New Onion Bits

Recently, The Onion asked me to write an economic bit. It was printed in last week's paper. If you missed it, here it is:

"JCP - JCPenney - 1.04 33.70 (up 3.20%). As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans."

That's the closest I've ever come to attempting to understand the stock market, and it's still Lovecraftian.