:

Children don't like the mall Santa, played by Al.
Peg says something sexual and someone cheers because it's sexual.
The entire episode.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “MythBusters”

I exist in the Venn diagram of science and Christmas. You take my two interests - the use of careful study to discover the truth at the basis of our world and Santa Claus – put them together, and you've got the MythBusters Christmas special.



Sorry – no Hulu on this one. Although it is available for a very worth it $1.99 on iTunes.

The special is actually broken into two parts, actual myth busting and the creation of a Christmas Rube Goldberg machine. Although the Rube Goldberg machine is fun, it's not nearly as cool as the myths. Maybe it's because the show is called MythBusters and therefore promises to be a show about taking myths and proving them not true or true – I don't know, who am I to say?

My guess is actually because there are few testable holiday myths. On one hand, you have myths about magic and wonder – flying reindeer, millions of presents delivered, that sort of thing – and myths about horror and sadness – increased rates of suicide, drunking driving accidents, that sort of thing.

So they end up testing simpler myths such as different ways to preserve Christmas trees and how much damage a falling turkey can do. They may not be life-changing myths that could make or break your holiday season, but the tests are what they're meant to be – fun. Seeing them covering a fake dog skeleton with ballistics gel so they can break its back with a turkey is quite a treat and relatively rare for a holiday special.

One of its eyes pop out.

Good times, good times.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Alf"

I don't have a lot of time - it's a busy day at work.

But here's the Alf Christmas Special.



It's good. Better than it deserves to be.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "South Park" #1

South Park has done a number of Christmas specials. Hell, it even started as a Christmas special:



In a lot of ways, the Christmas season is a perfect fit for South Park. Like the show itself, Christmas is both sentimental and cynical. People are both incredibly selfish and stupid, as well as cautiously caring. It's silly and weird and displays both the good and bad in people.

The first South Park Christmas Special, Mr. Hanky, The Christmas Poo [click to watch] came out during the show's first season. The show was still finding its legs and it hadn't quite found its sweet spot between gross-out absurdity and social commentary. Therefore this special can come off a bit more pointless than later episodes.

However, the song "It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas" is fantastic. It stands as both a parody of sad Christmas special act-break songs as well as a decent contemplation on being left out.

On the other hand, Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo is what became the first in a long line of awful secondary South Park characters. As iconoclastic as the show tries to be, it always seems to create these catch phrase-based characters. He's a funny idea that turns into a lame gimmick.

Yet South Park has survived these past years because it contains a lot of heart. Cynical, mean-spirited heart. But heart nonetheless. And this episode is a good indicator of what the show had in store for the future.

And it's Christmas.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Doogie Howser, M.D."

There was a "boy genius" in my elementary school. He kept being moved from class to class and graduated in about a year. He never had any friends and was really lonely. In high school, I found out he got strung out on coke because he couldn't handle the world his mind had provided.

So let's talk about Doogie Howser and Christmas!



There is nothing not corny about this special. Lessons are learned! Christmas lights are wacky! People sing a 12 Days Of Christmas parody! Jewish people dress as Santa Claus and say they're Italian!

Nothing not cheesy. Even Doogie Howser's blue screen of death computer journal - always the lamest part of every episode as the events of his entire life are summarized in a fortune cookie-sized crumb of wisdom - is worse than usual.

But if you're looking for a very 1980s Christmas, there are few better places to look for a special.

iPhone Games On Sale

Since I have a lot of freetime at work when I'm not at my computer, I've decided to buy a few iPhone games on sale.

Zombie Attack is a tower-defense strategy game in which you fight off zombies. So there's two things I like.

Lux Touch is basically a generic version of Risk. Good times.

rRootage was free and is a space shooter. It was also free, so I don't much care if I like it or not. But it's got a good pedigree, coming from a long line of crazy-ass shooters.

Lemonade Stand is a remake of an old Apple II game I played in Elementary School, and you can play it with the Apple II graphics. Hearing the old Apple II chirps coming from my Apple iPhone is the nerdiest pleasure I've had all night.

Defend! is worth way, way more than the 99 cents it costs. With incredible graphics and really intuitive gameplay that uses the iPhone to its advantage, I'm glad to have it on my phone.

and Dragon Bane II is an old-school RPG in the style of Bard's Tale or Eye Of The Beholder. So it's an old-looking dungeon crawler that moves really slowly, just like Mom used to make.

Good times are ahead while I'm waiting to get things done.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Invader Zim"

I can't embed this episode, but you can watch it here.



Alright. I don't have a lot of time today, so let me lay this out for you: this episode is horrible and depressing. Which, considering Invader Zim's style, is perfect. A weird Lovecraftian mess of an episode - with some hints of Futurama's deadly robot Santa - this Christmas special is unlike any other.

Watching Invader Zim is a lot like watching a high school goth chick do stand-up: a lot of the material is smart, but still incredibly annoying. In order to enjoy this special, you've got to get past the fact that Invader Zim recycled many of the same jokes time and time again (Zim's poor Earth grammar, Zim's lame disguises, the entire show).

But once you toss out all the bad, you have a fun story: someone dressing as Santa Claus to enslave the Earth. The image of a populace entranced by Santa is both effective and interesting - a bit of a play both on religion and our (my) obsession with Christmas.

And some of the jokes do work despite the show's heritage. The candy cane prison is one example. And the bookend sequences in the future also tie together the Christmas-special-on-acid feel to the whole episode.

It's good. Not great. But good.

Laziest 23/6 Piece I've Ever Been A Part Of

Click through to see me helping the cause.

Bloggers Respond To Sarah Palin

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "News Radio"

"You heard me, Bill McNeil, I'm going to murder you with my bare hands you useless lump of garbage."



"You're a dead man."

NewsRadio was always one of the smarter sitcoms of its day. So seeing it do it up in the Christmas spirit is extremely pleasing.

Although there's no solid A-story - rather, a series of Christmas-y sketches that tie together in a NewsRadio fashion - each bit is extremely funny. They also allow the episode to run the gamut of Christmas comedy. From the unwelcome gift to the bad Santa Claus, each bit expertly covers a topic that takes most specials triple the time to handle.

There are even a fair amount of unexpected moments, something rare in this saccharine genre. The ending of Andy Dick's storyline is as funny as it is jolly - a clever reverse on the old "be thankful for your gift" Christmas cliche. And seeing Phil Hartman suffer under the gaze of an angry Santa is worth a dozen Rudolphs.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Dragnet"

Morally unambiguous badass cops save Christmas after thieves steal baby Jesus.

If you need more details, you haven't read the preceding sentence. Fine. Watch it yourself:




Any episode of Dragnet that starts with Joe Friday going, "It was Wednesday, December 24th" is going to be awesome. And the great quotes continue.

"How late is the church open?"
"All night."
"You leave it wide open so any thief can walk in?"
"Particularly thieves."

OH, SNAP, JOE FRIDAY! CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TOLD YOU!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Back For Christmas”

“Back For Christmas” is an odd Christmas special in that it doesn't take place during Christmas at all. Rather, the story pivots on a woman's promise that she and her husband will return home for Christmas.

Here's the full episode:



Herbert and Hermione (I know) are a happy or unhappy married couple, depending on whom you ask. Hermione sees their relationship as one of exact order, in which she always knows where her husband is and what he should be doing. Herbert sees it as a stifling, boring marriage upheld by sheer monotony.

So he decides to kill her.

The episode is very slow and suspenseful. With all Hermione's bugging and cleaning and ordering about, you think Herbert will never get the chance to lure her into the basement for that final death stroke. And when he does (this doesn't spoil much, trust me), the only thing nagging on his mind is her promise that they must be back for Christmas.

I can't write much more without ruining the story. However, this Christmas-themed mystery is an effective play on the old “Gift Of The Magi” trope.

While there's no jingles and no bells, no Santa and no reindeer, the sentiment of Christmas – coming home and surprising loved ones with unexpected gifts – is what drives the entire mystery. And, for that, it fits well into any Christmas special collection.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Doug"

Remember “Doug”? You remember “Doug”. Don't you? Oh, come now, come now. You remember Douglas Funny and his friends in Bluffington. If you don't, I do say your childhood was bare or before mine or after mine or simply different, which, by and large, is quite alright.



The “Doug” Christmas Special involves the old theme of good intentions gone awry. Porkchop's accused of being a wild dog after rescuing a girl from thin ice by biting her ankle.

The town immediately condemns Porkchop, demanding he be put to sleep. Doug is Porkschop's only hope – but can he save him in time?

Yes.

The “Doug” Christmas special is oddly lopsided. Outside of a funny courtroom speech, the episode is actually pretty boring; you're never actually concerned for Porkchop.

However, the visual design of the episode is delightful, and it's neat to see the little details and inside jokes scattered throughout the background paintings. Furthermore, the music – sort of a scat/jazz – is really cool and unfortunately unavailable for purchase.

Also, I'm a grown-up and no longer find Patti Mayonnaise hot. This is the first time that thought crossed my head and has made me feel oddly sad.

The Meanest Onion Story I Could Ever Come Up With

This is perhaps the meanest comedy-related idea I've ever had. And it's for The Onion.

Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy.

The 50 Specials Of Christms - "Claymation Christmas Celebration"

This Christmas special packs so much awesome that you need to shut the fuck up and listen for a goddamn minute. Okay? Always talking. Fuck.

Will Vinton, who's some guy, created a series of claymation holiday specials. He did a Halloween one, he did an Easter one. They're alright if you like being bored.

But Christmas is his one special that shines like a nova over Bethlehem.

First of all, it's hosted by dinosaurs. Gay Dinosaurs.



If you thought I was shitting you, you are now aware I was definitely not.

Gay dinosaurs hosting a Christmas special. That's already better than Charlie brown which neither features gay people nor dinosaurs.

Fine. You're thinking, "This is great. But are the California Raisins in this?"

Yes. They are.



"Uh-oh! There goes the last bus!"
"So call me a cab!"
"Hey, man, you're a cab!"

HAH! That's comedy, jerks. Not this "hey fat chick table" business. Let's listen more to the California Raisins for once.

Or maybe you want to listen to a song about baby Jesus sung by Motown camels? Fine.



There's nothing this special doesn't have. It has everything you want. Everything.

How To Embarass Yourself At A Comedy Club

Here's how you embarrass yourself at a comedy club:

1. Have an okay set. Not great, but not nearly terrible. Just okay enough to be considered a comedian and just bad enough to not be highly regarded.

2. Not know what to do around another comedian's baby. If they change the diaper in front of you backstage, and you say, “I'm not sure if you want me to leave or not because that baby's naked,” to wowed silence, that works too.

3. When the waiter's in the greenroom taking everyone's beer order, say, “No, thanks, but this Peppermint Patty drink sounds delicious!” Pause long. Look around. Explain that you like sweet drinks.

4. Coo and narrate everything the baby's doing. Stop when the comedians start staring at you.

5. Don't know there's no 10:30 show. So keep asking people about it. Just keep asking when we're starting the next show. Are we starting on time? Take it as people mock you for not reading the schedule right.

6. Have no knowledge about the local taxi system. Ask if they recommend anything. Emphasize "anything." Look helpless.

7. Explain you don't have a driver's license.

8. Say you know it's not scary to drive.

9. Admit being scared to drive.

10. When you say good bye to everyone, be sure to say goodbye to the baby and, after a pause, say, “Well, I'll take that as a goodbye from you, too!”

Bonus: On the plus side, I was offered and took a drive to my hotel from Brian Kim and Traci Skene of SheckyMagazine, which was really neat. I kept telling them I was a fan. Brian also said very nice things about my robot comedy piece, which was really nice. They were very neat people and it was nice to meet the people who had helped pushed me along with their blog.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas: "House"

Oh boy! Old, cranky Dr. House and Christmas! What lessons is he going to learn from the spirit of joy and giving?

Not a goddamn thing. Which is why the "House" Christmas special is really neat. There's really nothing "special" about it, which both fits it within the format of the show and keeps the sentiments within it real.



Like most episodes of "House," the patient - this time a young dwawf - is bleeding from everywhere and screaming a lot while every diagnosis is wrong. Meanwhile, House deals with a police investigation into his vicodin addiction.

The Christmas element is actually pretty subtle. The hospital's bright decorations and cheerful demeanor is subverted by House's loneliness. The episode's most emotional moment is simple as it is touching: House leaves a quiet Christmas message on his mother's answering machine. There's no happy ending, there's no sudden realization. Rather, we see the real effect of Christmas on a more realistic Scrooge.

While it's actually pretty depressing - it is "House" - the episode is quite cathartic.

A good antidote to the majority of Christmas specials, perfect for anyone who wants to further investigate the Christmas blues.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Hey Arnold" Christmas Special

I'm in Philadelphia in an airport hotel because it's cheap. The television doesn't really work, nor does the light in the bathroom.

So let's talk Christmas.

The first special I've watched this upcoming, almost-there holiday season is the "Hey Arnold" Christmas episode.



As far as Christmas specials go, "Hey Arnold" hits all the right marks. There are selfish characters who learn lessons, good characters who have their hope rewarded, tear-jerker moments, cliffhanger commercial breaks, and a happy ending.

If anything, the special - which focuses on Arnold trying to reunite one of the residents in his boarding house with his long-lost daughter - is a bit too predictable. As soon as the main conflict is set up, you realize how it's going to be resolve and who will do the resolving.

Yet, as is the case with specials based on children's shows, the sheer good will of the episode makes it very effective. And there are some quiet, contemplative moments that subvert the usual "city rush" theme of many Christmas specials set in larger metropolitan areas. In fact, the "Hey Arnold" Christmas special romanticizes the big-city Christmas through its quiet noise and soft tones in the background paintings.

It's not perfect. But it effectively, if predictably, pulls yuletide heartstrings.

We Won! Everyone Won!

The more cynical people will meet the cries of "we won" with a response that only Barack Obama won. But we have all won tonight. Everyone. America and the world.

Because America used to be cool with the world. And then it began dating George W. Bush. And George W. Bush became that crazy girlfriend who wouldn't let America hang with the world - told America to stop being friends with the world.

And now they've broken up. And in two months, all George's shit will be out and America can hang with the world again. They can chill together. Talk things out. Exchange ideas and products without the albatross of the Neocons around its neck.

America can become part of the world again. And, in that, we win.

We win. We win. Holy shit. We win.

Possibly My Last Election Onion Story

Here's potentially my last election-themed Onion story.

McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected.

Enjoy!