Learn Something: DNA

This video takes my breath away in its tiny scope, yet massive grandeur. Science is fucking awesome.



(via io9)

Updates, Trying To Figure Things Out

I've got a ton of things happening at once, so I've been incredibly shitty updating.

Some news:

I wrote the bottom - tiny - headline on this Onion mag cover.

I wrote this article The Five Worst Video Games Based On Books.

And I'll be performing at American University in Washington D.C. in April, which is neat!

My Week Off

I'm back at work, but I performed on a bunch of really fun shows this past week thanks to kings of comedy Doogie Horner, Dan St. Germain, and the Living Room crew.

Here's a summary of the Living Room show, in which my eyes aren't open.

Doogie Horner created the Universal Comedy Flow Chart, which is as true as it is terrifying.

And Dan St. Germain was a good friend, getting me onto a charity theater show in which I did about 25 rambling minutes of hilarity mixed with "awww, that's so sad" stories.

More updates later as I clear out the contents of my digital camera.

5 Things Keeping Me Alive

It's been a good week, guys. On a scale of one to ten, I can't even describe the lengths to which this week has been good for me. Maybe an eight.

This promotional / teaser / nerd-out video for Watchmen indicates they've got the right tone of a superhero period piece. Better Blue Than Red, man.



This is my new wallpaper because it's scary and cute and interesting.



This game is both an incredible concept and neat and fun, even if the narrator's voice could use some work.



I saw this fucking thing right before every cartoon on Saturday morning because, in Florida, people kill manatees with boats.



You are that fifth thing.

Outside Work: Top Ten Douchebag Game Characters

I wrote this list about Douchebag Video Game Characters for The Minus World.

If you enjoyed it, I'd like that.

40 Years Since First Picture Of Earth From Not Earth

Has it really been forty years since we first started creating awesome posters for me to put on my walls?

Science is probably fourth on my list of favorite things. Comedy's somewhere above it, as are video games. And I want to say Susan Sarandon? Maybe.

Earth is so small on there, and it's fun to think that, after all the wars and armed conflicts, the planet looks no different. Even with global warming, the Earth is going to shrug off humanity long before we shrug off the Earth.

Naturally, I don't mean to discount the terrible shit we've done. That won't help. But I feel this apocalyptic sense of self-esteem-boosting fear of ourselves is largely nonsense. Even if we nuke the planet, bacteria will survive and, with enough time, something else will come along.

For some reason, this train of thought reminds me of There Will Come Soft Rains.

Comedy Incorporated #5: Everybody's Working For The Weekend

Comedy Incorporated #4: More Downs Than Ups

New Onion Joke

I won't call this a "story" because it's just a joke with a picture.

But it's 100% mine.

Here.

I totally missed this week's submissions deadline, so I'm feeling a lot better about myself right now.

Comedy Incorporated #3: Nothing Changed

Comedy Incorporated #2 Television Humor

Comedy Incorporated! #1

Buttons I Shouldn't Have Pressed

My Uncle’s Drinking Problem

Resurrect Hitler Button

I'm Naming My Children After Names In My Spam Folder

Bowling O'Hallahan

Celeste Salty

Original Sack

Tag St. Wallclimber

Tammi Hurtgood

Michael Drucker

When It Comes To Disney Films, I'm A Joke Writing Genius

A conversation that actually occurred while watching Beauty and The Beast with my lady companion.

Vicky: If Mrs. Potts is Chip's mother, what do you suppose happened to Chip's father?
Me: Oh, man. Didn't you hear? The dish ran away with the spoon. BOOM! Where's my joke book?
Vicky: I don't know.

Fifty First Jokes: Something That Went Extremely Well

Jiwon Lee and Claudia Cogan's "Fifty First Jokes" at Webster Hall was unbelievably fun. They ran a tight ship with tight, attractive comedians on board manning the mast and stern and starboard and other stuff I read about in Billy Budd.

The line-up was intimidating, as you can see if you squint really hard:



While I'm sure everyone's going to try to figure out who dominated and who didn't, the truth of the matter is that most people simply had great sets. Big hitters like Kumail and Pete Holmes did great, but so did folks like Mike Lawrence and Danny Solomon.

My joke was one of the shortest of the night - something I'm relatively proud of. I'd actually planned to do a longer new joke, but saw something funny on the subway (I know, I know; I also saw this wacky bumper sticker and women are pretty different from black people...) which involved a lady confusing Nickelback with Nirvana. With a New York City hipster crowd, it felt silly not to talk about something I knew would work. And it did.

Anyway.

The best part of the show was the crowd. This wasn't an "Oh, they're nice" crowd. This was a group of motherfuckers who were ready to have a blast. They were listening, really hanging on your every word. If a joke didn't get a laugh, it was 100% on the comic.

In fact, there were too many people who wanted to see the show. Webster Hall was turning folks away at the door because they were at legal capacity.

While I was on sitting on stage, I took a photo of the massive, very awesome crowd:



I think forgetting to turn on Red Eye Control actually made this photo far more entertaining.

Thanks really go to Jiwon and Claudia and John F. O'Donnell (absent, but remembered) for putting on a show that made you remember why you do comedy: because it's fun.

Childhood Myths Revisited #239

Father: Oh No!
Mother: What is it? Oh My God! Blood's everywhere!
Father: Our son must've said "Bloody Mary" three times.
Mother: We don't know that for sure...
Father: I warned you about owning that fucking bathroom mirror. I said we didn't need it. But no - you wanted to look at yourself and put on lipstick.
Mother: I wanted to be beautiful for you...
Father: Don't you put this on me! Your vanity invited that witch into our home!