The Best Jokes That Weren't
Here are some recent rejected bits:
The Onion:
Uncle Refusing To Give Back Nose
Magic Was In Glove, Not Area Boy All Along
FDA Approves Of Son
Useless Executive Given Pointless Award
Area Woman “So Blessed” To Have Thrown Away Dreams For Baby
I’m Always Getting Asked Where I Get My Inspiration For My Drawings Of Popular Cartoon Characters Having Sex
The Hardest Part Of Leaving You In The Morning Is Finding My Keys
Psychology Death Panel Choosing Who Dies On The Inside
Book Report Written On Strategy Guide
Crying In A Fetal Ball While Showering: Can It Work For You?
Self-Doubt Wins Out Over Self-Hate
Topical:
Bill Clinton this past weekend traveled to Kosovo to attend the unveiling of an 11-foot statue of himself on a street that bears his name. Fun fact about the statue: you can tell exactly what time it is by the shadow cast by its boner.
According to a study female fiddler crabs have sex with their male neighbors in exchange for protection against wandering male intruders. Oh my God! Female fiddler crabs are soooooo Samantha!
Tomorrow is Election Day, so be sure to casually check the news to see who’s running your state now.
Friday at 11am - the Yankees will be part of a ticker-tape victory parade. Oh, man: the music, the big crowds, the excitement – Hideki Matsui is going to be terrified.
Mayor Bloomberg is going to give the Yankees keys to the city. The last time the Yankees got that many keys is when Darryl Strawberry was on the team.
Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he got “man boobs.” On the plus side, that’s the closest he’s ever come to growing a pair.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – from MTV’s “The Hills” – will release a 134-page book later this month called “How to Be Famous.” Here’s how they wrote it: they typed the words, “Be famous,” set it to font size a million aaaaaaand done.
Michael Bloomberg is up for re-election tomorrow. While he remains popular, he is facing some tough competition from what’s-his-face and that other guy.
The Jonas Brothers wrote an open letter to their fans this week to clear the air that they are not breaking up. They’re just seeing other people.
The Onion:
Uncle Refusing To Give Back Nose
Magic Was In Glove, Not Area Boy All Along
FDA Approves Of Son
Useless Executive Given Pointless Award
Area Woman “So Blessed” To Have Thrown Away Dreams For Baby
I’m Always Getting Asked Where I Get My Inspiration For My Drawings Of Popular Cartoon Characters Having Sex
The Hardest Part Of Leaving You In The Morning Is Finding My Keys
Psychology Death Panel Choosing Who Dies On The Inside
Book Report Written On Strategy Guide
Crying In A Fetal Ball While Showering: Can It Work For You?
Self-Doubt Wins Out Over Self-Hate
Topical:
Bill Clinton this past weekend traveled to Kosovo to attend the unveiling of an 11-foot statue of himself on a street that bears his name. Fun fact about the statue: you can tell exactly what time it is by the shadow cast by its boner.
According to a study female fiddler crabs have sex with their male neighbors in exchange for protection against wandering male intruders. Oh my God! Female fiddler crabs are soooooo Samantha!
Tomorrow is Election Day, so be sure to casually check the news to see who’s running your state now.
Friday at 11am - the Yankees will be part of a ticker-tape victory parade. Oh, man: the music, the big crowds, the excitement – Hideki Matsui is going to be terrified.
Mayor Bloomberg is going to give the Yankees keys to the city. The last time the Yankees got that many keys is when Darryl Strawberry was on the team.
Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he got “man boobs.” On the plus side, that’s the closest he’s ever come to growing a pair.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – from MTV’s “The Hills” – will release a 134-page book later this month called “How to Be Famous.” Here’s how they wrote it: they typed the words, “Be famous,” set it to font size a million aaaaaaand done.
Michael Bloomberg is up for re-election tomorrow. While he remains popular, he is facing some tough competition from what’s-his-face and that other guy.
The Jonas Brothers wrote an open letter to their fans this week to clear the air that they are not breaking up. They’re just seeing other people.
posted by Mike Drucker at
12:26 PM
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