How To Date Women

Something you should do on a date is eat all the breadsticks. Then when the soup comes, you have her at a disadvantage.

Back On Track

I'm back on track with writing and getting things together.

The problem with packets and pieces and bits and whatnot is that you can't post them on a blog until HOLLYWOOD says no. I made that big because it seemed a thing to do.

Did a show last night with old Timmy Williams, who's a swell guy.

Here's one of his big, special TV sketches (thanks Jon).

Moved In, But Sick

I'm moved in. Right now I'm stealing Wifi from the bar next to my apartment. Also, I have a bar next to my apartment. I had big plans to put up some pictures of the new place and make jokes like "Kitchen? More like Bitchen!" because I like it so much. But I've fallen ill to the cold sickness which goes around I'm told.

Here's something even better:

A PLAGUE, GUYS!

From Reddit:



Possible things in my house that fulfill the above criteria stated in the video:

My parents.
An actual bomb.

Movind Day Part 1

The process has begun. I'm moving from one point in Queens to another, more spacious point in Queens. The hope is that with more space I'll be happier.

That is a dark, devilish lie.

Let's see how this adventure turns out!

Deanna Troi Is Useless

I've been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation while I'm packing my apartment.

And I realized, for the first time, I hate Deanna Troi.

Not only is she useless - "I sense the crew is scared" - she's an asshole.

My First Joke On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

Last week I started freelancing jokes for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

Yesterday I got my first joke to air.

It's the one about Iranian officials coming to an American BBQ.



It was also picked up by The New York Times.

More Recent Onion Stuff

I realize I haven't updated much recently.

Recently I've had a quite a few Onion bits that I've liked.

Here's my two favorite:

There's Nothing To Fear Itself And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt

and

Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B

Good Reviews For Web Series I'm In

CNN reviewed a webseries I was in.

They said my episode was the best. I'm guessing because I wrote most of the jokes about "Magic: The Gathering" since no one else actually knew how to play the game.

Sean and Jilly Move In - 5 from Sean and Jilly on Vimeo.

My Favorite Rejected Onion Headlines

I work as a contributing writer for "The Onion." That means I write about 15-25 headlines every week, with a large portion of them getting rejected. For good reason. The people in the office are great people.

But sometimes there are headlines that I love that don't make it. Either because there's already been a similar topic explored, the time isn't right, or I'm the only one who finds them funny.

Here are those:

New HD-Camcorder To Make Memories Of Good Times Hurt Even More

Recession Forcing CIA To Lay Off 60% Of Al Qaeda

Ending Changed For Christian High School Production Of “The Laramie Project”

Rebel Who Doesn’t Play By Society’s Rules Needs You To Work On Saturday

Area Man Can’t Tell If British Woman Sarcastic Or Aroused

Study: 73% Of Scientists To Make Them All Pay

Grammar Nazi Was Just Following Strunk & White’s Orders

Programmer Couple Speaking Python Around Child

Cult Members Forced To Switch To Verizon To Save Leader’s Minutes

Girl Fight Less Sexy Than Expected

Gender Inequality Solved In Five-Page, Double-Spaced Undergrad Paper

Childhood Memories Worth $10 Trade-In At GameStop

New Telescope To Help Scientists Create Better Desktop Wallpapers

Renowned Australian Wildlife Expert, Robert Muldoon, Killed By Velociraptors

History Textbook Ends On Vietnam War Cliffhanger

Uncaring Slacker Forced To Read "The Catcher In The Rye"

Bar's Hand Stamp Clearly Bought At Teacher Store

Suit And Tie-Wearing Men In Parked Car Just Enjoying Some Radio

Fat Kid Announces Plan To Be Goalie

Artist Only Making Art For Corporation Until Anti-Corporation Art Takes Off

“I Got You Babe” Cell Phone Ring Repeating As Area Man Ignores Call From Wife

Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded

Obama Fails To Enjoy Visit To Colonial Williamsburg

Slaves Not Even Trying Anymore

Area Woman Always Does That Thing Boyfriend Just Thought Of To Break Up With Her

Underground Alcohol Fire Decimates Margaritaville

Method Porn Star Enrolls In College Class With Unaffordable Textbooks