John Steinbeck Calls A Friend To See If He Finished Reading "The Grapes Of Wrath"

Hey, man, how are you? Uh-huh; that's great. Listen, did you finish reading my new book? Yeah, yeah, "The Grapes Of Wrath." Did you finish it?

What did you think of the ending? No, I really do want to hear what you think.

What - what does it mean? It's right there. It's a man sucking on a woman's boobs. I think that's pretty clear. Do you need more? I thought I was a good writer. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me ask what my Pulitzer thinks. It can't talk, but it has my name on it.

I thought you understood, man. John gets lonely. John needs a little excitement. You know what it's like to be with this woman Carol, my wife? It's terrible. I'm trying to tell people, "I need this. That shop closed up long ago. If I want to buy my medicine, it's going to be in the books or not at all." If there's any metaphor here, it's the dustbowl.

So forgive me if I tried to make a good American novel great. Most people would've put the pen down after pleasing the critics. I only put the pen down after pleasing myself.

You're not the first, though. I read some review that said the ending represented my "belief in the power of sacrifice for the greater good of mankind." What? Like, "Okay, yeah. Ya' got me. I just wrote a five-hundred-page book so I could hide the moral in a titty-sucking scene on the last page. Guilty!"

Come on. You can't kid a kidder. Unless there was a misprint, that scene reads as just one thing, and that's man on woman action.

But here's the good news: paid by the word. Viking Press gets their sob story about poor people; readers get the hottest scene of the decade; and I get cash money.

I mean, America! I love this country!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Tales From The Crypt"

Fast fact: And All Through The House was directed by Robert Zemeckis. Rock it!

Unlike Christmas horror films like Black Christmas, And All Through The House features a woman who has been naughty. She murdered her husband so she could be with her lover. An honest Santa Claus would punish that sort of behavior. And he does. Holy shit he does.

The presence of the woman's daughter only makes things creepier. Is the woman deserving death because she robbed and murdered her husband? Or does she deserve to live because she protects her daughter? What will come of her daughter at the end?

It's a complicated story hidden in an awesome slasher film wrapped in a Christmas special.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

Did I already cover this one? I honestly can't remember and I'm too tired to look.

This is actually the earliest example of the “Let's Put On A Christmas Special!” storyline I can find. I'm sure there's some earlier one where, like, Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin tumble down a hill into a movie lot shooting a Christmas movie. And your great-grandparents would laugh and laugh because they hadn't really invented funny things yet, so tumbling was the best thing you had.

Even though it's an early example, the format was already well-established. The special-in-a-special is comically awkward, with the actors and writers of the show blowing their lines and constantly threatening to ruin Christmas for everyone watching at home.

I think I enjoy these specials because they indicate media's self-obsessiveness. Specials like Dick Van Dyke desperately need to wink at the camera so viewers know that Hollywood knows that Christmas specials can be awkward.

Here's the whole thing below:

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “Charlie Brown Christmas"

The Charlie Brown Christmas Special is familiar to you. Why recap it? Even if you haven't watched it beginning to end, you've certainly absorbed enough elements from it to construct a pretty good image of it in your head. Charlie's wimpy tree. Linus' religious speech. Snoopy's Christmas decorating competition. You're familiar.

But you're familiar because it works. It works because it hits on the religious and the secular and the ornamental and the personal and the performative. The briefer-than-you-remember special works because it's real. The children may be too precocious – evidenced by the sound of numerous takes by real children spliced together to create the dialog – but they capture the specific melting pot of ideas and traditions that create the amorphous blob of joyous weird that is Christmas.

Also, catchy jazz.

I'm Sorry!

Last night I got home at 2:00 a.m. after my flight was delayed and the baggage claim broke.

So. I'm sorry my updates have been late.

Things will get better.

Oh God, I know they can get better for us!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Yo Gabba Gabba"

I recommend you buy this special in iTunes. It's two fucking dollars. What are you going to spend two dollars on? Beer? This is better than any beer you've ever had. It's a mind explosion of pure Christmas joy.

This clip isn't from the Christmas episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, but I think it makes a pretty good point.



Imagine that, but Christmas. Good. You've got it!

There's no plot to speak of, just unadulterated joyful chiptune club music playfulness. The "Thank You, You're Welcome Too" song will stay in your head, raise a family, and die in your head. What does that even mean?

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "A&E Biography Of Santa Claus"

Your enjoyment of this special depends on how much Tim Allen you can stomach. If it's "a lot," then you should be happy. If it's "not at all," then you should be happy with the first five minutes.

For a figure whose history is so long, the A&E Biography Of Santa Claus is a bit heavy on the modern age. The coverage of Saint Nicholas could be a lot more thorough than it is, almost breezing over the fact he existed and moving onto Coke Cans and Thomas Nast.

While the modern age is definitely important on how we see Santa, I would've liked a much longer special that analyzed the proto-Santas of the Norse Gods worshipped during the Winter and moved into the thin, tanned Saint Nicholas and then finally into the amalgamation of the two.

Also, what the fuck with all the Tim Allen? Yeah, he played Santa Claus in a movie thrice - that doesn't make him an expert on Santa Claus. And even if it did, there have to be less annoying people. Right? I mean, even the Greek Orthodox guy who hates on Santa Claus during the first half is funnier than Tim Allen.

Street Fighter II Post-Fight Conversations

Ryu Wins

Ryu: You did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

Balrog: You got two perfects on me, so you’re probably right. Any tips?

Ryu: Well, I’d say if there was anything I’d work on for a guy your size and weight, I might try to be faster. Some more stretching and jogging just to loosen the legs up a bit.

Balrog: Oh, that’s good advice. See, I need to hear stuff like this.

***

Dhalsim Wins

Dhalsim: Now you realize the inner mysteries of yoga!

Ken: Yeah, wow. I don’t even know how your arms stretch out like that. Crazy!

Dhalsim: Thanks, yeah, it took a lot of practice.

Ken: I always thought yoga was, like, a low-impact exercise.

Dhalsim: It is, but I mean, there are different types of –

Ken: Obviously, yeah.

Dhalsim: Different yoga, yeah. I mean, it is more for meditation and I’m really a pacifist.

Ken: Yeah, well, you just passed a fist eight feet into my face!

Dhalsim: Hah! Buddy, you’re alright. Let me buy you a drink.

Ken: I thought Muslims couldn’t have alcohol.

Dhalsim: I’m not Muslim.

Ken: (Deep intake of breath) Oh now this is awkward.

***

Vega Wins

Vega: Handsome fighters never lose battles.

Blanka: Man, fuck you.

***
Zangief Wins

Zangief: Next time we meet I'm gonna break your arms!

E. Honda: Yikes! Point taken! No rematch for me!

Zangief: A body like this could only be made in Soviet Russia!

E. Honda: No argument here.

Zangief: Feel this arm! That is the strength of communism!

E. Honda: I don’t – I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Zangief: (Whispering) Please help me escape. I have a daughter. Take us to freedom and she’s yours. She’s very beautiful.

E. Honda: Whoa! I can’t just take your daughter!

Zangief: Of course not! Because she was born to bear strong Soviet boys! (Whispering) Do you want us both to die? Then why do you speak so the officials can hear? My daughter can do things that will drive you crazy.

E. Honda: How do you know something like that?

***

Guile Wins

Guile: Go home and be a family man.

Chun Li: I actually can’t.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "A Colbert Christmas"

A Colbert Christmas sort of falls into the tradition of Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas in its sheer looniness. Although it's making fun of Christmas specials, it actually captures the manic spirit of Christmas through pointless celebrity appearances and wacky songs.

On the downside, the special starts extremely slow. The opening bit about Stephen missing the taping of his Christmas special in New York and song about generic Christmas songs are both kind of lame, even in their ironic context.

But once we get Elvis Costello dressed as a wooden soldier and Toby Keith singing the world's most militant Christmas song, the fun really begins.

While the songs are cute, the accompanying videos are what make them actually funny. Seeing Willie Nelson sing his song against a half-assed CG background is a great play on cynically shoved-out-the-door Christmas covers. And Jon Stewart's Hanukkah duet with Colbert makes fun of desperate attempts to diversify the holiday special.

Is the special going to go down as a classic? Not really.

Like most Christmas novelty specials/songs/masks, it pretty much stands in the moment, and barely at that. Jon Stewart lives "half an hour before" Colbert. Get it? Willie Nelson likes weed. Get it?

But, as a temporary sort of thing, A Colbert Christmas is fun. And that's sort of the point.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Silver Spoons"

Oh Jesus this special is delightfully cheesy. It's even called "The Best Christmas Ever." From the very first moment, "I'm looking forward to spending my first Christmas with father" to the spending Christmas with poor ugly people, "The Best Christmas Ever" is the archetype of the Christmas special. If it were made now, it would be a Christmas special making fun of Christmas specials.



Of course, there's nothing condescending about really, really rich people getting joy from spending Christmas with poor people who are totally gross. I mean, what are poor people there for but for rich people to learn things from?

Nominated For Time Out New York Joke Of The Year

Hey guys! I've been nominated for Time Out New York's Joke Of The Year, and if you'd vote for me, it'd be very, very appreciated.

I'm up against some stiff competition (Todd Barry, Louis C.K., Matt Ruby, Joe Mande, etc.), but with your help, I could potentially win. Which would be massive. More than massive. Extra massive with mayo.

Please help.

Click the link and then follow the instructions to vote.

The Onion: My Contribution To The Year In Review

I, unfortunately, only had a small role to play in The Onion's Year In Review Article.

There might be more soon, but so far it's just the October 3rd bit on their timeline:

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "South Park" 3

This particular South Park Christmas special is a bit odd in that it also retells the creation of Matt Stone and Trey Parker's original short, The Spirit Of Christmas. In fact, it's both a retelling of the special's creation as well as a reaffirmation of the message that there is no "real" meaning of Christmas.

Although people always claim to want a Christmas without the shopping and gift-giving, the reality of it does make Christmas boring and depressing. The gift-less Christmas in the city of South Park not only ruins the economy, but seems to put everyone in a bland, vanilla mood.

The special seems to say that all that complaining about buying gifts comes more from a selfish desire for simplicity than any actual need to "go back to basics." Of course, they don't give the shoppers, buyers, and gifts a free ride, either. But when weighed against each other, the two evils are relatively equal. So why not enjoy the more fun one?

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Office"

"Really, Andy? It's Christmas and you're singing about nudity and France."

The Office is a great show already. But its play on Christmas in the recent episode is wholly unique. First of all, you have Phyllis' "Moroccan Christmas," in which any mention of Christianity is totally "off theme."

And then you have Dwight's attempt at buying out the hottest toy to make a profit - an awesome twist on the usual "I can't find the toy" stories.



This is a deep and mean - but not cynical - Christmas special that is easily worth your time. While some of the jokes require a much better knowledge of the show, the entire arc of the storyline, and the characters' selfishness in their observation of Christmas, creates one of the more subtle and realistic portrayals of how people act during the holidays.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Saturday Night Live"

While Saturday Night Live has never done a Christmas special, per se - excluding compilation episodes and DVD releases - but it does have a lot of good Christmas sketches. Since I'm there right now, and because I can't say anything negative without being terrified for my job, here are some great Christmas SNL sketches.

Let's start with a cold open:



Followed by a fun Christmas monologue:



Something old:



Something sweaty:



And a catchy Christmas song:



Followed by a sketch that really encapsulates the feeling of Christmas morning excitement:



And then a bunch of a-holes trying to buy a Christmas tree:



To Bear City:



To an old movie parody:



Merry Christmas!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "30 Rock"

This aired yesterday! It's also filled with "ho ho hos"! See? Whenever I try to just be straight-forward Mid-Western Mom funny I knock it out of the park. A very child-safe plastic play park where my kids have play dates with my neighbors while I flirt with the stay at home Dad who isn't cute, but the only male presence in my life since my husband is constantly working and won't let me kiss him so I assume he's cheating but it might be my weight gain. FUCK.

I'm going to go see Twilight again and pretend I'm not masturbating throughout it.



30 Rock has always been good at playing through old sitcom tropes and reforming them into something new. Here, of course, we have the old "let's put on a Christmas special" story. This time, it's so Jack can avoid spending Christmas with his hell of a mother.

While that story is pretty good, the B-story about Liz buying gifts for a family in need is the funniest part of the episode. Both Liz's desperation to spend Christmas with someone and her reaction to not being thanked really says something about our need to get something out of giving. It's not good enough just to give - we need to be praised and loved for it - that's why it's better than getting.

You selfish bastard.

My New Onion Article Is New

McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

It's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve, guys. And, in celebration, let's hit up one of the bestest, mostest memorable specials that weren't train-wrecks.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.



Ah, Rankin & Bass. Their powdery snow and spherical bodies define Christmas the same way Coca-Cola and Thomas Nast define Santa Claus. Their stop-motion imagining of the holiday exists well outside of time. Although the quality of the footage reveals the special's age, the songs and themes are really, actually timeless.

You still listen to Burl Ives at Christmastime. You do. You.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer introduced the world's first modern hipster, Yukon Cornelius.



Without pandering to children - there's some depressing material in here, ala The Land Of Misfit Metaphors For Unwanted Children - the special works for all ages. And by existing in a sort of parallel world where the knowledge of Santa's existence is never in question, Rankin & Bass were able to create a story without any of the regular "Christmas is a sham!" conflicts found in 99% of Christmas specials.

Good times.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Futurama"

Copyright laws are a bitch!



If you can ignore the giant watermark eclipsing any sign of comedy, there's a lot to enjoy in that short clip from a 22-minute episode of Futurama. Namely, jokes and whatnot. Especially Bender's "He can't hurt us if we don't believe in him!

While the episode features your usual Santa, But Now He's Also Evil trope, the storyline itself is pretty touching. Although Leela's loneliness is played to death, and probably one of the few annoying aspects to Futurama - "I can't get a date, I'm lonely." "I'll date you." "No." Hahahahahahahahaha! Hooo! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - Fry's storyline actually makes complete sense.

Everyone and everything he knows is dead. Adjusting to a new X-Mas means being able to let go of things he once treasured but now mean nothing. We've all experienced that growing up. When you can buy yourself all the gifts you want, you need to find another way to get excited about the season of getting.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Justice League"

This one goes out to Mike Lawrence and Jon Clarke.



This Justice League episode focuses on all - but two - of the characters' Christmas celebrations. What's missing is almost as touching as what's in there. Wonder Woman still isn't comfortable enough with the outside world to spend the holidays doing anything. And Batman, well, as they say in the episode, he basically begs everyone to leave him alone. They are the two who don't belong and don't want to belong during a time of belonging.

Martian Manhunter, on the other hand, just doesn't understand Christmas. It's a curious and odd to him. But Superman's dedication to showing him the ins and outs of Christmas - and the last-scene payoff - is fantastic. He embraces Christmas in his own way. He doesn't burst through the door in a Santa hat passing out fucking gifts, but he does realize that he can draw an important parallel between human life and his own.

Meanwhile, the Flash finds a duck who farts. I mean, America! I love this country!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Simpsons"

The very first episode of The Simpsons was a Christmas special. And what a special it was. It was perhaps the first special to really focus on poor people trying to scrape together a Christmas. This wasn't yet the Simpsons who would - in both real life and their cartoon world - stumble into fame and riches. Rather, it was a family trying to cope with a lack of money during an expensive time of year.



Unfortunately, the full episode isn't available online. But you can find it in the first-season DVD set and in the various Simpson Christmas DVD releases.

The ending of the episode is sentimental in the Simpsons style, but keeps well with the story of the episode. It's not a happy ending, it's a content one. This special realizes Christmas as it really is for many families - a hard time, but a good time. While other specials portray Christmas as endlessly cheery or magical, and others portray it as a cynical bullshit holiday with no joy in sight, The Simpsons expertly mark it as both.

It's a two-sided coin. While later specials such as Marge Be Not Proud would cover familiar territory in the greed and dishonesty of the holiday, this first special captures the struggling of Christmas more than any other special before or since.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas 2 For 1 - "Robot Chicken" & "Family Guy"

Sorry this is late – I’ve been sick all weekend. Sick with love for Christmas specials! Also with a really bad cold. AND CHRISTMAS SPECIALS!

Robot Chicken and Family Guy are basically the same show, but one has a frame work with established characters, one doesn’t. The rest are fast, often but not always funny sketches.

Both have Christmas episodes.

The Robot Chicken Christmas special hits plenty of topics, from Jesus:



To Dragon Ball Z:



And, as you can see, the quality ranges from really funny to obvious. As with almost any sketch show, you’re not going to get a 100% hit rate. There’s no overarching storyline to link the sketches together, making them feel sort of random and chaotic. Since the episode itself is relatively short – only 15 minutes – this is forgivable. And since most of the sketches are pretty funny, it’s easy to forgive lamer ones like the birth of Jesus sketch.

Family Guy, however, does have an overarching storyline, and it really helps. I wish I could get a video clip or two to show you, but Fox has a stranglehold on showing things to people who don’t own them. I’m sorry. I wish things were different.



The storyline about Peter trying to buy gifts the day before Christmas is itself a bit hackneyed, but it actually allows for a fair amount of interesting turns. Lois literally going crazy because she’s the only one who works on Christmas not only reminded me of my own mother, but actually hit a point about Christmas that other specials don’t – the burden of preparing the holiday.

The Family Guy Christmas episode is one of the better storylines the show has had. While most episodes are just vehicles for random sketches, the story force holiday sketches such as “Kiss Saves Santa” and “A Very Peter Griffin Christmas,” both of which are funny without seeming like Manatee Sketches, to steal a phrase from South Park.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "South Park" #2

South Park's Season 2 Christmas Special, "Merry Christmas Charlie Mansion," compares pretty well with "Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo:" it has its moments ("Stan told me you were dead. I'm glad to hear you're better."), but it also has a lot of lame jokes (Uncle Stinky? C'mon. Really?) But it's the moral - a South Park specialty - that really sets it apart.

Kyle, Kenny, and Stan spend Christmas with Cartman's family in Nebraska. As with any time they're with Cartman, the boys are bored and annoyed. That is, until Cartman's uncle and Charlie Manson break out of prison and hide out with the kids.

As the kids have their Christmas ruined by the old "Santa" - in this case Mr. Hankey - isn't real trope, Charlie Manson re-experiences his years of lost Christmases through Christmas specials. The parallel between the two stories develops an interesting critique on the way we experience Christmas.

Is Charlie Manson's conversion realistic? Of course not. But then why do we expect people like Ebenezer Scrooge to change? Assholes tend to stay assholes. As much as we want Christmas to be a two-way street, it's not as easy as the media makes it seem - through material gifts and movies.

So, yes. It's good.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Fathers Knows Best"

Awesome. This special is just awesome.

The setup is extremely obvious. Dad is upset that Christmas has become too commercial (in 1954), so he decides his family is going to participate in some good old-fashioned Christmas traditions, such as cutting down the tree oneself.

Unfortunately, their car breaks down and they get snowed into a cabin. Of course, in the cabin lives a kindly old bearded man named Nick. And he seems to know more about Christmas than anyone else. While most people would be a little creeped out by the old man, there's something oddly special about him, right?

Spoiler Alert!

Wrong. There's no Christmas twist. He's just a dude. As much as movies in the past fifty-four years have taught us to expect him to actually be Santa Claus, and as much as the family seems to suspect he's actually Santa Claus, he's not. He's a homeless guy who's squatting in the cabin. There's nothing wrong with him, per se, but he's a good man who wants to help a family in need while having nothing himself.

The end.

The special works so well because it stays human. The family does need Christmas magic to have a magical Christmas. Instead, it's a group of people making the best of a crappy situation and realize they just needed to be together for the holidays. If that isn't a sweet, secular way to view what's become a selfish quasi-spiritual holiday, I don't know what is.

The 10 Funniest Video Games That Are Actually Funny

I wrote this list, The 10 Funniest Games That Are Actually Funny, for The Apiary.

I hope you're having a good day.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting"

Sorry. No video today. But I'm trapped inside my building while people mill about the newly lit Christmas tree, hundreds of which watched NBC's live special with David Cook and Jimmy Fallon and Independence Day's Harry Connick, Jr. the Third.



Live specials are always hard to note because they're so locked into the moment. Popular singers, recent movie stars, jokes about television shows mix with timeless holiday carols to make something altogether beautiful and wholly cynical. Of course the musicians playing have new albums and the actors new television shows.

But they're also playing decent versions of fun songs. Plus, without any narrative, they're always good to have in the background. Good ambient atmosphere.

Did you guys know that right now my manboobs have made a crease in my shirt, highlighting them in the process? It's true!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Year Without A Santa Claus"

You know a Christmas special is good when all the YouTube comments are positive. I think the most negative thing someone says on the comments is that "Santa Claus works one day a year and called in sick? Must have joined a union!" Which, really, save it for your New Yorker cartoon.

This special is awesome. It includes a number of songs that have since become holiday stapes (Mr. Heatmiser, anyone?) and features that stop-motion animation which has defined the greatest Christmas specials. Everything about this special is memorable.

Especially Mickey Rooney.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Tiny Toons Adventures"

From the start, you know the Tiny Toons Adventures Christmas special is as harmless as it is cute. They reedited the opening to be Christmas-y! As with a lot of Christmas specials, this parodies It's A Wonderful Life. Maybe "parody" is too generous - it mimics It's A Wonderful Life. There aren't a lot of jokes on the classic movie, it's just a vehicle to move along a story about Buster Bunny considering quitting his Christmas special.

Okay, so it steals from It's A Wonderful Life, and Charlie Brown Christmas.

Some of the not-too-inside jokes are cute. For example, Buster Bunny's guardian angel sounds like Jimmy Stewart and Hollywood executives demand pop-culture cameos. Of course, half of these jokes rely on cultural references from the early '90s. You get them, but like any Paris Hilton or Monica Lewinsky joke now, feel altogether lame and outdated.

On the other hand, the sheer joy with which the jokes are delivered makes most of its flaws forgivable. They're genuinely trying here and, in Christmas specials, you can get an A for effort.

It's A Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special 1-2
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It's A Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special 2-2
Uploaded by blue-peregrine