New Rejected Onion Headlines

Here are some more of my favorite rejected Onion headlines over the last few months:

No Way Area Kobold Has +6 To Hit

Radical Cleric Found Skateboarding

Forum Only Knows How To Get A Wine Bottle Into A Vagina

Privileged White Woman Deserves To Treat Herself Once In A While

Child Actor Willing To Do Nude

Area Boy Can't Wait To Learn What D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells

That Reminds Friend Of Totally Unrelated Thing She Was Waiting To Bring Up

Bully Making Some Legitimate Points

Pallbearer Just Got His Exercise For The Week

Fan-Fiction As Terrible As Source Material

Of Course Boyfriend Doesn’t Mind Spending Rest Of Day Smelling Like Strawberries

Woman In Mall On A Wednesday Afternoon Has Better Things To Do Than To Wait To Be Helped By Lane Bryant Cashier

Opinion: I Don’t Agree With What You Say, But I’ll Put Up A Half-Hearted Defense Of Your Right To Say It

Opinion: Son, All I Want To Know Is That You Tried Your Hardest To Live Up To My Impossible Expectations

Police At Tuskegee University Graduation Nervous As Students Hold Up Diplomas

Dramatist Father Giving Children, Audience Something To Cry About

Personalized Mix CD Essentially Just “Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 32” In Different Order

E-Readers Changing The Way We Avoid Reading

Google Ads Knows About Break-Up Before Boyfriend

Swear Jar Exchanged For More Whiskey

Man With No Money Or Business Plan Needs Bloggers

Erotic Story Class Told To Write What They Wish They Knew

Fifth Commandment Broken To Keep Ninth Commandment