My Favorite Rejected Onion Headlines
I work as a contributing writer for "The Onion." That means I write about 15-25 headlines every week, with a large portion of them getting rejected. For good reason. The people in the office are great people.
But sometimes there are headlines that I love that don't make it. Either because there's already been a similar topic explored, the time isn't right, or I'm the only one who finds them funny.
Here are those:
New HD-Camcorder To Make Memories Of Good Times Hurt Even More
Recession Forcing CIA To Lay Off 60% Of Al Qaeda
Ending Changed For Christian High School Production Of “The Laramie Project”
Rebel Who Doesn’t Play By Society’s Rules Needs You To Work On Saturday
Area Man Can’t Tell If British Woman Sarcastic Or Aroused
Study: 73% Of Scientists To Make Them All Pay
Grammar Nazi Was Just Following Strunk & White’s Orders
Programmer Couple Speaking Python Around Child
Cult Members Forced To Switch To Verizon To Save Leader’s Minutes
Girl Fight Less Sexy Than Expected
Gender Inequality Solved In Five-Page, Double-Spaced Undergrad Paper
Childhood Memories Worth $10 Trade-In At GameStop
New Telescope To Help Scientists Create Better Desktop Wallpapers
Renowned Australian Wildlife Expert, Robert Muldoon, Killed By Velociraptors
History Textbook Ends On Vietnam War Cliffhanger
Uncaring Slacker Forced To Read "The Catcher In The Rye"
Bar's Hand Stamp Clearly Bought At Teacher Store
Suit And Tie-Wearing Men In Parked Car Just Enjoying Some Radio
Fat Kid Announces Plan To Be Goalie
Artist Only Making Art For Corporation Until Anti-Corporation Art Takes Off
“I Got You Babe” Cell Phone Ring Repeating As Area Man Ignores Call From Wife
Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded
Obama Fails To Enjoy Visit To Colonial Williamsburg
Slaves Not Even Trying Anymore
Area Woman Always Does That Thing Boyfriend Just Thought Of To Break Up With Her
Underground Alcohol Fire Decimates Margaritaville
Method Porn Star Enrolls In College Class With Unaffordable Textbooks
But sometimes there are headlines that I love that don't make it. Either because there's already been a similar topic explored, the time isn't right, or I'm the only one who finds them funny.
Here are those:
New HD-Camcorder To Make Memories Of Good Times Hurt Even More
Recession Forcing CIA To Lay Off 60% Of Al Qaeda
Ending Changed For Christian High School Production Of “The Laramie Project”
Rebel Who Doesn’t Play By Society’s Rules Needs You To Work On Saturday
Area Man Can’t Tell If British Woman Sarcastic Or Aroused
Study: 73% Of Scientists To Make Them All Pay
Grammar Nazi Was Just Following Strunk & White’s Orders
Programmer Couple Speaking Python Around Child
Cult Members Forced To Switch To Verizon To Save Leader’s Minutes
Girl Fight Less Sexy Than Expected
Gender Inequality Solved In Five-Page, Double-Spaced Undergrad Paper
Childhood Memories Worth $10 Trade-In At GameStop
New Telescope To Help Scientists Create Better Desktop Wallpapers
Renowned Australian Wildlife Expert, Robert Muldoon, Killed By Velociraptors
History Textbook Ends On Vietnam War Cliffhanger
Uncaring Slacker Forced To Read "The Catcher In The Rye"
Bar's Hand Stamp Clearly Bought At Teacher Store
Suit And Tie-Wearing Men In Parked Car Just Enjoying Some Radio
Fat Kid Announces Plan To Be Goalie
Artist Only Making Art For Corporation Until Anti-Corporation Art Takes Off
“I Got You Babe” Cell Phone Ring Repeating As Area Man Ignores Call From Wife
Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded
Obama Fails To Enjoy Visit To Colonial Williamsburg
Slaves Not Even Trying Anymore
Area Woman Always Does That Thing Boyfriend Just Thought Of To Break Up With Her
Underground Alcohol Fire Decimates Margaritaville
Method Porn Star Enrolls In College Class With Unaffordable Textbooks
posted by Mike Drucker at
9:36 AM
21 Comments:
Some of those were brilliant for any time... especially that last one. Maybe they didn't get it.
There were a few good ones in here, but I must say, the ones that I read in the Onion (some of which are yours I'm sure) immediately 'click', that didn't happen so much here...
Anonymous - you're definitely right. I think some of them are more "works in my head" than actually funny.
Most of them were right for being rejected. But some are just lovely to me.
Loved the al-qaeda one. Total shame that didn't make it.
New Telescope To Help Scientists Create Better Desktop Wallpapers
Hilarious.
How about "Method Porn Star Ordering Pizza Every Night"
One of my favorite unpublished headlines was deemed too much/too soon after 9/11: "Everything's Fine, Quadragon Officals Report."
Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded
this one "clicked" - definitely made me laugh. A couple others were good, too and better than a lot of the ones the Onion posts
I usually just read The Onion for the headlines. This was like eating the icing off the cake. I now feel like vomiting.
I can't tell you how many societal problems I've solved in 5 pages our less in college. These were quite smashing!
These were great. Unfortunately I cannot imagine why they were rejected, as The Onion — one of my very favorite websites for years — has taken a palpable and unwelcome slide downward the past 3 months or so. WHY ONION WHY.
I didn't get a lot of them. But I'd say around a fourth of them were great, and IDK why were rejected. But others... yeah, definately a no go.
Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded
^score
They probably didn't like them because you decided to Capitalize Every Word In All Of Them And That's Annoying!
See?
You mean capitalize every word, like they do as their style at The Onion? I think that's alright.
That is some funny stuff, if you are a thinking man, I see more of the poop and fart joke mentality at the Onion. Kinda like Dennis Miller VS John Madden.....I liked Dennis.
This is excellent, especially the desktop wallpaper and grounded teenager. Absolutely hillarious.
I think that the one about Gamestop should read:
Childhood memories only worth $1 each at Gamestop.
Stats Canada reveals Canadian statistics are up 13%
Avid video gamer claims to have beaten the internet
Little leaguer retires after successful baseball career
Wal-Mart granted seat at United Nations conference, demands ‘rollback’ of troops
‘Because I said so’ no longer valid reason for children’s household chores
Chevrolet axes plans for new hybrid truck as gas prices plummet to $1.24/L
Wendy’s launches anti-McMarketing campaign
i ,ove almost all of these headlines. i can just imagine the story that wil go with some of them
I'm curious--do you come up with funny headlines, and let the story flow from there, or do you have story concepts first and then write the headlines?
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