Little is known about Dan Drucker, although theories abound. Some conjecture that his mother was impregnated by hockey legend Vladislav Tretiak during the first fiscal quarter of 1987. Others theorize that years of physical violence from his older brother and shame compounded by an inability to artistically express himself has left him a bitter husk of a man, waiting to strike out against Dadaists everywhere. He enjoys the company of comely women and cars that cannot drive fifty-five.

Stand-up comedian Mike Drucker, who is also very fond of the Jude Law vehicle Enemy at the Gates, is a student of English and American Literature at New York University. When comparing the brothers, women often cite Mike as the “one with the good personality,” and tell him that they “value his friendship so much they wouldn’t change it for the world,” which is kind of a bullshit way of just rejecting him, isn’t it Darlene? He’s not bitter or anything, because that’s not the way he is, but way to really lead a guy around for two months, just letting him really believe there was something there because you needed a shoulder to cry on because what, Banana Republic didn’t have your size jeans in today, yeah your life is real hard. It’s completely cool because he should’ve seen this coming so it’s really his fault, he knows that. But you just don’t do that. Mike also enjoys painting Tusken Raiders.